well, here i sit, mom of 5 kids, 4 with special needs. and at three, yes THREE, two had IEPs. one for autism and one for FAS. my fas baby is 3, she goes to a private christian school and has NOT been kicked out. She qualifies for special education, they come to the church and serve her needs, work with her private school teachers on how to meet her needs, and everyone loves her! at the tender age of THREE schools are indeed required to start special education for a child that meets qualifications. A good quality private preschool certainly WILL work with special needs children! ours has several downs kids, autistic kids, etc.
I'm not sure why you are angry. I am simply saying there is no law (in my state at least) that dictates what privates daycares need to do. They do not need to follow or even care about IEPs. If they choose to, that's awesome. But it sounds the the OP's daycare is not jumping right up to get this kiddo on an IEP. In my state she would qualify for special Ed, with the placement location being our public elementary school. Our district would NOT go to a private preschool to meet her needs as that's not the law. If parents choose not to bring their kids to the elementary school, we do not need to carry out their IEP. Again, not sure why you are so angry. I didn't say the public education system SHOULDN'T help just that in my state they wouldn't and the daycare wouldn't have to either.