Birthfather's Wife - Her Hatred toward Me, the Birthdaughter

Hi Moonbeam! I can't find the selfishness in continuing a relationship with your bdad. I just caution against the blanket judgment on his wife. If she was open armed to begin with and shut down, something happened and you probably don't know what it is. I see a lot of judgement about wives on this site and I have a hard time believing that they are all bad people. I have a much easier time understanding that there are things that go on and things that play out that the adoptee doesn't see. Lots and lots of misunderstanding but few bad people. I say that kind of as a release but also for you to step out of the triangle. One person stepping out of it makes it go away. There can't be a triangle without three people in it. The only thing that you have to be able to step out is to not judge and be the good person you are while learning about your bdad and developing a relationship with him. You can't manage what she thinks and you can't carry what she thinks. You can't manage their relationship and once you judge their relationship, you have gotten in the middle of it. Your bdad is not a victim. Don't allow yourself to think there are victims and villians. They don't exist in this. It's a lot of people trying to make sense of emotions that don't make sense. It's best to not even try to make sense of them. It's a brain puzzle with no solution. It just runs in circles. One of my favorite sayings is, "what you think about me is none of my business." Do what you can to send good thoughts her way. Pray that she finds the peace that she doesn't have right now and let her go. Her anger being directed at you is tearing her up. I promise that is true. It can't be any other way. Should is one of the most destructive and over used words in our language. Let go of any idea of how things should be and take the relationship that you are able to have with your bdad under the circumstances that exist now and trust that if you can do that, it will all work for the best. It will take time and faith but that's all you have and it will be worth it.

[QUOTE=wanttodoright]I say that kind of as a release but also for you to step out of the triangle. One person stepping out of it makes it go away. There can't be a triangle without three people in it. The only thing that you have to be able to step out is to not judge and be the good person you are while learning about your bdad and developing a relationship with him. You can't manage what she thinks and you can't carry what she thinks. You can't manage their relationship and once you judge their relationship, you have gotten in the middle of it. Your bdad is not a victim. Don't allow yourself to think there are victims and villians. They don't exist in this. It's a lot of people trying to make sense of emotions that don't make sense. It's best to not even try to make sense of them. It's a brain puzzle with no solution. It just runs in circles. [QUOTE] Best therapy - EVER - being on this site! Thank you. I want to make sure I understand this paragraph. Do you mean by stepping out of the triangle that I just "ignore" what she is doing - like if my birthdad brings her up in conversation that I re-direct the conversation? It feels bad to ignore it, it feels bad to talk about her, it all just feels bad. I know I can't control her actions - or the actions of my birthdad - but I can't help feeling "guilty" for trying to talk to him / wanting a relationship with him when his wife - and their marriage - is in such turmoil (supposedly because of me). Sigh. [I think way too much!!] :grr:

Their marriage is in turmoil because of them, not because of you. It's something about you that isn't being handled or understood between them but that has nothing to do with you. I don't think either of them really understand that. I would suggest if she comes up in conversation in any negative way, let him know that if there is ever anything that you can do to help that you would like to know but anything past that feels uncomfortable and hurts you.

I hit the send button before I was done but that's probably a sign that I'm done. :) My best thoughts are with you.

Their marriage is in turmoil because of them, not because of you. It's something about you that isn't being handled or understood between them but that has nothing to do with you. I don't think either of them really understand that.

I would suggest if she comes up in conversation in any negative way, let him know that if there is ever anything that you can do to help that you would like to know but anything past that feels uncomfortable and hurts you. I have printed this out and put it were I can read and re-read it. Sometimes I need to have things said to me - and then repeated and repeated - until it sinks in. These are words I need to remember; thank you. I will continue to send them both good thoughts and pray for peace and understanding from all sides. This is not an easy road we walk, but I am a better person because of it. Peace to all of us.