Help with adopting a sibling
Hi,

New to this forum, could use some advice.

We are the adoptive parents of a wonderful, bright, energetic and loving 8yo girl, Hailee, who came to live with us when she was just 10 mos. old. We fostered at first but soon decided adoption was for us as her birth mother lost her parental rights.

Since that time the birth mother has given birth to a boy who is now 5yo. She has been in and out of jail, detox, addiction, rehab like a viscious circle, draging her young son along for the ride. Now the state has finally decided enough is enough and plans to terminate her rights again. They have called us to try and coax us into adopting the young boy.

I am just not sure how this will affect our daughter Hailee, who is doing wonderfully well and is more than any parent could ever ask for. (we also have 3 grown children 21-24-27 who are wonderful).

I am turning 50 this year and am not sure I am ready to adopt another child who may or may not have learning/social/behavioral disabilities stemming from being boirn addicted to heroin, and being neglected and or mistreated his whole life. My wife and I both work full time and we just don't have the extra money or time I feel we would need to devote.

My compassionate side is telling me that I have to do it, make a sacrifice, it will work out. My rational side is putting the brakes on hard. My parent/protection side is scared that if we adopt the boy, it will be harmfull to our daughter or if we don't it will be harmfull to her.

The case worker is laying the guilt trip on my wife about the whole thing which is making her really upset also. The case worker is trying to set up a phone call between us and the boy, (they are in Georga, we are in MA) The case worker also says the boy REALLY wants to come live with his sister.

The birth mother is pregnant again, in jail, heading to rehab, due and day now. (Hey, let's start the cycle over again)

I am at a loss for what to do.

Anybody have simalar experience or helpfull advice.
Do these children even know each other? Have they ever lived together?

I wouldn't let them guilt you into this. The boy is 5 and unless he's had some significant relationship with his sister, someone else put the idea in his head that this is what he wants.

I would NOT do the phone call with the boy. If this isn't what you want and you were not planning to adopt, tell the case worker, NO.

You're concerns are valid.
Thanks for the advice.

No, the two have never met and Hailee doesn't know about her brother at all. We decided some time ago that when Hailee asked questions and we would answer them truthfully but not add any more information than was necesscary to answer the question. That has worked so far. She hasn't asked if she has any siblings aside from our other children. She actually has two and one more on the way. Just seems a bit confusing for an 8 year old, **** it...it's confusing for me.....
I think, then, that it is wise to say no. Don't let the social workers push you into something you do not want. Your daughter is doing well, you all are happy and weren't planning to add children. They can find another home for a 5 year old boy.
I have a similar story, My sis has adopted two children who are biological siblings. We wanted to adopt siblings to ensure a family was not fragmented any more than they already had been. At the very least, I would consider it "harm reduction". They belong together. So, I feel there is no harm in adopting the sibling tooo.
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