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My husband and I decided to do an older child adoption through our state (Michigan) and we were matched at the end of April to two boys, aged 14 and 7. We were very nervous and happy and hopeful. We met them and the caseworker told us to move slowly, which was frustrating, but we understood it would be better for the boys to do so. We had a few visits in the area they lived (far from us, so it was very difficult on us and our two little girls- 3 and 5) and moved on to day visits at our home about once per week. At the beginning, I spoke often to the foster mom because she knows the boys well and could provide assistance to us. She never seemed to mind, our conversations were usually 20 minutes or so, with both of us giving and taking quite easily. It made me feel better to know that I could come to her. However, this changed rather abruptly when I sent her a message asking her what she thought about homeschooling the kiddos. She never replied to me and I later received a call from the caseworker telling me to have limited contact with the fmom. I was confused and hurt because everything seemed so easy until that point. We homeschool our oldest child, so this was a natural progression that I don't understand her hostility toward. The only explanation I got was that the kids would be socially backward and that I wouldn't have time to school all three of them. So, time marches on and we keep visiting, only talking when we have to schedule something. She complains about the elder boy anytime I talk to her, telling me how much he whines and complains and walks hopelessly around the yard. Then, the caseworker calls me and says that the younger boy is having a health issue and do we want to be the ones to make the decision. I say yes, of course, because by the time it is time to do something, they will be placed in our home adoptively. Little did I know that the caseworker was not discussing our agreement with fmom, so I was the one who got the joy of telling her I already knew about it when she gave me the news. And, like clockwork, she disagreed with the decision we would make, which was to try a different treatment option. Still, she had an appointment with the surgeon and I asked if I could go. She said yes, then promptly asked the caseworker to be there. The visit went as expected; hostile and tense. And sadly, the youngest boy was there, so he got to experience it all. The next day, the caseworker called me and told me that the boys do not want to move forward with our adoption because their voice is not being heard (a phrase we heard from fmom during the visit to the surgeon.) The older boy is concerned that we are going to homeschool him (which we were told we could not until the adoption was final and I told him that he would still go to school at least half-time either way) and the younger concerned that his unnecessary surgery would not happen after being told that it would. The boys never expressed to us this feeling of concern, nor did they say anything to our caseworker or counselor. If they expressed it to fmom, she certainly didn't tell anyone else. I'm completely floored that they can express a concern once and are not expected to discuss it with us with the caseworker so that we might be able to explain ourselves or come to a compromise. There was no consideration of our feelings whatsoever. No grief counseling, no further explanation other than, "this is what they want." What about our rights to make decisions post-adoptively? We were given the choice by the caseworker about the surgery, so why are we being penalized when our decision is made? We have followed all their rules and still we aren't given the decency of talking to their therapist or given a chance for mediation? Is this what they are wanting the kids to believe, that if things don't go exactly as they would like, they can just run away? The answer, of course, is yes. And there were no other issues. We all got along great, they loved our home, the dogs, the girls and our town. This is causing me to question everything, whether it was all a lie or if we were sabotaged by fmom. I want to be understanding and gracious, but this process has been going for a year and a half and our girls are devastated. Hubbie and I are walking zombies. We invested all we had into these boys and to be let go so coldly is unbearable. It doesn't sound much better on the direct adoption side of things either, but I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few days to discuss our options. I'm not even sure we can do this again...my heart is in a million pieces. I worry for my family's emotional health. And the hardest part is that there is no recourse...we'll never see them again or know how they are doing. They are stuck there with that passive-aggressive woman and I can't do anything about it! And she doesn't even want to adopt them! :mad:
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sherbear53
The next day, the caseworker called me and told me that the boys do not want to move forward with our adoption because their voice is not being heard (a phrase we heard from fmom during the visit to the surgeon.) The older boy is concerned that we are going to homeschool him (which we were told we could not until the adoption was final and I told him that he would still go to school at least half-time either way) and the younger concerned that his unnecessary surgery would not happen after being told that it would. The boys never expressed to us this feeling of concern, nor did they say anything to our caseworker or counselor. If they expressed it to fmom, she certainly didn't tell anyone else. I'm completely floored that they can express a concern once and are not expected to discuss it with us with the caseworker so that we might be able to explain ourselves or come to a compromise.
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ruth74
It doesn't actually surprise me that the kids didn't talk to you about their feelings, or to the caseworker. In addition to being an adoptive mom, I'm a counselor working with teenagers. Over the years I have worked with many in state custody, and I've heard several similar things from kids (not telling anyone about their concerns, then letting it all out at once). I think part of the challenge is that it isn't about compromise; if the kids aren't comfortable at that age, then it really is up to them. What I have heard caseworkers do before (and what I have done) is ask the kids to have an open conversation about it, but in the end if they refuse to, that's their choice. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in your situation, but I did want to say that it may or may not be coming from the foster mom, and I am glad that, as badly as the situation went, the kids' feelings and concerns are really being honored.
Thanks for the words of sympathy. It actually helps me to know that the system hasn't just failed us. A couple days ago, my husband wrote this to his sister:"My weekend consisted of alternately wondering if I am even fit to father my own children, let alone adopted children, and trying to come to grips with the fact that even though Sherri and I try live like most of the other people on the planet, we are still in the minority here in the US and therefore subject to ignorant judgment and ridicule."I think that pretty much sums up how we feel. I read your story, lifewithfaith, and I feel for you. I feel like the state is too overwhelmed with cases, that many of the workers are jaded and don't remember how to help people who are hurting. It sucks. I think we might need a long break, too, but I want more children so badly! I just wish my body would cooperate so we won't have to go through this again. :(
Thanks for the words of sympathy. It actually helps me to know that the system hasn't just failed us. A couple days ago, my husband wrote this to his sister:"My weekend consisted of alternately wondering if I am even fit to father my own children, let alone adopted children, and trying to come to grips with the fact that even though Sherri and I try live like most of the other people on the planet, we are still in the minority here in the US and therefore subject to ignorant judgment and ridicule."I think that pretty much sums up how we feel. I read your story, lifewithfaith, and I feel for you. I feel like the state is too overwhelmed with cases, that many of the workers are jaded and don't remember how to help people who are hurting. It sucks. I think we might need a long break, too, but I want more children so badly! I just wish my body would cooperate so we won't have to go through this again. :(
The other thing I forgot to say is that we haven't heard from the caseworker since Friday, even though I called and asked her to call me regarding a few questions I had. We sent emails as well. All I wanted to know is what to do with the boys' belongings that were left here. A simply reply would suffice...
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I think the sw handled this wrong in that there wasn't an advocate set up for you or your family. While her job is to advocate for the boys and listen to them, there should be something or someone in place for you when problems arise.I can see a 14 year old completely balking at the idea of homeschooling. My own dd would consider it a kiss of death in a very dramatic way. I'm not saying homeschooling is wrong or not the right choice, simply that to a 14 year old who has never been home schooled, I can see where a teen would have said "nope, not going". And that would have to be listened to. So was it him or the fm? Who knows, and I'm sure that in itself is very frustrating because you have no clear answers, which you deserve to have.Making the kids sit down with you to discuss their decision wouldn't be fair to them. They have the right to have a say so and not be put in a situation that makes them uncomfortable. So for that I understand the state's decision to not have a meeting about it with you. However, after 1.5 years, certainly they'd do better in the long run with a goodbye visit at least. That seems cruel to everyone.I'm sorry this happened and I do blame the sw for not handling it right. No need to have more hurt and loss made worse because she can't pick up a phone. That's just unacceptable.
I am so sorry you and your family have had to go through this. Our system is broken. Unfortunately, I don't believe private adoption is much better. We are going through a contested private adoption and we have had a failed match shortly before the due date. When we looked into fost/adopt, we were told we had to be open to at least two children and a certain age range. We also had a SW tell us to be careful with older children. IDK but it just felt like every agency we spoke to the SWs were stretched beyond what they could handle. We spoke with 4 agencies that handle foster to adopt and foster and ultimately decided to do private domestic infant adoption. It hasn't been fun either so I don't really have any a dice for you. Maybe take some time and let yourself and your family heal some before you make a decision about what to do next. That is what we are going to try to do if our DD goes to her bdad. I wish you the best.
ruth74
It doesn't actually surprise me that the kids didn't talk to you about their feelings, or to the caseworker. In addition to being an adoptive mom, I'm a counselor working with teenagers. Over the years I have worked with many in state custody, and I've heard several similar things from kids (not telling anyone about their concerns, then letting it all out at once). I think part of the challenge is that it isn't about compromise; if the kids aren't comfortable at that age, then it really is up to them. What I have heard caseworkers do before (and what I have done) is ask the kids to have an open conversation about it, but in the end if they refuse to, that's their choice. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in your situation, but I did want to say that it may or may not be coming from the foster mom, and I am glad that, as badly as the situation went, the kids' feelings and concerns are really being honored.
I finally got an email from the caseworker, stating we could sit down on Friday to talk about what happened. Yeah, that only took five days...three business days. Ridiculous. No wonder they are having such trouble finding people to come and adopt older children. It's a noble thing, but it is such a hassle to deal with bureaucracy. The truth is, no one will ever know what really happened, especially if the boys are not being truthful about their feelings. It could be FM, or the caseworker, or us, or them who the problem is with. Either way, our family is hurting. I just need some support, not answers. No one knows! On the upside, my meeting with the direct adoption lawyer went well. He is an easy going man, still pretty new to the field, though. Does $1000 seem like too much for lawyer fees? He said his fee schedule is about to change because he is adding more lawyers to his group, so it is going from $600 to $1000. Either way, I would pay the money, especially if it means having more of a say in what happens to our family. I know we can't prevent the actions of other people, but knowing it's a risk makes all the difference. I can separate myself from it better. At any rate, we'll take some time to get back on our feet before making a decision.
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CRAZY_WOMAN
Agreed, I was in foster care ,wouldn't talk about my feelings, unless I was forced. It should be left to the foster kids. Maybe the foster parent knew what the kids wanted and she heard you mention something she knew the kids didn't want , so she had to open her mouth. I can't blame her. I wondering if the 14 year old even wanted to leave his foster home, have a new mom. I wouldn't have, but I a different person.
I would imagine they will do the surgery, yes. The point of my post was to seek out others who have been through this, people who could support me during this time, not to give me information regarding the circumstances I am under. I am fully aware that they chose not to come and live with us, I am also fully aware that I will never know what happened, how the system works and why, etc. I understand all sides of it, the problem is I don't agree with all sides of it. I'm hurting, though. I need support. I don't mean to be catty or rude, but I don't need anyone to explain anything to me.
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Robin- Thanks for your concern. :) It's been a terrible year. After we lost the boys, I went on to get pregnant and lost the baby at 7 weeks. Then our dog of 14 years died. And it seemed like nothing was going to go right for us. But, I think we are coming out of that season now- we renewed our homestudy paperwork and are looking forward again. I'm also going on fertility meds on Monday to get pregnant again, so we'll see how that goes. I'm still very leery of trying again through the state, but we had a follow-up meeting and they admitted they were not as attentive to the case as they should've been. They also said we should look at adopting a younger child, 8 and under, which is an age group we were told would not be available to us, even though we could have tried for it. We needed some time to process and grieve, and that's what this last year has been. Lots of grieving. Things are looking up, though.
sherbear53
I personally don't agree with how the state handled this mess. There are other people involved in this situation and they did not advocate for us AT ALL. We should not have our feelings stepped on just because the kids are unsure. A better way would be to teach them they must express what they are feeling by making us all sit down with the therapist and talk it out. Even if it ended the same, we would have closure and so would they. In this situation, they have only taught them that it is okay to hide things and run. And they don't get to see our side of it; how it effects our lives, too. That is an important lesson for them to learn, that their actions cause reactions. My only goal in this wasn't just to make them happy, but make my whole family happy. This is incongruent. My children are devastated. If social services cares about the welfare of the family, they sure didn't consider ours.