Nobody ever said families are consistent! The only thing you can do in your Mom's case is what you did. When a person has had a stroke, her brain has been damaged. It also sounds to me like your mom never came to terms with her own teen pregnancy and as so often happens took it out on you.
I can't imagine being presented with those comments day after day. What a thing to have to deal with. I don't understand how people can feel they have the right to bluntly blame a child for their bitterness. People are dealt a set of circumstances. How they choose to deal with them is what matters. The child has no input into whether they are brought into this world or not. I think the level of patience you have to keep your cool is remarkable. It seems very contradictory that your family encouraged adoption when you mother blamed you for her situation. I am sorry you had to go through all this.
I struggle with this one. I don't think it's just a matter of how the pregnant woman herself deals with the situation. She does not exist in a vacuum. How the people around her* handle the situation also has a huge impact on her, what responses she can make, and of course on the child. Although a whole lot of improvements have happened in 40-50 years, there is a lot of work still to be done along these lines. * This includes society in general. Social opinion of her situation as well as supportive programs available to her -- maternity leave, daycare, preschool programs, WIC... all of those things matter and affect both her and her children. Please don't get me wrong here. I am not saying it's OK for mothers to say and do the kinds of things RavenSong and kakuehl mentioned. I just think the situation is too complex to put all the responsibility on a woman for how she reacts to circumstances that are largely beyond her control. For a long time I have felt a kind of survivor's guilt for what I know my n-mother went through. One thing that helped a lot is when a friend of mine said, "It's not 'you', but the circumstances that she was in, that caused her pain. Things would have probably been very different for her if society or her circumstances had been different."
I don't understand how people can feel they have the right to bluntly blame a child for their bitterness. People are dealt a set of circumstances. How they choose to deal with them is what matters.
Agreed. I can't imagine that.
The child has no input into whether they are brought into this world or not. I think the level of patience you have to keep your cool is remarkable.
Sitta, I think both Raven and I would agree that none of this is the fault of the child who was placed for adoption. It doesn't matter who we are (mother/daughter, n mom, adoptee), there comes a point when we need to give up blaming everything on our past. I am not a victim; my past has helped make me who I am, but I do not need to let it control me.
I agree. While I understand that societal, familial, stereotypical pressures have an impact; I can't see being mean. It's like being abused doesn't give you permission to abuse people. If anything to me it's more despicable because you know how it feels. I have no sympathy whatsoever for people who flaunt their own abuse as an excuse for perpetuating the same thing on other people. It's like bullying. One person gets bullied and rather than seeking out another avenue they bully someone else to make themselves feel more powerful. Round and round we go. It's a choice. You either get help and end the cycle or as far as I am concerned you are choosing to keep the cycle going.
Abortion is legal and for the most part not hard to obtain in the US. Children are born because their mothers wanted to give them life. To say a child who is adopted should be grateful they were not aborted, is like saying that any of us should be grateful we are alive because no one chose to murder us. My mother did not want to be a mother, but she chose to give me life and give birth to me. Should I be grateful because she hated motherhood, yet gave birth to me and did not choose adoption? No. I am not grateful. Yes she gave birth to me and suffered all the pain of birth and raising me. I am not adopted but I had no choice. None of us did. We were born of no choice of our own. And that has nothing to do with adoption.
While all viewpoints are welcome, I would personally request you refrain from using rhetoric in an otherwise respectful dialog Murder by definition means the crime of unlawfully killing a person especially with malice aforethought [url=http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/murder]Murder - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary[/url] When someone becomes a person, from a legal perspective, is not clear, but it certainly is not before the fetus is viable. otherwise abortion would be illegal Secondly "malice of forethought" - no one gets an abortion because they have malice towards a fetus. I know i did not.
we are alive because no one chose to murder us. My mother did not want to be a mother, but she chose to give me life and give birth to me.
I second that. Thank you for your statement.
I look at it this way. People who bring children into this world are accountable for their welfare and in bringing forth life there is a responsibility that should be taken very seriously. People adopt children, foster them and provide care and custody when other people for whatever reason cannot parent those children. When someone decided to bring forth life the child doesn't have a choice in the matter. There are many...too many children who are brought forth into trauma, torture, abuse, neglect and starvation. Unwanted children grow up to be criminals in some cases. Some children are forgotten and live an existence with no one in their corner, with no help, no financial resources finding themselves dependent for the whole lives on the charity of others. That's criminal is you ask me. All the people who would deny a woman the choice to terminate a pregnancy need to put down their signs and look after all the unwanted children before they start droning on about how much they value life. When there are no more unwanted children sitting in poverty and long term residential care taken in by all these people who want jurisdiction over someone else's body; then we can have a discussion. Until that happens in my mind, until they put their money where their mouths are; they haven't got a leg to stand on.
I think Sunshiny was trying to point out the illogical position of surmising that we should be grateful by comparing it with a term of reference "fanatics" express. Both are illogical. I get her point and I also understand how the term "murder" that she used in her analogy could be taken another way. I don't think she meant to say it was that.
Thankfully, I'm not likely to hear anything like that at church. I'm Unitarian Universalist. :) But if I do ever have the opportunity to punch someone over that, I will let you know. :)
As many times as I have heard it, especially in the last couple of decades - you better get ready for the Grand Smack Down Mama! I suggest a punch in the nose, if you don't mind :) Especially if you're at church!
I also find this idea offensive. Shortly after I adopted DD, we were having a discussion about abortion and someone stated that I should support restricting abortion so there would be more babies to adopt. They couldn't understand how I could support a mother's right to choose what's best for her when I had benefited from a mother's choice. They don't understand the ramifications of each of the options a mother is choosing between, whether it's abortion, raising a child, or placing a child for adoption. Each has loss. Each is difficult. Each has challenges. It's not an easy, flippant choice. I resent people who act like DD's bmom made a quick easy choice with no residual effects. It denies her loss and DD's. Pisses me off to no end.To me it's such a personal choice, and each woman should have the right without judgement to make the choice that's best for her. Unfortunately, whichever choice she makes, she's going to be judged. I wish we could change that.