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My sister surrendered her daughter in 1961. In 1971, she had a 2nd daughter, my niece. In 1993/94, my sister's first daughter contacted her and my sister refused contact.
In May 2012, I searched for and found my first niece, but I did not make contact. On Aug 24, 2012, unrelated to my search, my first niece found and contacted me. I have since met her and I have been in contact with her via email and phone. Following this contact, I sent a letter to my sister along with 3 books, Adoption Healing for Mothers, The Girls Who Went Away, and one of Lifton's books. She has not responded. I have recently seen her in person and she has not mentioned it to me.
My first niece would like to know her sister, my 2nd niece. My 2nd niece knows nothing about her sister, nor does my sister's husband know about this. My first niece showed me my sister's contact rejection letter from 1993/94.
My question, should I tell my 2nd niece about her sister, give her contact information, tell my 1st niece that her sister now knows about her, and then leave things up to them? Or should I do nothing and let my 1st niece make contact with my 2nd niece without any preliminary knowledge?
Jeanne in Chicago
Jeanne_Atkinson
My sister surrendered her daughter in 1961. In 1971, she had a 2nd daughter, my niece. In 1993/94, my sister's first daughter contacted her and my sister refused contact.
My first niece would like to know her sister, my 2nd niece. My 2nd niece knows nothing about her sister, nor does my sister's husband know about this. My first niece showed me my sister's contact rejection letter from 1993/94.
My question, should I tell my 2nd niece about her sister, give her contact information, tell my 1st niece that her sister now knows about her, and then leave things up to them? Or should I do nothing and let my 1st niece make contact with my 2nd niece without any preliminary knowledge?
Jeanne in Chicago
Go ahead. You may risk your relationship with your sister. Think carefully.
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Whose feelings matter most here? A 69 year old woman who has been hiding the truth for 51 years or 2 sisters (41 and 51)...one who has been denied her natural family (51 yo) and the other (40/41 yo) who has been denied the sibling whom she always wanted? Is it right to keep this a secret?
Jeanne in Chicago
Jeanne, although I know that your intentions are good, in my opinion I believe that the oldest sister should be the one to reach out to the younger sister, otherwise you're going to set a precedent for getting stuck in the middle.
The books you sent your sister are all awesome ones, btw. She's very blessed to have a sister who cares so much about her! :loveyou:
A lot depends on the age of the second sister. If she is an adult or not. Even if you are not the one to tell her, be prepared for her to call you for verification. A stranger calls and tells you they are a long lost sister might not be believable. If the younger sister is an adult, you might be able to help facilitate the meeting. Invite them to your house or something and that way the younger sister will be more likely to believe. It will be a shock. It will feel like a betrayal that everyone in her life has kept this secret. Be prepared for lots of conflicting emotions. If you are not a part of it, be prepared to be contacted by the younger sister asking if it's true or not. No one wants to believe that their mom has not been honest with them, so its gonna sting.
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I know it is your neices' feelings and rights you are concerned about; however, it is never a good idea to put yourself in the middle of someone else's relationship. Not only may your sister resent you, but your niece could very likely as well. Remember that by not telling her you are not denying her the right to know her birth sister, but simply allowing her birth sister to be the one to make the contact. If she is not ready to make that contact directly rather than through you, she may not be ready to do so. Taking on the role of making that connection could easily make things worse rather than better.
Could you let your sister know that her daughter has been in contact with you and intends on making contact with her other daughter and that you will support that. She can make her decisions as to what she wants to do as far as her relationship with both daughters.
As far as your nieces go - they are middle aged ladies and as such they can decide if they want a relationship. Your 2nd niece may or may not want to have contact/relationship but to know that you love her and will support her whatever she chooses will be important. The same goes for your sister. For her to know that you love her no matter what she chooses but that you choose to have a relationship with first daughter.
My Mom "found" one {of the many her birth Mom parented} of her birth sisters in their fifties and although she never ended up having a meaningful relationship with her birth Mom, she has a wonderful relationship with her sister. They are now in their mid 60's and the Mom has passed - they have each other and even though they both have very different and strong emotions about the Mom they have a strong bond between themselves.
SM