Telling my teenager.....

Oh boy ... I have a 17 year old son and wow, you have my prayers because it is going to be brutal. You have waited far, far too long and no matter how you word it now, he is going to feel betrayed and lied to AND probably be pretty darn angry. I was 16 when I found out I had a sister my mother had placed for adoption 11 years before I was born, and even that revelation was difficult. My suggestions are #1) Get all the information you can together (ask his bio grandmother for pictures of birth father etc) . #2) have his dad (adoptive) write him a letter expressing his love for him, how he feels about him and how he feels becoming his dad (inevitably he will question all of that) #3) take him out alone and tell him the story of the young you ... what you felt, the reasons you made the decisions you did, why you felt it was best, what you did and when you did it. #4) be prepared for some severe reactions. Have a counsellor lined up if he will use it. #5) be prepared that he might become obsessed with his new dad and or new siblings etc. That honeymoon stage is pretty predictable.MOSTLY you are going to have to beg his forgiveness for lying to him all these years. Even lies of omission are lies. Big ones like this can rock his world for the rest of his life.

Yes - he should have always known and not remember being told...but you can't change reality. At 17 it is going to be tough - it might be tough on him, or really tough on him, based a lot on his personality I would think. I would research and find a therapist of some sort that is also an adoption specialist. Ruth on this forum might be able to help you define just who you are trying to find in this regard... I will say this from the adoptee perspective that you need to be prepared for (any/all/none/more)... *Anger that everyone knew except him about something that is HIS information. *Feel like he has been lied to - he has and you need to own that. *Trusting you to tell the whole truth - you might need to earn that all over again. *Wanting to know who his father is - what happened - why you never told him...and that should be something you are willing to share. Having said all of that you need to tell him - whether you choose to do it with your husband and son or involve a therapist and provide time alone with the therapist for your son - only you can decide that. I would practice your telling in front of the mirror or to your spouse - several times. Your son will see by your unspoken cues how he should react and how YOU feel about it and shut you out of what he is thinking. I really can't stress that enough - your non-verbal cues tell more than your words. Besides the fact that lying is wrong you are also denying him the right to be properly cared for by his doctors. (Hypothetical scenario) Imagine when he is 45 and has a few minor symptoms that could suggest he has heart problems or could just be typical getting older signs - and the doctor asks him if heart disease runs on either side of his family and he says NO...but come to find out it is really prevalent in his genetic fathers family and at an early age. Could you forgive yourself if he had a heart attack because he thought his dad's health history was his genetic health history? How to tell - truthfully - if you always intended to tell but there was never a good time - start with that - if you never intended to tell because you didn't take the time to think it through or educate yourself - tell him that - you need to start being honest. Explain that although dad is dad there are some things he needs to know about how he became your dad. That you were pregnant when you met - that he was there throughout your pregnancy and birth, did all the things a dad would do, loved your son and wanted to be his dad in every way, and even went to court and swore to always be the best dad he possibly could be to you, and was granted the priviledge of becoming your dad...and I would also apologise for not telling him sooner. Then accept how he feels about it without telling him how he should feel... Summer is probably a good time as it will give him time to process before he returns to school - sooner rather than later. Kind regards,Dickons

So, just an update (if anyone cares). We told our son...and you know what, he really doesn't care. Some people may not believe that, but he was very blase about the whole thing. Apparently we've raised a very smart boy, who's very secure with himself and his family. :love:

I am volunteering with teenagers. I am very, very close to a few of them (I am their big brother in more ways than one). A couple of them I am reading like a book where most of the information is hidden between the lines - they cannot fool me.While I know each person is different, I have come to realize that teenagers (especially boys) tend to put up the false faade of "all is well". The bigger the hurt, the more they resort to it. It is a coping mechanism - not a desirable one, but it is what it is.Just some food for thought.