Older Child Adoption: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Having had horrible experiences with older child adoption; and, knowing a lot of other people who've experienced less than wonderful experiences with older child adoption, I'd have to say this: The worst part of older child adoption is many, MANY agencies simply won't disclose vital information to the hopeful adoptive parents who are VERY green, VERY generous and VERY hopeful their child will be wonderful in all ways. That's no offense to you, but speaks to agencies who deliberately put 'placing a child anywhere is more important than finding the best home/place for a child'. And don't think this isn't the norm, because it is. In order to know HOW to parent older children, it would be wise to attend SEVERAL support groups for parents who've adopted older kids. I can't say enough to how these groups will give you full insight into the best and worst parts of older child adoption. Caseworkers will fail to tell the entire stories....parents who are literally living the life, will tell you straight up. And don't think parents who've had their older children for less than a year or two can give you a full scope of what it's like. Talk to those who've been doing this for at least 3-5yrs. They'll be able to tell you how it really is----with the rose-colored glasses removed, KWIM? Make sure you carefully consider EVERYTHING About any child/ren you're presented. Don't go into this emotionally. Don't think, "If we don't adopt him/her, who will?" Because the truth is, there are many older children for adoption who should never be in a traditional home or with unexperienced parents. I'll enclose a checklist I devised years ago and I've been told it's been very helpful to many. Additionally, realize that parenting an older child from the system is NOT---is NOT---ANYTHING like parenting a child from birth. Their issues are scarring; their fears are real; their acting out (in some scenarios) will harm other children in your home; their emotional issues can be extremely taxing and sometimes, they will never learn to change---nor, will they WANT to change because, in their mind, it's just too hard---no matter what. Realize that you'll be learning from them--daily. For some children, you'll need/have to repeat the same directions day after day forever. For others, you'll find incredible joy over simple things and you can rejoice with them. But understand, MANY of these children will never allow you to fully attach to them. Many of them will only allow you to attach to parts of their souls, but never give up the rest because they've just been hurt too much for too long. Another thing. This may seem offensive to some, but unless you've BTDT, you'd never understand how similar animals are to children. Animals who've been raised in abusive situations and/or situations where they were neglected react very similar to children who've been in abused and neglected situations. The difference is, animals can survive with basic skills---humans have a hard time doing this. It's the person who realizes the child has chosen to live this way for life and parent accordingly. SOOO many parents will literally knock themselves out thinking THEY can change the child---if they JUST Try Hard enough! Bottom line: You can't MAKE anyone do something they don't want to do. Doesn't matter how much you love them, how many sedatives you take in order to cope (and believe me, MANY parents of older adopted children take meds in order to face/cope with their child's behaviors); doesn't matter how much you try...the child's mindset/fears/disappointments and dreams have been altered. You can't change them. Realize this: The younger the child is when you bring them into your home, the better the chances the child will recover from their hurt condition. Something like 98% of all children who've been in the system have been sexually abused. That stat was given to us during our classes and I have no doubt it's probably pretty accurate. This is a hard and sad response to your question, but you asked to hear all sides. I know of very few parents who are having lovely relationships with their older children. There are a few who DO have great relationships/experiences with their older children, but they are few and far between. And, those relationships are truly wonderful and great....so I KNOW it's possible, but it's not the norm. Educate. Educate and Educate yourselves. Don't stop with the 'classes' the system provides. Keep in mind the system is DESPARATE for foster/adoptive parents and too often, the classes don't give the full truth. Don't be afraid to say 'this particular child will not work in our home'. Those aren't words from a fearful and inexperienced parent. Those are words from a knowledgeable and excellent parent who knows their limits and best attributes in parenting a specific child and is willing to wait FOR that certain child to be presented to them. IF...IF you'll go into this with eyes wide open. IF you'll understand exactly what you're up against and know going into this you'll have to roll up your sleeves and break your heart over and over again and maybe---just maybe----you'll be one of the few, you'll do alright. Lecture over. I hope my words will help. Best of luck to you.... Sincerely, Linny