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Hi I am new to these forums. My husband and I have an infant son who is currently almost 6 months old. We bought him home from the hospital at 3 days old. I have not had any issues bonding with this amazing little man or with his birth parents. But I am struggling big time and am starting to think Im mad. Our son is such a good baby and there is no problems at all with him. I love this child more than anything and would die for him in a heartbeat. The problem is that I can't seem to accept that we finally got our happy ending. DH and I struggled for 14 years to have a child in this time we had 3 stillbirths, 3 miscarriages, 3 IVF cycles 1 failed surrogacy and 1 failed adoption. We have basically spent every penny we have (and would do it again in a second) anyway now I feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I have a bruise or a bump I think I have cancer. Every time my husband leaves the house I think he will die in a wreck. I sit and watch our son sleep most of the night in case he stops breathing. I dont know what to do. Its like things are too good and I just know something will go wrong some time soon. I probably sound like a sad sack but usually I am a glass half full type of person. Im at a loss as to what to do. Has anyone else experienced this?
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Absolutely! It does get better. C just turned 1, and I don't wake him up in the night anymore to make sure he's okay (I do go stand in the doorway to make sure he's breathing, but I also sleep). I think part of it, for me, was that he was very much like your son sounds. He's always happy, has always slept well, friendly, eats well, doesn't get sick, we bonded well and easily, - basically the perfect baby. It made it that much easier to feel like it wasn't real. I thought I was having a heart attack (very much not - I was tense and an old shoulder injury was acting up) and I spent a lot of time worrying about a lot of things that weren't happening. One thing that actually helped was doing things without him. I don't do it much, but in January I realized that I hadn't done a single "grown-up" no-kid activity since I got him. I got a babysitter and went to a big fundraising shindig (dancing, adult conversation, stuff I'd not realized I missed). It helped a lot. Of course, I haven't done it since. I just signed up for an exercise class at the Y one night a week, starting next week. Having all my social life centered around or at least including C made things that much less real; getting a break (not going to work, but doing something that is about me as a person, not a mom, and employee, or a student) gives me a lot of perspective. Also, like I said, time. He'll start walking, fall down a few times, learn to be naughty, and it won't seem so perfect anymore. :)
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Please do not feel alone...post-adoption issues are very very common, but most of us feel too guilty or bad to express them. I did not have the same issue you are having, but I was overwhelmed with guilt and felt like my son really belonged with his birthmom because I knew she loved him and was struggling with grief. I went through IVF and miscarriage and mnay years of trying to become a mom and then I was SHOCKED that I felt so confused after I finally brought our baby home. I loved him but it didn't feel real at first and I was worried that my love wasn't the deep and lasting kind that a bio mom feels. The thing that changed me was time...time to get to know my child, time to build a history as a mother and as a family. Day by day, month by month I began to feel more and more comfortable, attached and like this was my real life, not just pretend. This is normal and part of the process of becoming a mother in your heart not just on paper.
Dear portlowski I have to admit that I too have feelings of guilt about taking A away from his birth parents. The day that we took him from the hospital was horrific. Ive never seen such grief on a persons face as I saw on his BM's face. I felt like the worst person in the world. I fell in love with A straight away but like you I also felt like I was babysitting probably for the first 4 months. Its only been the last couple of months that Ive actually felt like he was mine. Im so glad that Im not going insane I was starting to wonder :grouphug:
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I never had to feel like our adoptions were at risk. With open adoption completely forbidden here, it was really a sure thing by the time we brought our children home, but I still have those feelings that something will end it. I think about cancer and car wrecks far too often to. My first child came home at 3 months and is almost four. When I read this post, I realized that I only stopped going into their room to check on them in the middle of the night every night a month or so ago. But I still often do feel like something terrible might happen. They are both a bit difficult. The older one has a very high-strung, hyperactive, intense, ultra stubborn, destructive temperament. The younger one has some serious anxious attachment disorder of his home because he came home at 10 months from a bad orphanage, though he is otherwise a very laid back temperament. So, I can get as angry and frustrated with them as any parent, but that doesn't stop me worrying, and I have never been a super worrier before. So, yes, I know what you mean.