Considering adopting a 4 year old child with autism

Hi everyone. Hoping to get some advice from other adoptive or birth parents of children with autism. My husband and I have a birth daughter who is 4 years old. She is very talkative and just very social in general. We have just begun the adoption process (currently awaiting home study). Our daughter is VERY excited at the possibility of having a sibling, especially a brother. I have several friends with children who have ASD of varying degrees. I'm not really worried about any autism specific issues from my daughter's side of things. She will undoubtedly have some monstrous jealousy issues no matter who the child is (which we have already begun preparing her for and discussing). My concern with bringing a child on the spectrum into our home is for them. I know that ASD varies so greatly that this question is probably close to impossible to answer...and obviously the probable lack of intervention and therapies thus far in the child's life may be an issue. But my question (at the risk of sounding heartless or using an offensive term on accident...) how moldable is a 4 year old autistic child? Will they be totally thrown for the loop by our sometimes wild and dramatic birth daughter? Is his own bedroom enough of a sanctuary in case of the need for quiet time? If he is nonverbal at 4 years old, is speach still a possibility for the future? Will our birth daughter miss out on activities like vacations or Disneyland because the adopted child is overwhelmed by these situations? I know that we have a lot to offer another child but I don't want to make their lives miserable in the process of our own fulfillment. The boy we seem to be drawn to is 4 years old, has transitional issues (going from schooldays to weekend and vice versa was mentioned specifically), enjoys school, riding the bus to school, and does have the ability to form attachment to caregivers. Thats about all I have to go on. The fact that he enjoys very social and probably occasionally loud and hectic situations like public school and school busses gives me a lot of confidence. I don't want to be overly confident or expect too much though. We have some amazing resources within a 30 minute drive from home and as well as friends experienced with the struggles and joys of living with autism. I know the situation is DOABLE. But will it be PLEASANT for all parties at least most of the time? Any advice would be fantastic!

My now 12yo step son was 5yo when I met him. He is high functioning pdd-nos. He was completely non-verbal until he was 4yo (just grunted). He was also not potty trained when I met him. He threw massive tantrums and was in a contained special ed classroom. Since my husband and I gained full time custody of him (at 6 1/2 yo) he has become fully potty trained, speaks non-stop, and is fully mainstreamed in school (with an aide). So there is definately hope...however, every kid is different. With our son, I believe the stability of being in our home (Mom was habitually moving or homeless, occasionally on drugs) and intervention services (speech therapy, etc) has made all of the difference. Good luck! My son is awesome- he now tells me he loves me (first!) and gives hugs because he wants to.

That's the sort of story I was hoping for. Good job to you and your husband for getting him the therapies he needed! To me it seems fairly obvious that he (the boy we are hoping to adopt) is not severely affected just for the fact that he does enjoy social situations and is able to attach. I am really hoping that he is verbal but if not, at least I know now that there is some hope that he can be in the future. It would be terrible to be placed in a home with virtual strangers who are to be your new parents and not be able to communicate. Especially at such a young age. They are so curious and full of questions. Does your son interact with other children ? Thanks for the response!

Our son does interact with other kids....he does best with kids 4-5years younger than him. He really tries to fit in with kids his age but he gets very obsessive about certain topics (astronomy, anatomy, etc) that don't interest a lot of kids his age. We do have a blended family..my 3 bio kids, my husband's 2 bio kids and our adopted 2yo. My son with pdd-nos is 12yo...his closest siblings are the 2yo and a 17yo....but he gets along with both. He is jealous of the 2yo but he was the youngest for 10 years! I think that with 2 kids the same age, they would probably get along well. And in my experience, it seems like the girls tend to be more empathetic and nicer to my son than other boys.

Thank you! Very helpful.

My bio son with autism is six years old. Sometimes things like parties and theme parks go smoothly. Often times they do not. Autism affects the whole family, both positively and negatively. I have to say it has been tough on his sibling. His brother has had to witness massive meltdowns, been the target of agression, and has had to spend a lot of time in waiting rooms of therapy clinics. In many ways my little guy has almost functioned as a peer therapist for his brother--a role I don't feel comfortable in him taking, but happened due to my older son's disability. And my son is also mainstreamed, verbal, and considered extremely high-functioning. Your daughter will be older developmentally, which might make it easier for her to understand. My neurotypical child is younger. I still believe this will be a much more difficult transition than a "typical" child would bring. On the other hand, siblings of children with autism tend to be more sensitive and compassionate adults. They learn a lot of social skills as their struggling siblings go to therapy for relationship help. There are many many positives. The autistic mind is amazing and your family will learn so much about themselves and about neurological differences. Just be aware that vacations will not be seamless and your future son will need many accomodations to succeed in your home as well as extensive therapies. It is like a part-time job sometimes, researching different therapies and strategies to help my son develop. It is a huge responsibility. I wish you and your family the best! And I highly recommend DIR and RDI therapies.

Thanks for the response and the honesty! This has been very helpful. I know a transition with any child won't be easy. But you're right about this transition being much more difficult since he has transitional issues with things associated with his normal daily life. The affect of autism on siblings is the one thing that really bothers me. We have a whole lot of serious thinking and discussing to do. My daughter can be very compassionate. She likes to take care of others and feel needed. But she is also used to having all of our attention most of the time. There will be some big jealousy issues arising no matter what child we adopt. A child with special needs who may need even more of our attention is definitely something that we need ponder a little longer. Although I know that it is something that we can handle as parents, I'm not 100% sure that it will mesh with our current family dynamics. I guess nothing is really certain in adoption though. Uncertainty=stress!

QUOTE=OkieMama]My concern with bringing a child on the spectrum into our home is for them. I know that ASD varies so greatly that this question is probably close to impossible to answer...and obviously the probable lack of intervention and therapies thus far in the child's life may be an issue. But my question (at the risk of sounding heartless or using an offensive term on accident...) how moldable is a 4 year old autistic child? [/quote] It depends. My son is very adaptable-which is unusually for kids with autism (low functioning). He's gone from a raving wild child to great kid with occasional tantrums and meltdowns. He adapts well to changes in schedule----but he's very different in that regard. Maybe....or depending on the severity, may not even notice. Maybe...but I'm not sure that works as an only option. My son does need just normal time in his room with this things to regroup and ground himself--too long without that "Me" space and he gets tense....but the family will have to also have ways to give the child space within the family setting. Maybe....my son is still non-verbal and language will always be a challenge for him even if he does start using words. My advice would be that you not go into this with the expectation that the child is going to advance--hope yes, expectation no. If you can't live with this child for the rest of your life at the level the child is now, really think about what it would be like if he never develops those skills. Very possibly. When we go on outings we have to plan, plan, plan....and even the activity may tank and we leave----or I spend up to 30 minutes dealing with a meltdown if we really need to stay. You'll need more than that, though. The schools may have accomodations and techniques in place to make the experience bearable. I love my son. I love and enjoy parenting him---the point I may well be matched with another child just like him.....but I'm not sure that "pleasant" is how most people would describe my daily. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I'd go for it...just be sure to accept the child where the child is, not where you'd like for him to be.

True. I think all kids have their issues, some more than others. Wanting "pleasant" with any kid might be like finding a needle in a haystack. All kids have their good times and their bad times. With severely developmentally delayed kids, there is more of a strain-- more patience, more therapy, etc.

When you add a kid, both kids will be your concern. Maybe they'll both be jealous of each other. Maybe she will tease and pester him. Maybe having the little boy will teach your daughter needed sharing of attention. Maybe he'll teach her other skills... and she'll teach him something. Kids have to learn to share and deal with siblings. Whether or not you want another child is up to you, though if you have your doubts, skip it.

I "twinned" my birth child, an only child who was very friendly, with an adopted child who wasn't autistic and it was a disaster, especially when school started. I recommend getting a younger child. The age issue became constant and the kids were always compared. To this day, the two truly dislike one another and the adopted one has moved away from our family, which is heartbreaking to us, but does happen with older adopted kids.I also adopted an ASD child who is now almost twenty. Do not assume that high functioning means your child will be independent when he or she grows up, high functioning or not. You simply don't know. My child is a great person and everyone loves him. He will be 85% independent when he moves out, but he still requires services. This doesn't bother husband and I at all, but if it might bother you, don't do it. Having said that, we wouldn't trade him for the world.

I have to suggest more reading around this. I work with people with intellectual disabilities, and speak to parents and siblings often. Some siblings really don't ever adjust, and others do. Its a hard call. My niece at twenty one has an older sister with dyspraxia, she displays quite a few asd behaviours...lack of social skills, tantrums ( still at 23 ) hates changes in routine etc etc. The relationship between the two as young adults is fraught to say the least and she totally resents her older sister mainly because of all the attention given to her as they were growing up. Someone in New Zealand ( my country) has just done a thesis on this very subject...will try to get link through to you

[url=http://www.ihc.org.nz/items/invitation-to-free-talk-on-siblings-with-a-disability/]Invitation to Free Talk on Siblings with a Disability : IHC New Zealand | Understanding Intellectual disability | In your community[/url] The thesis can be downloaded. I haven't had the chance to read it myself but maybe there are insights for you

and then there is this [url=http://www.upworthy.com/when-faced-with-his-brother-s-disability-this-big-brother-decides-to-run-with-it-2?g=2]When Faced With His Brother’s Disability, This Big Brother Decides To Run With It[/url]

The first step to adopting is to make the decision that it's what you want to do. No one can really do that.A few things to consider about this first step. Realize that you will be taking another kid into your home. Adoption has it's own joys, and it's own pitfalls, it's different than giving birth to children. Still, it can be a very rewarding thing. Adoption will change your life, in a way that giving birth won't. You gain a child from the experience, but you will also gain an appreciation for people you might not always meet in your daily life.