In limbo once again....

Thanks for the well wishes allwhohope. The surgery definitely helped me feel better. I had been so preoccupied that I didn't even really notice how bad I felt until after the surgery. Yesterday was DD's first birthday. It was a little difficult since we had expected to be celebrating her birthday with a party full of friends and family. Our life changed so much when we held her and took her home and then it changed even more when we had to hand her back to the case worker. Sometimes I am not sure how to feel or what direction to go in. On any given day, I have completely opposing feelings about trying to become parents again! It may seem weird but I have a hard time thinking about setting up another nursery in DD's old one, like I would be replacing her or something. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband and our amazing relationship. I know things will work out as they are meant too. I just pray for the patience I need in the mean time. I hope all is well with everyone!

Zen,I logged in specifically to post here. It's nice to see an update from you.I remember the grace and decency that you showed when you gave back your daughter. As an adoptee, I appreciate the marvelous heart you have. I think you would/will make a marvelous mother, of an adoptee, of any child.I won't be so bold as to tell you what to do, but I hope that you find your child. The world needs more people like you raising other good people.Take care and many blessings.B.

Blessed2x, thank you for your kind words. Even though giving DD back to her birth family was difficult, I never regret our decision. I would feel terrible if my selfishness stood in the way of a loving family being together. Some people do not understand our decision and feel we did not "fight" for her but in our minds and hearts we were making the best decision for HER. So thank you for understanding. Thank you for the kindness. I am also an adopee. I was 12 when my step-father adopted me. I had/have no relationship with my biological father so I understand, to an extent, what it is like to wonder about where you came from and all the "what ifs". I think that perspective was invaluable during our situation. I think we may one day adopt again. Before the situation with DD came up, we were in the process of researching how to adopt a teenager. I can see us doing that in the future. We want to be sure our hearts have healed before we bring another child into them. We want to be in a place to give them our all. Again, thank you. The support has been very helpful and welcomed. Many blessings to you as well!