Help from past B-moms?
I find myself broke and unexpectedly pregnant. I don't want to be a welfare mom and i don't feel i'm okay with abortion either. Adoption seems like a good idea, but how do i take care of myself for the next 6 months or so? Any previous B-moms in similar situations (broke, unemployed, still in university) have any suggestions?
To Superirish
superirish said...
I find myself broke and unexpectedly pregnant. I don't want to be a welfare mom and i don't feel i'm okay with abortion either. Adoption seems like a good idea, but how do i take care of myself for the next 6 months or so? Any previous B-moms in similar situations (broke, unemployed, still in university) have any suggestions?


It is almost 42 years since I gave up my son for adoption. Times have changed since 1970. I was 25 years old at the time, had some money saved, and left home and went to city 1000 miles away. I stayed at a place run by Salvation Army and after giving my child up for adoption, returned to my hometown and carried the secret for many years.
In 1991 my daughter (age 16) got pregnant and instead of sending her away, as I had done, she continued high school classes, lived at home and we took care of all of her needs. She ultimately chose to keep her child.
There are many agencies that will help you with deciding what you should be doing right now. Search this forum and post on as many topics as you can and you may get good advise. Check online for Lutheran Services in your area, or other agencies that have services for women who find themselves in this situation. If you are at a university, maybe you can check with the administration and see if they can help in some way. From your post, I assume that your family is not in the picture. If possible, include them in your plans. I have always regretted not telling my parents. Things may have been a lot easier for me, and I may have even got their advise and support to keep my child. Good Luck. I hope all goes well for you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I should talk to my parents, but my older sister is already five months pregnant and in the same boat as me (sort of, she's slightly less broke) and I really can't dump this on them now. I, mean, this is like the worst possible timing ever. Can you believe I hope the world actually ends soon so I don't have to figure this out?
Since it seems you are still in school for the summer, aren't your living expenses already paid? I'm sure you can find some programs there to help you?
Do as much research as you can before you make a decision. I will tell you from experience that it is the most difficult, excruciating decision you will ever make in your life. Please make sure that you're informed of how the decision may affect you and your child in the future before you decide. Adoption may be the best decision for you, you're the only one who knows that. But, there are other options out there as well. Accepting a little bit of "welfare" type help so you can finish school and get on your feet is nothing to be ashamed of, if you want to keep your baby. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing. I know plenty of women who found a way to complete their education while being young parents. It wasn't easy, but they found a way to build themselves a support system. Just remember, adoption is permanent. Welfare/aid is not. Finances should not be the only factor in the decision, truly evaluate whether or not you are ready to be a parent outside of that.
I am sorry you find yourself in this bind right now. You are strong and you will get through this tough time.
I agree with arjo1244, there are many agencies that can help you figure out what is best for you and the baby. They provide counseling and I think that will be very helpful.
Whether you decide to have your baby adopted or not, the counseling will help you for sure. In the mean time, look after yourself!
Take care.
Faith and Hope
superirish said...
Thank you for sharing your story.
I should talk to my parents, but my older sister is already five months pregnant and in the same boat as me (sort of, she's slightly less broke) and I really can't dump this on them now. I, mean, this is like the worst possible timing ever. Can you believe I hope the world actually ends soon so I don't have to figure this out?


I know at this point in time you feel that your situation is hopeless. Just remember that you are not alone. Do you have an aunt, or other relative that you can confide in? How about a minister or priest that could help you tell your parents.
You sound like you really need a support group or counseling to get you thinking on a more positive track.
Please make the effort to reach out to someone or an agency that will help you.
Even though I had a job and was financially able to take care of myself, I felt alone in my situation.
It wasn't the end of the world, I got thru it, and went on to meet and marry a wonderful guy and raise a family.
You are the only one who can make this decision, but I think that you should reach out for some help.
I will pray that you make the right decision.
Remember, there are many couples out there looking to adopt a child and you will eventually feel that your selfless act will be appreciated.
Just a note: check out Mark Schultz on Youtube. His song "Everything to Me" written to his birthmother is inspiring. The additional video of him explaining why he wrote the song has been a comfort to me.
Actually, I just (as in, the last few weeks) finished my master's degree and I'll be out of student housing by July.
No one is ever a past birth/first mom... it is a lifelong thing. Please thing about that. You have some earning potential if you have a Masters. Adpoption is a very permanent solution for a temporary situation.

I placed my son 8 years ago and you know, I regret it because now I am in infertile. No more kids for me. Just something to think about.
I was once in a very bad place after the birth of my daughter. Sick, poor and feeling hopeless.

Fast forward and now I have a career, money and respect. But I have my relinquished daughter being very sad, upset and heartbroken that she is not being raised by her natural family. The adoptive parents closed the open adoption and are not very nice to my daughter at all.

IMHO do not lose your child to adoption. I swear to you it will be better being a welfare mother temporarily then hearing your child's pain on being adopted, especially if the adoptive parents are not good people.

I would give my career, my house, everything up to change the way things have gone. My daughter gets punished frequently for contact with us her natural family and is not accepted for being "different" from her adoptive parents. I should have put her in foster care until I got well instead of adoption. I am not saying all adoptive parents are bad, but really you don't know them at all and if they are bad you find out too late.
In what way are the parents mean to her? How do you know they do not treat her well? It must be horrible for you to think of your child being in an environment where you feel she isn't being treated the way she deserves. I am currently a college student and placing my child for adoption with an amazing family. It's true; you can't really get to know them just in the time you meet during the pregnancy and while you can do the best you can do, there are times when the adoptive parents don't truly represent who they are to the birth mother. However, most adoptive parents will not treat their children badly. Also keep this in mind: chances are you might not have had the opportunity to aquire your current success had you not placed your child up for adoption. A career and house are the basic foundation to being able to provide a good life for a child. Saying the child will experiene pain over the adoption is not accurate. While some children might, not all do. Children who are raised with knowledge of their situation and understand the situation are probably going to be very happy and well adjusted people. Discouraging adoption because of your personal bad situation is not responsible but I am sorry for what you're going through. I imagine you must feel a lot of different emotions. Maybe speaking with a counselor can help you deal with this and help you find peace.
please never ever be ashamed of accepting help to raise your child. It is is our children that continue to build our world. and please dont make your decision around others. make it for you and your child.
jess1986 said...
A career and house are the basic foundation to being able to provide a good life for a child.


Actually, this is very subjective. I know lots of adoptees that had all the material things but would have traded it all to live with their birth family.

jess1986 said...
Saying the child will experiene pain over the adoption is not accurate. While some children might, not all do. Children who are raised with knowledge of their situation and understand the situation are probably going to be very happy and well adjusted people.


Actually, even in most of the best open adoptions children experience loss. I know it is tempting to minimize a birth parent's role in the life of the child, but the bottom line is that you are irreplaceable. Separation of parent and child should only be done under the most dire of circumstances.

I suggest you read the adoptee forums. Their pain is real, and their is no guarantee that your child will have that happy ending. Is the situation you find yourself in irreversible or will you go on to better things? While it might be difficult, it is not impossible to build the life you believe that your child should have.
bromanchik said...
I suggest you read the adoptee forums. Their pain is real, and their is no guarantee that your child will have that happy ending. Is the situation you find yourself in irreversible or will you go on to better things? While it might be difficult, it is not impossible to build the life you believe that your child should have.


Of course the people posting on the adoptee forums have pain that is very real, and I'm not suggesting there is not some level of loss for all adoptees, but we should also keep in mind that it's likely that only people who are experiencing loss and pain and having a hard time dealing with it are the people who will seek out the support of an online support group of people in similar situations.

I am an adult adoptee, and I've had a very happy, normal life and have never felt anything less than greatly loved by all members of my adoptive family.
Coercion can work both ways, for and against. Please remember that no one should talk you into one decision or another using scare tactics. It's just as bad no matter which side does it.

No agency or individual should try to persuade you that adoption is your best or "loving" option etc.

On the other hand, no one should try to persuade you that you're doing something wrong by choosing adoption if you really feel it's the best option for yourself and your child.

Only you can know what the best decision is. Others can tell of their experience but it's just that, their experience. They may talk of how beautifully their adoption story worked out. They may talk of how it was all horrific. No two experiences are the same. Only you can know what the right decision is for you.

(((hugs)))) and good thoughts!
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