Older Child Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

I have started this post a couple of times, trying to figure out what to say. My girls were 10, 5, and 2 when they came home 6 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long. I have several friends who have adopted older children also, and we are in supportive relationships where we do talk about the good, the bad and the ugly so to speak. I won't pretend it is not the hardest thing we ever did. The girls totally changed our lives. Six months after they were home, I didn't even recognize myself. We learned about diagnosises, medications, medical specialists, and IEP's. We learned about therapeutic parenting, and read books. We've fixed broken windows, and replaced damaged door latches knobs have called friends begging for help when all furniture in the living room was literally upside down and I needed to get the other kids out of the house. It is a crazy life. The thing is, I do it again in a heart beat. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Our family, all 5 of us, love each other very much. All three girls are well on their way to being responsible, productive members of society. Maybe because of the craziness, maybe because our kids have seen that we will love them no matter what, the highs seem higher. I smile when they walk downstairs in the morning and see their faces. The biggest pieces of advice I have is pray, pray, pray. Second, do not try and do it alone. Dh and I really rely on each other to see when a situation is getting the best of one of us. I have strong network of friends who I can call for advice, many of who also have challenging children. I have friends who are willing to rescue us in a moment of crisis, and I have learned to ask for help. Sometimes that means just listening, sometimes that means taking the other two to spend the night while one child is having a crisis. Having that network of support people, people who really get it, has bee indespensible. If you don't have it, find it, because you will need it. One thing about our girls I always wondered about, and it led me to an interesting conclusion. My oldest daughter is super grounded. She is slow to trust, and learning to let herself be loved has been a challenge. However, she has none of the outlandish behaviors of the younger kids, and is a better behaved kid then most teenagers. I couldn't figure out how a kid with her background could do so well, when so many kids do not. I think the first thing is her faith, and prayer, things that were important to her before she ever came to us. The other thing though, was her bond with her siblings. She was the caregiver. She was very attached. I have come to the conclusion that one protective factor against attachment disorder is a bond with siblings. A child that has a true love, (not trauma bonds) with siblings CAN love another person. That would be something I would look for in the background of an older child. Any true loving relationship they have had in the past, is a clue that they can form an attachment.