In limbo once again....

Zen, you've been on my mind so much this week. Sensi thoughts and prayers your way. Hoping for peace for all of you.

BF decided to parent so we had to say goodbye to our beautiful daughter after 20 weeks and 5 days. This has been a beyond difficult day. I will give more details in a couple of days. Thank you for your support!

I am so sorry. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Oh Zenbaby, my heart goes out to you! I'll will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you!!!

I am so very sorry you had to say goodbye to your baby after all that time. Hang in there!

Zen, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to have to send your child blindly out into the world but the strength & grace with which you have done so has been one of the most awe inspiring things I have ever seen. You are a wonderful mother & having to do this does not make you any less of a mother. Hugs to you & your hubby.

Thank you all so much for your support and kindness. I posted a bit of information on the general adoption page under I need Info Please! posting. DH and I have been home for a couple of days now. Seeing DD's empty nursery was very sad but we are doing better with each new day. I think we will not be pursuing adoption any longer. With the loss of DD and our previous failed match, we just don't have the heart (or money) to go down that road again. I won't say never but.... DH and I are so thankful for our wonderful relationship and our time as parents. Perhaps our love for one another is our blessing in this life. I truly thank each of you for your well wishes and kindness throughout this process.

Been thinking of you Zenbaby. Hope all is well

Thank you! We are doing pretty well given the circumstances. I had to have surgery a couple of weeks ago due to a very large ovarian cyst. They ended up removing the left ovary and found severe endometriosis stemming from the left ovary. They were able to finally give us a real diagnosis of infertility. Although not great news, it is very nice to know what the issue has been in preventing us from having a baby. I hope everyone is doing well too and having a great adoption journey!

How are you doing Zen? Thinking of you around the holidays--

I actually logged in today to ask the same thing. Zen - my thoughts and prayers are with you over the holiday....

Thanks for checking on me. The holidays were rough. We just stayed to ourselves. It didn't feel like much of a holiday season for us and we didn't want to take away from anyone else's joyful time. We are doing better now. February is a little difficult because we would be gearing up to celebrate DD's first birthday. Instead, we are starting to think about how we can make our dreams of having a family a reality again. Last we heard, DD's birth parents are in a court battle over custody and child support. She is doing well, or least that is what we are told. Time has healed us quite a bit. I think there will always be a small hole in my heart but I try to remember that, although she will never know us as mom and dad, we will always have the priviledge of being her mom and dad for a short time. My doctor thinks we should give IVF a try. We always wanted to adopt so we did not really explore fertility treatments that much. We mainly just wanted to make sure there was nothing medically wrong with us that would require treatment. So, we are starting to think about IVF or adoption again. After we gave DD back, I never thought we would be here again, trying to figure out how we would pursue a family. I guess that is a pretty good sign that our hearts are healing. I hope everyone is doing well and had a great holiday! Thanks again for all yur support.

Hi there Zenbaby. I'm new here (sort of, re-registered after long absence, searching for adoptive relatives) but came across your post. First, I'm so sorry for all your heartbreak. I just notice you mentioned a few posts back that you have endometriosis. If you don't mind me asking, was the endo tissue removed during surgery? Or are you planning a surgery to have it removed? On top of causing fertility issues, I know that is usually also a very painful condition. Lots of women have it--my heart goes out to them! I'm sorry to sound like one of these people all my infertility-suffering friends complain about (the folks who ask personal questions and offer unsolicited advice). My best friend struggled with infertility for years before finding out she had endometriosis. She had the surgery, during which they also removed cysts from her ovary and tried to fix her deviated (heart shaped) uterus. After the surgery, she was pregnant 3 months later. She had another child two years later. I guess I say all this because, well now that you have a diagnosis, I just hope you know it's one that still carries hope of pregnancy--IF that's what you even want. And I'm sorry if I'm overstepping boundaries here...you probably don't needs a stranger telling you this anyway. I just wanted to share my friend's success story regarding the endo. I know it might not solve your fertility issues--and maybe this doesn't help. I just notice you say you're being encouraged to try IVF. If a fertility specialist has hope for you to be able to get pregnant, I think that's very encouraging! Either way, best of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person, I'm sure you'd make a wonderful mom too if that ever happens. It sounds like those two babies you lost in adoption needed your love for a short time...maybe the future now holds a different opportunity for you regarding parenting?

Hi and thanks for the encouragement! My GYN found a large, 11 inch cyst (nope, that's not a typo! :-)) on my left ovary due to severe endometriosis. She had to remove my ovary and fallopian tube and scraped the endo tissue off every surrounding organ and my pelvic wall. Very painful BTW! :-D Unfortunately, my right ovary and Fallopian tube are not in the right place for us to conceive naturally. She believes the severity of the endometriosis caused them to get misplaced. She does believe that IVF could be a possibility so we are considering it. That is great about your friend and her story! I believe things happen for a reason. Maybe we will have children one day, either biological or adopted, or we will spend the rest of our lives just loving each other and being grateful for all the wonderful things we do have. Some days we are really open to having children and others we can't even imagine having another baby. It is a process. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to share an encouraging story.

So good to hear from you Zenbaby. I am sure that the holidays were rough but you are such an amazingly strong, loving woman that good things are bound to be headed your way. Your endo sounds like it was probably rated/staged high - hopefully, it provided some relief to your body (not just your ability to conceive but general healthwise too). Big hugs to you and thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think of you often around here.