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I am in the middle of a contested adoption and it is really starting to wear on me. Our baby girl is almost four months old. The emom is the daughter of a family friend. We have a great, open adoption with her. We were told that the BF was all over the place from claiming he was infertile to wanting the baby to agreeing to adoption. We were hesitant at first but after the agency case worker spoke with him, he agreed to sign the papers. Our attorney and case worker felt it was a very good situation. We flew out to her state and were there for the L&D. It was her mother and myself in the room coaching her through labor and I got to watch her deliver our little angel. She let me cut the umbilical cord and hold her and feed her first. It was an amazing experience that I am forever grateful to have had. She signed the papers 72 hrs later and we picked up our new baby from cradle care. Once ICPC went through, we flew home when she was just 9 days old! When we left the BF was scheduled to sign the papers. It didn't happen. He stopped returning phone calls from the case worker and no one heard anything for weeks. Our attorney and case worker said that this happens all the time and he will probably never contact anyone again. The TPR hearing was set for Early June so we were just waiting. Our entire family was beyond thrilled and enjoyed having a new baby in the family. Shortly after her two month birthday, we were notified that the BF had filed papers contesting the adoption. I was devastated! My husband and I have been married for over 10 years and this was only the second time I have seen him cry. (the first time was with our first miscarriage) He is NOT the crying type so it was even harder to see him so emotional. We had to get a paternity test before anything could happen so we are waiting on the results. It took almost two months to get it scheduled because the BF couldn't afford it. We ended up paying for it because we felt it was worth it to get this process moving forward. The BF isn't a bad person. He is just young and poor. These aren't reasons he can't be a good parent. We respect his right to parent and hope that if he chooses to do so it will be out of complete love for his daughter and he does everything in his power to provide for her. He has not wanted to make a decision until the DNA tests results are in and then he has agreed to go to mediation. We will not fight him. We believe that God has a reason for everything and that we are all His children. One thing that has made this even more challenging is that our baby girl has had several issues. She has seen a pediatric hematologist, ophthmalogist, GI, and chiropractor! It took almost two months to discover she has a severe sensitivity to milk and now they think she may be sensitive to soy! We have poured our hearts into her, trying to fix what we can and comfort her as best we can. We have told the BF's attorney all this and hope he understands she is not an "easy" baby (if that actually exists)! So, right now, we are still in limbo. Waiting for a decision that will forever change our lives once again. I am just tired of waiting. Tired of feeling like my life is on hold. I am sure many of you understand that feeling. We have been trying to have a family for 9 1/2 years. We have had 4 miscarriages (one landed me in the hospital), a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, a bad round of clomid, a failed match, and now a contested adoption. When do you say enough is enough? Do we move on to something else? Do we try again? I need to pray! Again and again and again! Thanks for listening!
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Zen, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to have to send your child blindly out into the world but the strength & grace with which you have done so has been one of the most awe inspiring things I have ever seen. You are a wonderful mother & having to do this does not make you any less of a mother. Hugs to you & your hubby.
Thank you all so much for your support and kindness. I posted a bit of information on the general adoption page under I need Info Please! posting. DH and I have been home for a couple of days now. Seeing DD's empty nursery was very sad but we are doing better with each new day. I think we will not be pursuing adoption any longer. With the loss of DD and our previous failed match, we just don't have the heart (or money) to go down that road again. I won't say never but.... DH and I are so thankful for our wonderful relationship and our time as parents. Perhaps our love for one another is our blessing in this life. I truly thank each of you for your well wishes and kindness throughout this process.
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allwhohope
Been thinking of you Zenbaby. Hope all is well
Thanks for checking on me. The holidays were rough. We just stayed to ourselves. It didn't feel like much of a holiday season for us and we didn't want to take away from anyone else's joyful time. We are doing better now. February is a little difficult because we would be gearing up to celebrate DD's first birthday. Instead, we are starting to think about how we can make our dreams of having a family a reality again. Last we heard, DD's birth parents are in a court battle over custody and child support. She is doing well, or least that is what we are told. Time has healed us quite a bit. I think there will always be a small hole in my heart but I try to remember that, although she will never know us as mom and dad, we will always have the priviledge of being her mom and dad for a short time. My doctor thinks we should give IVF a try. We always wanted to adopt so we did not really explore fertility treatments that much. We mainly just wanted to make sure there was nothing medically wrong with us that would require treatment. So, we are starting to think about IVF or adoption again. After we gave DD back, I never thought we would be here again, trying to figure out how we would pursue a family. I guess that is a pretty good sign that our hearts are healing. I hope everyone is doing well and had a great holiday! Thanks again for all yur support.
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Hi there Zenbaby. I'm new here (sort of, re-registered after long absence, searching for adoptive relatives) but came across your post. First, I'm so sorry for all your heartbreak. I just notice you mentioned a few posts back that you have endometriosis. If you don't mind me asking, was the endo tissue removed during surgery? Or are you planning a surgery to have it removed? On top of causing fertility issues, I know that is usually also a very painful condition. Lots of women have it--my heart goes out to them! I'm sorry to sound like one of these people all my infertility-suffering friends complain about (the folks who ask personal questions and offer unsolicited advice). My best friend struggled with infertility for years before finding out she had endometriosis. She had the surgery, during which they also removed cysts from her ovary and tried to fix her deviated (heart shaped) uterus. After the surgery, she was pregnant 3 months later. She had another child two years later. I guess I say all this because, well now that you have a diagnosis, I just hope you know it's one that still carries hope of pregnancy--IF that's what you even want. And I'm sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries here...you probably don't needs a stranger telling you this anyway. I just wanted to share my friend's success story regarding the endo. I know it might not solve your fertility issues--and maybe this doesn't help. I just notice you say you're being encouraged to try IVF. If a fertility specialist has hope for you to be able to get pregnant, I think that's very encouraging! Either way, best of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person, I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mom too if that ever happens. It sounds like those two babies you lost in adoption needed your love for a short time...maybe the future now holds a different opportunity for you regarding parenting?
stellaluna
Hi there Zenbaby. I'm new here (sort of, re-registered after long absence, searching for adoptive relatives) but came across your post. First, I'm so sorry for all your heartbreak. I just notice you mentioned a few posts back that you have endometriosis. If you don't mind me asking, was the endo tissue removed during surgery? Or are you planning a surgery to have it removed? On top of causing fertility issues, I know that is usually also a very painful condition. Lots of women have it--my heart goes out to them! I'm sorry to sound like one of these people all my infertility-suffering friends complain about (the folks who ask personal questions and offer unsolicited advice). My best friend struggled with infertility for years before finding out she had endometriosis. She had the surgery, during which they also removed cysts from her ovary and tried to fix her deviated (heart shaped) uterus. After the surgery, she was pregnant 3 months later. She had another child two years later. I guess I say all this because, well now that you have a diagnosis, I just hope you know it's one that still carries hope of pregnancy--IF that's what you even want. And I'm sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries here...you probably don't needs a stranger telling you this anyway. I just wanted to share my friend's success story regarding the endo. I know it might not solve your fertility issues--and maybe this doesn't help. I just notice you say you're being encouraged to try IVF. If a fertility specialist has hope for you to be able to get pregnant, I think that's very encouraging! Either way, best of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person, I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mom too if that ever happens. It sounds like those two babies you lost in adoption needed your love for a short time...maybe the future now holds a different opportunity for you regarding parenting?
So good to hear from you Zenbaby. I am sure that the holidays were rough but you are such an amazingly strong, loving woman that good things are bound to be headed your way. Your endo sounds like it was probably rated/staged high - hopefully, it provided some relief to your body (not just your ability to conceive but general healthwise too). Big hugs to you and thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think of you often around here.
Thanks for the well wishes allwhohope. The surgery definitely helped me feel better. I had been so preoccupied that I didn't even really notice how bad I felt until after the surgery. Yesterday was DD's first birthday. It was a little difficult since we had expected to be celebrating her birthday with a party full of friends and family. Our life changed so much when we held her and took her home and then it changed even more when we had to hand her back to the case worker. Sometimes I am not sure how to feel or what direction to go in. On any given day, I have completely opposing feelings about trying to become parents again! It may seem weird but I have a hard time thinking about setting up another nursery in DD's old one, like I would be replacing her or something. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and our amazing relationship. I know things will work out as they are meant too. I just pray for the patience I need in the mean time. I hope all is well with everyone!
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Zen,I logged in specifically to post here. It's nice to see an update from you.I remember the grace and decency that you showed when you gave back your daughter. As an adoptee, I appreciate the marvelous heart you have. I think you would/will make a marvelous mother, of an adoptee, of any child.I won't be so bold as to tell you what to do, but I hope that you find your child. The world needs more people like you raising other good people.Take care and many blessings.B.
Blessed2x, thank you for your kind words. Even though giving DD back to her birth family was difficult, I never regret our decision. I would feel terrible if my selfishness stood in the way of a loving family being together. Some people do not understand our decision and feel we did not "fight" for her but in our minds and hearts we were making the best decision for HER. So thank you for understanding. Thank you for the kindness. I am also an adopee. I was 12 when my step-father adopted me. I had/have no relationship with my biological father so I understand, to an extent, what it is like to wonder about where you came from and all the "what ifs". I think that perspective was invaluable during our situation. I think we may one day adopt again. Before the situation with DD came up, we were in the process of researching how to adopt a teenager. I can see us doing that in the future. We want to be sure our hearts have healed before we bring another child into them. We want to be in a place to give them our all. Again, thank you. The support has been very helpful and welcomed. Many blessings to you as well!