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Kinship care is a much messier awkward animal than "standard" foster care, and this is just one of many reasons ... I am not a big Facebook user, but I do use it to keep in touch with family scattered around. I absolutely do not talk about my nephew's case and have never even mentioned that he's in care, but I do post pics of him sometimes. (Yes, I eventually learned from here that you're not supposed to do this, but since I was never told any of the "rules", technically I don't know this. For all I know DHS would think it's okay since it's kinship. I post pics of my other nephews, too, who are not in care.) The majority of family unfriended my sister (nephew's mom) before her kids came into care, because of a bad family fall-out. A handful of extended family who have no idea what happened still have her as friends. So I have some "friends" in common with nephew's mom. I didn't realize that if a friend likes/comments on something you post that friends of the friend can then see the post. Once I learned that I then put all of those "mutual friends" on my restricted list, so that they can no longer see any of my posts or pictures. However, i recently found out that one of these "mutual friends" is very sympathetic to nephew's mom (obviously doesn't know anything other than what nephew's mom has told her). So because she is also a friend of other friends, she can see stuff that I post if those other friends like/comment on them. Which means she can pass any comments/pictures on to nephew's mom. Ever since I found that out, I haven't posted anything. I don't really know what to do. Unfriending the "mutual friends" doesn't do any good because many other "friends" have also friended these people. So the same problem applies ... if a friend likes/comments on my stuff then these "friends" of nephew's mom will be able to see it. And I can't ask all of the family to unfriend anyone who's friends with nephew's mom. Why oh why doesn't have a privacy checkbox that says I ONLY WANT MY STUFF TO BE SHARED WITH PEOPLE I FRIEND AND NO ONE ELSE!!!!! I have gone through the privacy settings many times and don't see any way I can prevent friends of friends from seeing content that my "friend" has liked/commented. Technically I could block the "mutual" friends but then I'd have to keep checking to see if any other "mutual" friends ended up cropping up down the road. We're waiting to hear back on ruling from TPR trial, if TPR is granted then we will adopt and we will definitely want to be sharing more stuff at that point. I guess my other option is to start using Google Plus instead, but most people don't use it. any suggestions? :(
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I post pics ALL the time of my niece and nephew. Lots of people ask and I just say they're staying with us for awhile. No one ever told me I couldn't, but as you said I don't think kinship placements get the same rules given at the beggining. I am not friends with bios, and if someone wants to pass pics along I figure so be it. They can see how happy and how much fun their kids are having and what they're missing out on. If it's something I don't want certain people to see or have I simply don't post it. Our whole family knows the situation and no one talks to my bio sister. But as I said if she sees pics I post I hope she may for once think 'Wow, I missed out on that, maybe I should get my butt in gear if I want my kids back and to enjoy these moments with them.' So with that said I think it's really up to you. If it bothers you that bad I would simply not post pics. I do believe there is a way to make it though so only 'friends' can see your stuff and not 'friends of friends'. For whatever it's worth. I can say I felt the same way as you at the beginning and still do when it comes to a lot of things. I don't want bios to be involved in my or the kids business if they're not even going to make an attempt to do the right thing. Then I realized there is just somethings I had to let go of. Good luck!
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I'm in a kinship to adopt situation too and we have the same problem. BioMom is my best friends step daughter. So I do not post anything, no comments, no photos nothing in regards to the kids. It will be harder after we adopt K as like you said the bio's will be able to see my bff's posts. It's unfortunate and really there's nothing I can do about it and honestly I dont care. I think they'll see how great she's doing and I'm fine with that.
Just as an fyi for those of you saying maybe kinship is different, at least in Illinois the fb rules are the same. I had the same issue, no one told us & I even had bios permission because they wanted to see pictures. Somehow agency found out (bmom showed cw i think, she was proud of the pictures & wanted to share) & we got major scolding. Were told that it didn't matter that we were related, didn't matter that bios approved, while the state has custody the state says no online pictures (even if required pw access to see). Its amazing, bios can control haircuts, but not pictures :) Anyway, just wanted to let you know how it went for us. We havent finalized yet, so still waiting to see how it goes once we are allowed to post.
JLMom
Just as an fyi for those of you saying maybe kinship is different, at least in Illinois the fb rules are the same. I had the same issue, no one told us & I even had bios permission because they wanted to see pictures. Somehow agency found out (bmom showed cw i think, she was proud of the pictures & wanted to share) & we got major scolding. Were told that it didn't matter that we were related, didn't matter that bios approved, while the state has custody the state says no online pictures (even if required pw access to see). Its amazing, bios can control haircuts, but not pictures :) Anyway, just wanted to let you know how it went for us. We havent finalized yet, so still waiting to see how it goes once we are allowed to post.
Kezs
You can set up custom groups to share things with, and only share comments about your nephew with the people you know will not pass them on to Biomom. If you find a friend doing it, move them to the other list. Facebooks is great, but it is also very hard because it likes to give everything away.
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UTbrie
There is a setting for anything you post (statements or pictures) that states "Friends Except Aquaintences". This means only YOUR friends can see the post/pictures, and not the Friends of Friends. I use it constantly.
irq11
As far as the "rules" about posting on FB, there might be rules for kinship too. But since I've never been told any rules at all, how am I supposed to know if it's okay or not?? If DHS does find out and get mad, then I'll just take the pics down.
I can honestly say I don't think I was told anything as a kinship placement. I have read a few thing on here that I just think are crazy, no facebook pics, no haircuts w/o permission. I do stuff not even thinking twice. Maybe here in Cali. it's not as strict or maybe my CW just doesn't care, but no one has ever said anything about any of it. So who knows...I just live my life just like I plan to when I have my own biological children. I guess that is one way I have it pretty easy with my kiddos... :-)
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I'm in Cali also. I was never told with my first kinship placement so I know what you mean. Since I was a regular foster parent before these two, I asked what I could & could not do & they told me fb pics were forbidden as well as using their real name on fb. It's crazy to require kinship placements to do this because we posted prior to placement. I also had to get permission to cut their hair, but had no problem getting permission thankfully. It could vary county to county in California or your CW does not worry about it. I think the relaxed attitude for us kinship carers is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it's nice they are not on us 24/7 on the other, they tend to put us on a backburner & have even worse communication with us than regular foster placements which is hard to believe.
luvbeingamom
Could you break down how to do this? I feel like I should give up FB altogether because I may be hurting my kid's mother. I really enjoy it though & have been trying to find a way to use it without the kid post and pics popping up on her feed everytime a mutual friend comments on it.
He's your nephew before he is a ward of the state. For kinship care, he'd be your nephew whether or not the state has temp. custody or not. Still, I don't know for a fact that kinship caretakers who are close relatives (as you are) must follow the same FB regulations as FPs. I'd ask your CW... Try the ideas above with a non-nephew photo and have your friends help you test to see if it workeed. If you want to be extra careful, just take all the photos down off of FB and only US postal mail photos to a select few, for now. You are hoping to adopt so you can get the subsidy, correct?
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UTbrie
When you write your statement, BUT BEFORE you hit post....on the left side next to the post button is a drop down box. Mine is set to default to "friends". THis means friends and friends of friends can see what I write if they comment on it. If you choose "friends except aquaintences" it prevents friends of friends from seeing anything, even if THEIR friend comments on your FB page.