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Thank you for the replies. I did write down all the options and how I might feel if I didn't go etc and it really helped. I also thought how I would handle it if she wanted further contact. I spoke to my brother who totally understood, and he went with his wife for support. It all sounded a very sad visit.
In the end I decided to write and send a letter with some photos of me, my husband and my children. I ended the letter by saying I appreciates how hard it's been but she must take comfort that the outcome have produced such wonderful children (her grandchildren) who bring so much joy to so many.
Life has been so tough on this lady I can not begin to tell you how she was treated for post natal depression in the 70's!