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After 2 months with our beloved baby girl, whom we took home from the hospital 2 days after her birth, we are convinced that we will NOT accept an open adoption when we adopt our second child.
We initially declined to be involved with an open adoption but our Adoption Agency was very pro-open and we were too desperate to say no. The match was perfect for us - no drugs, alcohol, and a healthy birth mother.
However, it soon became clear that we bit off more than we can chew:
-Birth mom/grand mom repeatedly insisting that we accept their Facebook friend requests. We already gave them our personal cell phone numbers but they wanted Facebook.
-Birth mother who insists on referring to my daughter as "her daughter" and refers to her by the birth mother's given name for the little girl.
-Birth mother making constant posts on Facebook about "her daughter", posting pictures of her.
-Birth mother getting a tattoo of the little girl's name
-Birth grandparents repeatedly asking to video chat with our daughter
-Absolutely horrific hospital experience. Our (well-paid!) adoption agency was not present which lead to 4 very long days of Birth Mom/Grandparents extremely bizarre behavior and demands that we stay in the hospital before our daughter was even born.
Now none of these things would deter me from doing it all over again for my incredible daughter. But this is the easy part. Everything leads me to believe that these boundaries will continue to be crossed well into the age where my daughter will begin to understand what it is to be adopted. Everything that I have seen so far leads me to believe that these birth mom/grand parents want their cake and to eat it too. Based on the terrible decisions the birth grandparents are making for their daughter (birth mom), I have no reason to believe that good judgment will be made regarding my daughter and as such I am EXTREMELY concerned about future visits.
Since it is so early and I know birth mom is still healing, I am willing to let a lot pass right now. But if this hovering doesn't start to fade in a year or two, my wife and I will have to exercise the "what's best for our daughter" clause in our visitation contract and deny them access to her.
I am only writing this as a word of caution to those couples out there who are considering an open adoption.
Yes she does, She's only 2 years old. When she's older she may want to know more about her family. She may yearn for it, because it's normal. You can give a child all the love in the world. But birth mom is a powerful thing. They connect, because your daughter want to have a relationship with her mom. You treat the mom bad, that may not be forgivable.
don't even waste your time trying to talk any sense into "parents" such as this "man". The way adoptive parents get so possessive is pathetic. You don't see Biological Parent parents doing that, because then they are actually THEIR children. But APs? Some like this fool can't stand the fact that this baby is not only theirs that he is willing to traumatize his babys mother and in the long run his baby. Everyone that commented on here wrote wonderful advice about how an adoption is NOT just like having a natural birth. How do these couples that are so ready to have a baby do such awful research on what they will go through AND the birth family per different agreement.
To deny your kid their birth family because you think this is all about you and having "your family" is fcked up. It takes a real loving family, one that doesn't immaturely/dishonestly/rudely/ and cruelly accept terms to an open adoption, to understand that even if they realized it was easier for them to be closed-->THEY made a mistake and now they should be good people to the ones that gave them their child.
To the guy that wrote this post: when love is shared, it multiplies. My mom tells me everyday "you are me" even though we are nothing alike. Try to understand that when this person birthed her baby, her bones/flesh/veins/arteries, she became a mother. She gave her baby to you with trusting arms. Yes she gave her baby away, but she is still a mother. She is the mother of that child, and you made a terrible decision by telling her that she will be able to be in the childs life. Fucking kidnappers if you ask me. Honestly, blame it on your wifes infertility. Don't go coocoo crazy and get all papa bear and cut everyone off like a heartless low class fowl man. Children are not possessions. Even to Biological Parent-parents, they are never possessions.
I do not understand this pathetic need of people that can't conceive to be so protective when they get custody of someone's child. insecurity is a pretty lame reason given that were talking about unconditional love here.
She handed you her infant. You should respect her and let her know how her daughter is doing. Let her know her interests, because believe it or not, your little girl is going to be a lot like her mother. In many ways like you, and in undoubtable ways like her. That little girl you love so much, is a tiny version of her real mommy. A woman that thinks about her everyday, and if she has any pain at all, it is that the people raising her child have kicked her to the side. She is not a baby machine. She is her mother. The decisions you made were wrong, and the way you think she is disposable is wrong.
And let me make one thing very clear for you, since obviously not having any biological kids affects your thinking. Her mother will never forget about her, nor will she be permanently out of her life (unless she died). She didn't get her name tatted on her arm for no reason. The way you assume she "lost interest" is disgusting to me. Is that what your going to tell your "precious baby girl" when she finds out your not her birth parents? That her poor mother that just wants some updates on her life lost interest? She probably felt you were being very unwelcoming and got depressed and gave herself space.
What a cold, heart-less world we live in. And its only made possible by people like YOU, clay-whatever-no-loving-fakeparent-douche. Cant wait for the day her mom tells her how you guys pushed her out. Then we'll see who's baby won't be theirs anymore. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR DEAMONS
Last update on June 27, 2:26 am by jessica aldakar.
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So it has been years since I posted in this forum. My daughter is now 2 and half. She is bright, happy, and extremely social. She is a very kind and caring little lady and loves to show affection. My wife and I are blessed to have her in our lives.
There have been some really hateful things posted in this thread over the past few days, most of it from people who are probably dealing with their own problems and projecting them upon my daughter and her family.
The birth mother and grand parents have faded out of the picture. We continued to send pictures and emails but they stopped responding. It is clear they have moved on.
Our daughter has a big family, it will only continue to grow, and it is her decision whether or not to interact with a woman who gave birth to her. We already speak frankly to our daughter about adoption and even though she doesn't understand the concept, we feel the earlier to talk about it the better. That said, we will not use the word "mom" or "mother" to refer to the birth mom as she has not earned that right (when she has her own children). A mother is someone who cares and nurtures. Who wakes up at 4am to comfort a screaming baby who is afraid of a thunderstorm. Who sacrifices her own self interests for the benefit of her child. The birth mother did none of this and, based on what we've seen from her Facebook posts, continues to make terrible life decisions in a toxic environment. They are obese, slovenly, crude, shiftless, and destitute. There is absolutely no way that I will permit such influences for my daughter until she is well into her teens and capable of dealing with it.
To be clear: I've said what I needed to say. I understand why a birth mother would want an open adoption. All I am saying is that I would not do it again as dealing with erratic people complicate an already difficult process. Birth mothers have to understand that they are not mothers and have to earn the right to be called that. It might not be today, but maybe in a few years when they have a child they are ready to raise. But getting pregnant and giving birth does not earn them the title of mothers - it is so, so much more than that.
I am done responding and subscribing to this thread so more hateful diatribe from a certain mentally unstable person will not be received.
Last update on June 27, 6:42 am by bclay1974.
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I hope you hang out long enough to hear what I have to say.
In adoption, open vs. closed, reuninting, etc. there are no clear cut answers; there are no answers that apply to all. Now, I'm new to this thread as I've been gone for a while; so I'm not aware of hateful comments you state were spit out against you or your daughter.
But I have one question for you:
How DARE you!
My Momma gave me up to protect me and give me the chance to escape a sexually immoral, violent and hurtful environment. When she felt her options had all been exhausted, she put her love for her child first; and surrendered me to the system.
The consequence of that action was that she was separated from me for 11 years.
That's miles past "comforting a child at 4 am". My birth mother was kind, brave, and selfless; the most selfless and giving person I've ever had the honor in my life to know. She, like everyone else on the face of this earth, did the very best she knew how to do with the tools at her disposal. She was faced with a decision that no mother should ever have to make: Do I keep my children; or do I put them first? She has EARNED her RIGHT to be called MOMMA.
In your ranting, you have insinuated otherwise. That, for me, is intolerable.
Any parent who would make the excruciating choice to give up their child, placing that child's needs above their own, has irrevocably earned the right to be called "Mom". I'm not involved in your situation; but if this mother decided that she could not care for that child and surrendered that child to give her a home and a life ... without her ... then she has clearly demonstrated that the needs of her child are above her own needs. Such a woman need not be condemned by you, or anyone else, as not being a "mother" because they're not there to "comfort her at 4 am".
Your job is to raise and care for this little girl; not judge her biological family. Even if they are as bad as you say, you do not have the right.
As far as "grandparents moving on"; maybe you're right. Or maybe it just hurts so damned bad that they distance themselves for their own emotional well being. In other words, you have demonstrated no knowledge about why they are making the decision they are making; and if you lack this information, how can you be a fair or impartial judge?
To permit an open adoption into your life was courageous and I commend you. But to judge, condemn, insult and waste your time worrying about what they are doing and lamenting that they are not living up to YOUR expectations ... is not. You are not, were not supposed to be their savior or guiding light; nor their judge, jury or executioner.
You have a daughter to raise. I suggest you focus on that awesome responsibility and let the world or whatever God you may believe in deal with this little girl's first family.
Last update on June 27, 11:11 am by WhereIsJennifer.
Now that I have that off my chest and I'm a little calmer:
What I see coming from you is jealousy.
What I'm hearing from you about them just doesn't sound that bad. It's not like they are undermining you, demanding unreasonable expectations be met (like year log visitation), whispering that you're a "bad father" to the ears of your shared daughter; etc.
And yes I use that phrase intentionally: "Shared Daughter". That does not mean that you are not in control of the situation. It means that when you chose to adopt, either open or closed, you chose to take a child into your life who would call your wife and a stranger "Mom"; and would call you "Dad" and refer to a complete stranger by the same name. And it's got to be tough.
What I feel coming from you are feelings of jealousy and feelings of being threatened by the existence of the biological family. These are to be expected. These must be very tough. I can't imagine how hard it must be to cope with those emotions.
You must overcome them. If you do not, it risks irreparably damaging your relationship with your child. If you do not, you risk harming another human being, whom your daughter does and will most likely care about; and doing so simply because you are jealous and afraid of loss.
Good luck.
Last update on June 27, 11:10 am by WhereIsJennifer.
Now that I have that off my chest and I'm a little calmer:
What I see coming from you is jealousy.
What I'm hearing from you about them just doesn't sound that bad. It's not like they are undermining you, demanding unreasonable expectations be met (like year log visitation), whispering that you're a "bad father" to the ears of your shared daughter; etc.
And yes I use that phrase intentionally: "Shared Daughter". That does not mean that you are not in control of the situation. It means that when you chose to adopt, either open or closed, you chose to take a child into your life who would call your wife and a stranger "Mom"; and would call you "Dad" and refer to a complete stranger by the same name. And it's got to be tough.
What I feel coming from you are feelings of jealousy and feelings of being threatened by the existence of the biological family. These are to be expected. These must be very tough. I can't imagine how hard it must be to cope with those emotions.
You must overcome them. If you do not, it risks irreparably damaging your relationship with your child. If you do not, you risk harming another human being, whom your daughter does and will most likely care about; and doing so simply because you are jealous and afraid of loss.
Good luck.
Look clay, why be so harsh and uptight about "words?" Let me ask you something since it seems you just want to be technical. You are implying that the title of mother and father is earned when they are physically caring raising their child yes? So how come when a family gives birth, they are called mom and dad since the beginning of the pregnancy? Don't you have to earn that?
Two Biological Parent parents can still be awful parents, but they still get called parents bc they are. The reason why this is annoying is because you don't understand he this is rude to your daughter. My mom was young and shit poor when she had me. I can gaurantee if she gave me up she would have loved me every day of her life bc I know that woman.
Clay, I haven't seen my dad my whole life, but I call him dad bc he is my dad. when two people have a biological child, they are forever parents of that child. Not legal gaurdians or the ones raising him/her no, but they have a child out there. THEIR child that they gave to you to raise with trusting hearts that YOU know how much they will continue to love that child.
And you don't even have the fatherly courage to at least understand what the definition of a mother is. Which proves as the girl above me just said, you are intimidated by this family existing because you have a precious thing that will never be entirely yours, even if she never speaks to her birth family. You want the only title, we'll you shoulda fouND a sarrogate buddy! Can't break parental bonds and shit.
Did you tell her all about how she is not a mother before she handed you her infant? Im sure not. I would never hand my child to anyone who wouldn't consider me a mom.
This woman gave her child to you selflessly. That is a life long decision of parenting right there. Your daughter might just have one set of parents now, but her Biological Parent mom will be her mother forever.
She is a mother, in her heart and soul, regardless if you like it or not. And i promise if you actually research a bit, adoptive parents don't say rude things like that because they get that they're still a mother. That's the point of open adoption. It's a mother's need to see her kid is okay. Your daughter is not going to be okay with you saying her biomom is not a mom, when she grows and understands motherhood.
Nope.
Last update on June 27, 12:00 pm by jessica aldakar.
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This original post is 3 years old but I'll post what I'd say if I was writing today.
Hi,
We're in an open adoption as well; our son is 15 months old.
We were looking for an open adoption because a) research shows it's better for everyone involved in the long run and b)I fully believe that there is no competition between me and my son's biological mother. I think that's a big thing to remember - why is it so ghastly that a woman who birthed a baby would want to know how she's doing? What's wrong with her being your FB friend? She gave you a baby but she can't see what you're up to on the weekends?
I'd say take a step back and consider what your fears are. Most adoptive moms who are vehemently opposed to open adoption seem to be acting out of specific fears/anxieties: will birthmom judge my parenting if she sees it on social media? Will my child want to be with her biological mom if she knows her? Am I intimidated that she could get pregnant and I couldn't (if that's the case)? Do I feel threatened by their unique biological relationship which I won't be able to have?
I expect my son's (tattooed) birthmother will likely get a tattoo related to my son as she has for her other children. She does not view my son as hers, but she's my FB friend, tags me in photos of Bennett's bio sister where they look alike, etc. She is very much at peace with her decision as best as she can be, but our open relationship has helped her to move on. Frankly, now, at 15 months I rarely hear from her except for things that have nothing to do with my bio son; she considers me a friend. In fact, when her daughter turned 2 in July, I hauled my then-11-month-old baby boy on a plane with me to Louisiana and we went to the birthday party because she wanted us there and I was able to attend. It was amazing watching my son play with his toddler sister.
I think of it this way: how lucky is my baby boy to be loved by so many people? My family, my husband's family, and birthmom's family (bio dad isn't in the picture.)
Because we were so openly honest and concerned about her well being and rights before my son was born, we were asked to be in the room for his birth. I was the first person to hold my son and she offered me thirty minutes of skin-to-skin contact while she recovered in the surgical room, and for him to stay with us in a room in the hospital while we waited for discharge. There's a give and take in open adoption and the more you give, the more she will give. The more you rebel against their natural relationship, the more resentment you may create in the long run.
If you let go just a little, you might find that she lets go a little herself in the long run.
bclay1974
I get where you're coming from. Thanks for the advice. After seeing the response that you got, I realize that an open adoption with no or limited boundaries poses a significant challenge. It seems that it would be important to really set and specify how "open" the adoption would be. I think most that do adopt have huge hearts. It's probably not an easy thing to do without having a lot of love to share.
Last update on January 14, 2:43 pm by allie kim.
Its Sad because we have and are still going through the same thing you did. Yes there are haters and usally the people that dont understand and are not in your shoes. For Us your story is pretty much ours, but we are going on 4 years with legal battles over this. Yes people can say we are mean, but we are looking our for our children. What I love is when people tell me you dont really understand adoption - I do I was adopted and would never have wished to have had an open or semi open adoption in my life. If was confusing enough at 19, imagine 4 or 6 that is nuts. Closed adoptions worked until adoption agencies in the 1990 wanted to try and experiment to see how open adoptions would work, this opened up more avenues and more money for these agencies and pushed people into these open adoptions. remember its what is best for this adoptive child.
Whoa.
I really hope I don't meet adoptive parents like you on my journey. What a bunch of stuck up, condescending human beings. I pity your daughter.
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Whoa.
I really hope I don't meet adoptive parents like you on my journey. What a bunch of stuck up, condescending human beings. I pity your daughter.
Unfortunately people like this do exist. But try not to let these types of losers scare you. Most parents that agree to open adoption are very understanding, accommodating, and simply want the best for their child.
I did open adoption over two decades ago when it was still a new concept. I was blessed to find wonderful parents for my child. And yes, the child will always be mine. I grew the baby for 9 months and we're genetically bonded. Not to mention I chose the difficult route of adoption out of pure love and selflessness.
I'm grateful for contact the parents gave me over the years because it helped me have closure and move on. In fact, I've probably given too little contact for the parent's preferences. Nonetheless, my child has had a fulfilling life with their family and has no questions or resentment thanks to the contact we've kept over the years.
Setting proper boundaries are one thing, but the amount of resentment and callousness in OP's posts are disgusting. They are not acting in the child's best interests by having that attitude. And to think the child is 5 now and likely being influenced by OP's hatred for the bio mom & her family. Yikes, poor kid.
That's going to be a train wreck when that child is older. Not even from a lack of contact with the bio family but because of OP's hateful attitude which will be passed on to the child. If people don't want open adoption, don't be selfish or greedy and go along with it just to collect a babies like they're Pokemon.
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We are looking to adopt as well. Our social worker insisted that we consider open adoption. My reply was very short and to the point-over my dead body. I'm a very plain spoken guy that doesn't pull any punches when it comes to my family and doing everything I can to protect them. I have a client who grew up in foster care and he was the first to warn me against the notion of an open adoption. He confirmed my suspicion that it's nothing but trouble as the child goes home, gets torn between his birth mother, then gets forced to go back to his adoptive parents. Often, the birth parents insist on interfering with the adoptive parent's efforts to correct the child or how the child is being raised, which opens up a whole new can of worms. I finally heard enough that I felt comfortable telling the social worker that if the birth parents aren't so bad that I would have to endure them interfering with my family life, then they should send the child back to live with his parents. I'm hearing more and more stories of open adoptions gone wrong. Just the day before yesterday, a birth mother stole her infant son from foster care. Once the home is too bad of a place for the child, that should be it. If the parents are working on bettering themselves, then the child shouldn't be adopted. He should return home once his parents get their act together. It creates too much drama and does more damage to the kid to tear them back and forth constantly.
Whoa.
I really hope I don't meet adoptive parents like you on my journey. What a bunch of stuck up, condescending human beings. I pity your daughter.
Then you go out at three in the morning because mama convinces the kid to run away and come live with her in the motel down by the bus station. You explain to the police why the kid isn't at home where it's should have been all evening. You put up with mama telling the kid that he doesn't have to do this or that because she's his mama and she said so. Then, you deal with the hateful teenager that comes home after going to visit mama down at the motel by the bus station and tears everything off of the wall because "you aren't my mother/father!" If mama is so great, why doesn't she still have her kids? Why should someone who's trying to provide a stable loving home have to deal with all that drama just to pacify someone who can't keep her feet on the floor or stay out of jail? If that's nasty, good. It was meant to be nasty because often these are nasty people who will do everything in their power to make you not want the child and send it back to them. It's bad practice for the everyone in the equation.
Jim,
You might consider the fact that maybe not all birth parents are bad. I was just too young to have a baby, so I placed her for adoption. It's been very open and we've had no problems. I respect her parents as her parents, and I'm just there to love her and answer any questions my birth daughter might have. We all just had a birthday party for her together and it was wonderful.
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Then you go out at three in the morning because mama convinces the kid to run away and come live with her in the motel down by the bus station. You explain to the police why the kid isn't at home where it's should have been all evening. You put up with mama telling the kid that he doesn't have to do this or that because she's his mama and she said so. Then, you deal with the hateful teenager that comes home after going to visit mama down at the motel by the bus station and tears everything off of the wall because "you aren't my mother/father!" If mama is so great, why doesn't she still have her kids? Why should someone who's trying to provide a stable loving home have to deal with all that drama just to pacify someone who can't keep her feet on the floor or stay out of jail? If that's nasty, good. It was meant to be nasty because often these are nasty people who will do everything in their power to make you not want the child and send it back to them. It's bad practice for the everyone in the equation.
Are you adopting from foster care? In foster care adoptions sometimes one may need to protect more from risks than what a private adoption might require, especially if a child has had difficulty forming attachments due to being moved allot. However, it is important to see both your child and the bio family members as human beings first and foremost. It is natural for a child to want to know where they came from, why they were adopted and whether or not they have other siblings who share their biological make up, their DNA. Openly degrading one’s family of origin is psychologically harmful to children and teens as they are unable to reconcile a parent who says they love them and care about them telling them they came from someone who was no good, worthless, “nasty”. It makes one feel like you are saying that they are descended from refuse...NO! Each child is descended from human beings, yes imperfect human beings with their own challenges and issues, but they are still human beings, and should you be blessed enough to find a good match for you, it will be because that human being though imperfect gave the child the gift of life, which is a gift that any adoptive parent should be grateful for because without that life your arms might just remain empty.
I have 3 boys I am adopting from Foster care but I have had the children from birth. We are doing an open adoption. I will be honest, I do not like the birth mom because she has caused a lot of problems these last 3 years. The children are afraid of her more so because they don't really know her(she skipped visits often). That being said, I understand her frustrations and why she has made the terrible choice she has made. Everyone around me has said I should wait it out for a TPR with a closed adoption. Sure that would benefit ME but do I have the right to do that to these kids. It isn't about me, it's about making sure my children have everything they need and having their birth parent is important to their identity. They are entitled to that and I will not take that from them. I have set forth boundaries with the birth mother and she respects them. I also have a great respect for her because giving her rights up and allowing us to adopt them was the most selfless act she has ever committed. She has given us the greatest most precious gift in our lives and we will not reward that by stabbing her in the back. I think the key to having an open adoption that works is setting boundaries that both birth parents and adoptive parents can live with. In the end the kids win because they know and live the truth and why shouldn't they have the love of all involved!?
Are you adopting from foster care? In foster care adoptions sometimes one may need to protect more from risks than what a private adoption might require, especially if a child has had difficulty forming attachments due to being moved allot. However, it is important to see both your child and the bio family members as human beings first and foremost. It is natural for a child to want to know where they came from, why they were adopted and whether or not they have other siblings who share their biological make up, their DNA. Openly degrading one’s family of origin is psychologically harmful to children and teens as they are unable to reconcile a parent who says they love them and care about them telling them they came from someone who was no good, worthless, “nasty”. It makes one feel like you are saying that they are descended from refuse...NO! Each child is descended from human beings, yes imperfect human beings with their own challenges and issues, but they are still human beings, and should you be blessed enough to find a good match for you, it will be because that human being though imperfect gave the child the gift of life, which is a gift that any adoptive parent should be grateful for because without that life your arms might just remain empty.