Older Child Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

One thing I would like to point out. Most people in my town and my church and even my next door neighbor would point to my family and say "Look they adopted an older child and they are happy and he is doing fine". They do not know the whole story. I feel it would violate my child's privacy for people he sees every day to know the truth. The truth is he has been diagnosed with attachment disorder and other things. The truth is he is still not not attached to us after nearly six years. The truth would curl your hair. It's been the hardest thing I have ever done. I do love him, and I won't give up on him. (though his plan right now at age 12 is to leave the second he turns 18 and only come back on his birthday and at Christmas as long as he gets gifts) I have met people who adopted older kids and thought everything was great until they turned 18 and went off in search of their first families (yes, even abusive ones) I have met some whose older children are doing well, but I have met more whose older children struggle and may struggle for life with various things. I cannot count the number of people who were lied to by those involved in the adoptions or at least not given the full story. Finding help and counseling is harder than it seems. I am not saying don't do it, because some kids can and do attach and do well. I am saying listen to those who have gone before and go in with your eyes open. Allow for the possibility that many of these kids are damaged. Very few are in foster care because their parents who loved them died suddenly in a car accident (as seemed to be the case in every 80's sit com that featured a story about a wise beyond their years orphan) Most of these kids have been abused or neglected and many have not ever had a consistent caregiver. Research what this does to a child. Be aware and ready.