We are extremely blessed parents of a wonderful little 15 month old aa son. We couldnt be happier and give thanks every single day. Our only concern is whether or not to try again in a few years. Our son is the only african american in our family....our family has all embraced our son and he experiences loads of love from all, but still......we wonder. We had to go (deeper) into debt for this adoption, and would have to wait until he is in school because we could not afford to have two children in daycare....I would be 46 then! I'm willing to be tired if it's the best for our son, but we wonder if thats unfair to the children. Also, if we just have our son, we can afford small vacations etc., but adopting again would mean living very tight, no trips etc. Again, we would be ok with that for ourselves, only want what is best for our son (and future child if thats the direction.) Any input would be GREATLY appreciated! Happy Holidays, kva
I noticed this topic is a couple weeks old, but that no one had responded.
First, you should only add a child to your family if you feel that your family is incomplete; that is, only adopt again if you want a child.
We did want two children. We had hoped to adopt again when DS was 3, but his adoption was more expensive than we had hoped, and then DH lost his job, and then we started the process when he was 4, but didn't actually match successfully until DS was almost 6. I was 35 when DD was born.
For DS, it was very important to him to have another "brown" child in the family. On my side, we have no color at all. DH has biracial cousins, but they live across the country. DS really wanted a baby sister who was brown like him.
My mom passed away in 2009. Even though I've never gotten along with my sister, I can't imagine going through all of that without her. I know DH often worries about his parents - he's an only child, and we live far away from them. If he had a sibling, s/he might be able to live closer. (Of course, my sister moved to FL leaving us here taking care of my mom and dad... but that's a whole other issue.)
We went very much into debt with this second adoption, in part because we had to add a room onto our house. DS doesn't always like being the older brother and having a baby around. It's very hard having kids so far apart in age, as they really can't play together, and they have very different needs.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but it is just one perspective.
I'll add my two cents in as well. As we near placement, this adoption hasn't been as expensive as we'd anticipated. We'll have savings left over, but not enough for another adoption soon. That's fine, I'd prefer not to have kids so close together and actually, waiting until this child starts school to begin adoption again would be great. However, I won't be working for at least three years after the baby is born and we plan to send him to a private school. Those two things combined mean another adoption may not be possible for us. Though this child we hope to adopt is not 100% Caucasian, he'll probably look like he is. If we didn't want our second child to be the only person of color in our family, we'd have to limit ourselves to Caucasian children and prepare ourselves for a longer wait. (Not saying that's the choice we'd make, but that has occurred to us.)
Long story short (too late), we're going to save and hope we can, knowing that we might not be able to adopt a second time. We're going to savor all the firsts in case they're the only time for us and hope a better job for my partner rolls around or an easy, (relatively) inexpensive situation like the one we have now falls in our lap. We're not going to refrain from doing anything for our first child hoping to save up for a second.
I personally don't have experience with this, but one of my very good friends and her DH decided that, after one adoption ,they were finished building their family for many of the reasons you listed in your post.
Their dd is 6 now, and they are all very happy. They are able to go on vacations, they are living comfortably, and their dd is not wishing for a sibling, although she does occasionally ask for another dog ;)
I've been thinking about a lot of the same things. I really want C to have a sibling - my brother and I aren't real close now, but we were growing up and as young adults, and I want C to be able to have that. I can't afford two daycare tuitions, and honestly, right now I don't think I could keep up with a second child (I'm a single parent and C is an extremely active 19-month-old). I don't know that I could afford another private adoption, either. I have thought about foster care, maybe when C is a little older, but I worry about the effects of that on C as well, both in terms of behavioral issues as well as if the child left.
I don't know that I have advice for you, since I'm struggling with the same things. I think it makes sense to want another child, and I don't think there is anything wrong with your son being the reason for that.
my situation is a little different, due to that we are foster/adopt. When it became very clear that our STAS is going to be adoptable (we knew that from the beginning, he was placed at birth), *I* was having the same thoughts as you.... him growing up alone, and being the only bi racial child in the family... we are also older parents.
well, GOD took care of that problem, lol when my son was 4 month old, CYS called us for a newborn baby girl, also bi racial. WOULD she have been blond/blue eyed I would have NOT said yes!
It's a LOT of work raising 2 toddlers at the same time.
BUT, I'm thinking long term, when they are older, they will have EACH OTHER. I'm thinking play grounds and beaches... they will never have to 'go look for somebody' to play with....
also, when they go to school, nobody will say: that's not your 'real' sister.. they look alike :)
but I must say, there are days where I wished we only would have ONE child! and that has nothing to do with money or whatnot, it's just right now a lot of work getting 2 ready all the time for walks/shopping etc.... once they are older, it'll get easier...
I struggled with this for YEARS after adopting DD (who is seven years old). We finally moved forward with foster adopt, and have been placed with a beautiful baby girl who is biracial like DD. It has been wonderful to see DD just so THRILLED to have a sister who is "black and white and brown" (that's how DD describes it!) like her. That said, I am now 44 years old and there is a reason I believe God starts menopause around that time! haha. I am exhausted. But I am praying that we will be able to adopt the baby.
Honestly, I have had a great experience (so far) with our state's foster/adopt program, but I don't think that is universal. Best!