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murphymalone
I don't understand how people can feel they have the right to bluntly blame a child for their bitterness. People are dealt a set of circumstances. How they choose to deal with them is what matters.
The child has no input into whether they are brought into this world or not. I think the level of patience you have to keep your cool is remarkable.
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Sitta, I think both Raven and I would agree that none of this is the fault of the child who was placed for adoption. It doesn't matter who we are (mother/daughter, n mom, adoptee), there comes a point when we need to give up blaming everything on our past. I am not a victim; my past has helped make me who I am, but I do not need to let it control me.
I agree. While I understand that societal, familial, stereotypical pressures have an impact; I can't see being mean. It's like being abused doesn't give you permission to abuse people. If anything to me it's more despicable because you know how it feels. I have no sympathy whatsoever for people who flaunt their own abuse as an excuse for perpetuating the same thing on other people. It's like bullying. One person gets bullied and rather than seeking out another avenue they bully someone else to make themselves feel more powerful. Round and round we go. It's a choice. You either get help and end the cycle or as far as I am concerned you are choosing to keep the cycle going.
Abortion is legal and for the most part not hard to obtain in the US. Children are born because their mothers wanted to give them life. To say a child who is adopted should be grateful they were not aborted, is like saying that any of us should be grateful we are alive because no one chose to murder us. My mother did not want to be a mother, but she chose to give me life and give birth to me. Should I be grateful because she hated motherhood, yet gave birth to me and did not choose adoption? No. I am not grateful. Yes she gave birth to me and suffered all the pain of birth and raising me. I am not adopted but I had no choice. None of us did. We were born of no choice of our own. And that has nothing to do with adoption.
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Sunshiny
we are alive because no one chose to murder us. My mother did not want to be a mother, but she chose to give me life and give birth to me.
I look at it this way. People who bring children into this world are accountable for their welfare and in bringing forth life there is a responsibility that should be taken very seriously. People adopt children, foster them and provide care and custody when other people for whatever reason cannot parent those children. When someone decided to bring forth life the child doesn't have a choice in the matter. There are many...too many children who are brought forth into trauma, torture, abuse, neglect and starvation. Unwanted children grow up to be criminals in some cases. Some children are forgotten and live an existence with no one in their corner, with no help, no financial resources finding themselves dependent for the whole lives on the charity of others. That's criminal is you ask me. All the people who would deny a woman the choice to terminate a pregnancy need to put down their signs and look after all the unwanted children before they start droning on about how much they value life. When there are no more unwanted children sitting in poverty and long term residential care taken in by all these people who want jurisdiction over someone else's body; then we can have a discussion. Until that happens in my mind, until they put their money where their mouths are; they haven't got a leg to stand on.
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I think Sunshiny was trying to point out the illogical position of surmising that we should be grateful by comparing it with a term of reference "fanatics" express. Both are illogical. I get her point and I also understand how the term "murder" that she used in her analogy could be taken another way. I don't think she meant to say it was that.
BethVA62
As many times as I have heard it, especially in the last couple of decades - you better get ready for the Grand Smack Down Mama! I suggest a punch in the nose, if you don't mind :) Especially if you're at church!
I also find this idea offensive. Shortly after I adopted DD, we were having a discussion about abortion and someone stated that I should support restricting abortion so there would be more babies to adopt. They couldn't understand how I could support a mother's right to choose what's best for her when I had benefited from a mother's choice. They don't understand the ramifications of each of the options a mother is choosing between, whether it's abortion, raising a child, or placing a child for adoption. Each has loss. Each is difficult. Each has challenges. It's not an easy, flippant choice. I resent people who act like DD's bmom made a quick easy choice with no residual effects. It denies her loss and DD's. Pisses me off to no end.To me it's such a personal choice, and each woman should have the right without judgement to make the choice that's best for her. Unfortunately, whichever choice she makes, she's going to be judged. I wish we could change that.
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