Shall I let my son be adopted?

I think a childs basic need in life is to know he is loved and accepted by those closest to him. I don't think years from now that he will care wether he got the best services. He will care that his family loves him and was always there for him and will always be there for him. He will have struggles, every family has struggles but with time and patience you can help him be the best he can be. I think in moving him you may be doing more harm to him as well as your wife, damage that can't be undone.

I have so many questions, but mainly I will say that at his age the likelihood that a "good family" would adopt him is about zero. You are the good family. I don't think you really understand adoption and how the system works and as many of us say, adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation, and we say that not in a good way. With adoption comes great loss. Loss of family being the first. It's traumatic and those of us who have adopted a child(not a baby), many of us consider our children to be children of trauma. There isn't an easy way to put that. I have adopted twice through the foster care system, and my children came into care because the parents either abused them or neglected them. No matter why they came to be adopted, they lost their family. I can never make up for that. My children are wonder,funny,creative, loving and all the things you would want a child to be and yet, they have had extreme loss. I even have an open adoption with one of the birth families, but none of that can replace the thing that is missing, that was taken from them and that is their biological family. Being poor does not mean your child can not get the services available to you. You have to get out there and find them. I live in a semi-rural area and a town of 8000 people and we have a great special education department within our school system here. My own nephew went to school here and he is very high functioning Aspergers. He graduated from high school, magna cum laude. He's in college now and all because my sister kept working on getting his diagnosis so he could get the help he needed. She read everything she could and worked with him constantly at home too. He was about 4 when he was diagnosed. You should be able to find out what resources are available through the local school district. Even if he is not in school yet, they will be able to point you to the right offices for services and most of those services are free for school aged children. If he is starting kindergarten next year(at age 5), then they will want to do an assessment to find out what he needs and give him what is called an IEP(Individualized Service Plan), which all special education kids have.

You may be able to request an educational surrogate to help you with the education system and service plan.

As others said, your child probably qualifies for free services. Please contact your school system, and seek an interpreter if necessary to better understand the options. Adoption will not solve your child's problems but will create new ones for him.

My major concern is that when my visa status is expired and my kid has to go back to the homecountry without all the support in the US. What will it be like? Of course, I do not abuse my kid and I want him to get the help he need and not to suffer in the third world country. Do not know in this situation if he will be allowed to be adopted and how to file that.

A lot of very successful people in the world have some form of high-functioning autism...usually Asperger's Syndrome. The diagnosis does not mean that it's the end of the world or that you need to give your son away to other people to raise. You say that he doesn't have any major behavioral issues...and that he's very attached to his mom. I imagine your wife is going to hit the roof when she discovers that you're considering placing her son for adoption. You can't do it without her full cooperation and consent. By the way, your knowledge of written English is very, very good for being a foreigner... What third-world country do you come from? And how much longer do you have left on your Visa before you have to return to your home country?

You mention that your son was recently diagnosed. Getting a diagnosis like autism is a big thing to process for us parents. It can take quite a bit to get our minds and hearts around it. Give yourself a bit of time to contemplate and see what your sons particular needs are. "High functioning autism" covers a lot of ground. Ten years ago - or maybe even five years ago - he may not have even been given that diagnosis as the perimeters for diagnosing autism spectrum disorders has been expanded over the last few years. His particular and individual needs may be something that you, his family, can meet for him. He might need some help in learning how to respond appropriately in social situations or something as relatively simple as that. There are good books to help parents figure out better parenting techniques for their children who learn in different ways, like children with autism often do. There are classes you can take, even before your visa expires. There are resources available so be sure to research what is available for you, as the parents, before you make any decisions.

I have a 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in January. My family has come to the conclusion that we can no longer take care of her. Consulting her doctors and my doctors we have made the decision that we would like her to be adopted by a family ready to deal with a child with autism. There are a lot more details to this story. We need a family or healthcare facility willing to take her in legally. It would be better for her because she needs help we can't give her. Does anyone have any information they can pass on to me about how to do this? I need help now!!

Maybe you can get her insitutionalized?

I would like her to be put into a long term care facility and that is what I am looking for

Whoa, that is TOTALLY untrue. There are people out there (like me) that enjoy kids with autism and do prefer to adopt kids with autism. I know that was just a casual comment, but frankly that kind of thinking keeps kids like my son from being removed by DSS when things are bad. After all, nobody wants "those kids". But to the OP, I guess it depends. If you really can't handle your child's disability, and the community supports aren't enough to enable you to do so, maybe. My thinking is that you won't have asked in a public forum if you hadn't already given it thought. And, frankly, I also wonder if there aren't more personal reasons for considering that option. Just recently my son's school mate was killed by her parents-seemingly nice, normal run of the mill folks that attended school events and community supports. Our community has a very high level of support, but that support wasn't enough (frankly, I often think too much support to the point a parent doesn't even have to see their child during the day). I really wish one of the parents had considered the "unthinkable" and placed that child for adoption. She was a sweet, adorable child. If you really can't handle your child, then I would explore all options. I don't really get the institutionlize, though. How is it better to live in an institution than than the warmth and love of a family?

I was thinking the same thing. We chose to adopt my son because of his autism diagnosis; we both work with kids on the spectrum and weren't afraid, so it just made sense.

Actually registered here because I have a biological child on the more mild end of the spectrum and secondary infertility and am now looking at special needs adoption. We would love another child on the spectrum My son is 3 and while he struggles and does need a lot of help, he is so smart and funny and I know he would struggle so much more if he didn't have a family who adored him. I winced reading the OP's statement that his son is very attached to his wife yet he is still thinking it might be better to give him away. No it wouldn't. My son is also a mama's boy and very attached to me. He tells me constantly that he loves me because he hears me saying it to him all the time. One of my friends is an adult with aspergers and she told me the best thing I could do for my child would be to love him unconditionally and give him a safe place at home where he can be himself without having to worry. Our public school district has been our best resource since he turned 3. He speaks well but there is some concern about his pragmatic language and he really lacks socialization skills and isn't interested in other children so they have him in a preschool classroom. They also given him physical therapy for gross motor delays. He has an IEP. We do not pay anything for these services through his school. Our school district has been amazing. We also are able to purchase low cost health insurance for him through our state children's health insurance program. Unlike the insurance my employer offers, it covers any therapy or appointments he needs and we just pay a monthly premium. Currently he just sees a private OT since school does not provide it and he has sensory processing issues. We are not a wealthy family either and your son sounds similar to ours other than our son is struggling with toilet training. He has occasional meltdowns and struggles with understanding limits and following directions but he is overall very sweet and loving. He's a bright little boy with no cognitive delays but he has a severe adaptive skill delay along with his social/emotional delays. I would beat my husband as well if he even thought of giving our son away.:(