Older Child Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I am a special education teacher, hoping to adopt a special needs kid. Originally I fell for the internet photolisting of an autistic 11 year old boy, but was told he had already been matched. Then I set my sights on a medically fragile 2 year old girl, and mentioned as much to the agency with which I am just now getting my foot in the door. When I said I was interested in the 2 year old girl, I was informed that the 11 year old boy was available again. I wondered why this boy was back in foster care/ the adoption was disrupted. This thread does give me pause, I will acknowledge that. I know I need to go into older child adoption with my eyes wide open. I appreciate having Linny's "adopting an older child" checklist, and her thoughts about how any child you adopt you have to be OK with right NOW, because challenging behaviors may never change. Yes, work on the difficulties and love your children with all your heart, and hope that you can inspire some positive change. But some wounds are just too deep. That being said, I wonder if autistic children are any different? As they have a harder time with communication (and arguably, attachment) than your neurotypical kid, perhaps they adapt differently to being adopted as older children? Perhaps better? I would be interested to hear more from parents of older adopted kids. In my case, especially with regards to children with autism.

We have a 6 year old (adopted at 5) with an ASD diagnosis--he is on the more mild end of the spectrum, but complicated by cognitive delays. He had almost no verbal communication at the time of adoption (orphanage). His diagnosis makes it a little more difficult for us to tell how his attachment is progressing...I would say progress has been slower than a typical chid...is it ASD or attachment? Who knows. I would say that the lack of communication definitely made things more complicated. He didn't understand why he was suddenly with new people, why he couldn't understand what they were saying, couldn't tell us his preferences, etc. There were A LOT of tantrums at first. But, he wasn't and isn't "reactive" like a lot of children with attachment issues. He pretty much accepted that this was the way it was going to be from day 1, and is happy most of the time. He does not typically lash out at DH or I specifically. One of the best things about kiddo's adoption was that he finally had people who took the time to TRY to communicate with him--once he had that, he started communicating in return. I think that kiddo's situation is also complicated by the fact that he has some PTSD/anxiety symptoms. I work with students with more severe ASD diagnoses, and I do think that they would transition differently even than my son. In my opinion, they would have a much more difficult initial transition due to so many routine changes but would do better in the long run...but that's just speculation.

I would be cautious, I was 6 years old, when I was put in fostercare,The first was shelter and the second I stayed with from 7 years untill after 18. They wanted to adopt me, but other plans happen. Anyways the grand parents didn't work out, so they kept me. They loved me, but I never cared for them. Did I attach to them? No. I feel more like I was kidnapped and forced to stay there. Did family and friends know that I hated living there ? No. Was I a horrible kid? No. But other kids, that I lived with had behavioral problem and attachment issues. Even the over clingy kids are a problem. I do think they don't give enough info, when they put an older child up for adoption. Also many foster kids don't tell foster parents, social workers or even therapist everything.

I actually have found the opposite as far as information sharing going. For most of the kiddos, we received full psychological profiles, etc.

Thank you IllinoisRose for posting this and Linny for the checklist. I will definitely be armed with it when I inquire about older children. I am actually thinking of adopting teenagers. This post gives me pause as a single woman. I did not think I was going into naively, but I am rethinking that now.

Thank you IllinoisRose for posting this and Linny for the checklist. I will definitely be armed with it when I inquire about older children. I am actually thinking of adopting teenagers. This post gives me pause as a single woman. I did not think I was going into naively, but I am rethinking that now.

Thank you IllinoisRose for posting this and Linny for the checklist. I will definitely be armed with it when I inquire about older children. I am actually thinking of adopting teenagers. This post gives me pause as a single woman. I did not think I was going into naively, but I am rethinking that now.

Mine would have been fine, even though I never attached. Also a kid with sever attactment or rads issues would know how to act, like normal loving kids in front of a therapist. Even though they're bad to their foster parents. Yes, the workers will try to hide that. Also they also down play things.

Always talk to the foster parents, to see how they act.

Will do! And after reading this thread, if they refuse that request I am going to move on. Perhaps the refusal would be for a legitimate reason, but I will not assume that or take the risk walking in without the crucial information that I would gain from the foster parents.

Thank you for sharing this. As someone who has experienced that, do you have any tips or signs to look for to tell if our child/ren are feeling that way? Living with a family for over 11 years and not caring for them reminded me of the post on here about the lady who thought things were great and when her adopted daughter turned 18 she left the daughter never spoke to or saw her again. That story shocked me and made me wonder if there is a way to recognize that. Any insite would be appreciated! Thanks again for sharing your experience!

Thank you for sharing this. As someone who has experienced that, do you have any tips or signs to look for to tell if our child/ren are feeling that way? Living with a family for over 11 years and not caring for them reminded me of the post on here about the lady who thought things were great and when her adopted daughter turned 18 she left and the daughter never spoke to or saw her again. That story shocked me and made me wonder if there is a way to recognize that. Any insight would be appreciated! Thanks again for sharing your experience!

Thank you all for the great informative posts. In the beginning, I was going to do straight adoption of older children, but after reading these forums and seeing how state adoption works (you see them for a weekend or two and make a life-long choice) I have decided to go the foster-to-adopt route. I am also doing emergency foster care. I was originally strongly against fostering, but after learning more through classes and especially this forum, I feel more comfortable with it now.

I am almost an "expert" in older child adoption. As a professional working in psychiatry, and an experience foster parent AND adoptive parent of mainly older children..it is tough, and you need to be cautious. I was matched with an 8 yr old girl, adopted her at 9 years old. She will now be 12 soon, and is thriving. When I say thriving though there are difficulties. She was dx with RAD prior to me adopting her, and her caseworker was AMAZING and told me all of her information. This did include safety plans, line of sight supervision, etc. But now none of that is needed, and overall doing well. I would consider her an attached child, who has since no RAD dx. After that, caseworker called me to adopt a 2 yr old dx with RAD and his 11 month old brother who experienced NO trauma. The 2 yr old is following in the 11 yrs old RAD like behaviors- already stealing, etc. He is now 3. But, there is much hope for him and the behaviors to me ARE manageable. Therefore it ALL depends on what you can put up with. I have had other kids here who were a LOT more severe and some up for adoption, and as you can see on my signature many of them ended up in RTCs. Trying to hurt other kids, animals, breaking windshield of my car, running away, knives as weapons, etc.

Glad you found the right route to go down for you. I have three kids, and two were older child adoptions. Certainly life is challenging, and I wasn't told everything about them, although I was told a lot for adoption number two. On the other hand, I would do it all over again despite the worst times I've been through. I hope you find your children soonSheena - Do you have a family story on Adoption site? I came across it the other day, and now reading your sig and post it sounds like you. If it is, I thought it was a fantastic piece, and you sound amazing :)