No one loves me
Hello to all,

There is a long time I didn't post here... Well not feeling super good.

Let me explain, last morning, my adoptive dad came into my room, and said "Sophie, you are no longer a member of this family, you're a guest" I was in total shock, the night before I had gone out with a couple of friends and came home very late, but I rarely do that, i''m in a French law school and living with my dad and mom can be tough, especially because my dad is elderly( 80yo). The Thing is I already know I'm not the best daughter they could have hoped for, and I know I was abandoned, but hearing that puts everything in perspective for me. I wonder why me? Why can't anyone love me? It's just so hard ...

Needed to vent, have a food evening.

Sophie
Sophie I am so sorry your dad did that to you. It wasn't right. Not to defend him, but he is 80 years old and he might not understand how adopted people have issues with abandonment. I remember a very similiar situation with my father. I am not adopted, but I remember how crushed I was when I came home late one night and he opened, and then shut the door in my face. I too thought, how could someone who loves me treat me this way.

Have you met your birthfamily? Do you know the circumstances of your adoption? Many times a birthmother does not know she is abandoning her child. She believes she is giving her child a better life that she could not give her. I am not saying that is the case, and even if your birth mother's motives were pure they still may not change the feeling that you were abandoned.

In any case I hope you feel loved. All daughters are perfect. Mine is absolutely perfect in every way- and she gets me angry some times. lol Your dad may have forgotten what it is like to be young but that does not make you imperfect. It just makes you a young person who is enjoying life. He may be trying to guilt you in to coming home early because he worries about you. Perhaps you can talk to him and tell him how it felt when he told you what he did.
I don't care how old he is; comments like that are unacceptable.

That is one of the most despicable things anyone could say to someone they chose to adopt.

People like that should not have access to children. Power and control issues like that should be identified and people who have issues like that should not be allowed to adopt children.

He sounds like an arrogant old man.
Well actually here in France, we have a center that looks our for your birth parents, I did the process, and found out 2 years ago my biological parents were dead... I was adopted in Russia, at 7 months old, I had and still have a lot of health issues because I was a preemie and my mom drank while pregnant ...

My dad comes for
A very strict Protestant Lutheran family, my grand parents on his side flew from Germany during the war, and my dad had a very strict education, where savoir vivre is the key, and I totally understand, having manners is very important, but being this cold towards me because his parents were to him is unfair?.
I agree with what MurphyMalone said above. Comments like that are not acceptable. Period. I'm very sorry that you had to be subjected to that. No one deserves that type of treatment, whatever the circumstances.

I guess I'm getting to the point in age where I'll be described as cantankerous myself, because there are fewer and fewer things that seem to make me stop and re-read. Your OP did. Just...wow...

Best,
PADJ
I'm sorry to hear about your parents. It sounds like you are trying to understand his perspective but it's very hard to hear something like that I am sure.

Take care of yourself and hopefully he will come to understand how cruel that kind of statement is.
Hi Sophie,
Sorry that you had to hear that. Comments like that are gratuitously cruel and unnecessary.
I have mentioned it a couple of times previously but do try and do a constellations workshop - there are lots in London and in Germany (where Hellinger was from) and they really help unlike anything else does. Happy to send you more information if you'd like it.
Good luck!
Not taking up for him but some people get mean as they age. My mother did before she passed and I found out someone we lived near is the same. It's not you, it's the person.
Sophie,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you posted this a few weeks ago. I hope you're feeling some better.

It took me a long time to understand that not everyone is able to love another person. Some people have their own issues, they can't even truly love themselves. This makes it impossible for them to properly show love to another. It's NOT a reflection on you.

My mom didn't want to be a mom for a while when I was little and I bounced from family member to family member. Then she met a man and they came and got me. She's been in my life ever since. That man adopted me so that she wouldn't leave him. He was an alcoholic, on drugs, emotionally and physically abusive. When my mom finally left him, he dropped out of my life. He didn't want anything to do with me. He certainly didn't consider himself my dad anymore.

His actions though aren't because I'm unlovable. They are because of problems he has that have nothing to do with me. My mom didn't leave me as a child because I'm a horrible person. She left me because of problems she has that again have nothing to do with me.

It took me years to find peace with this idea. I still sometimes have to stop that tape that starts playing in my head saying hurtful things like I'm not loveable. Those thoughts are the ghosts of someone else's problem and I don't have to listen to them.

Know that it's not you and you are not along. Take back your power and your identity. You are not his shortcomings. Take care of yourself. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to talk more.
Thank you all for your replies, I got to talk to my dad and asked him why he said that, he said that being old he lost all patience, and often he says things quickly and realizes only after he hurt people. I really think it's sad for him but he apologized so I guess he was being honest with me Smile
Everybody has a purpose. God loves You. Hold Your head up
It's good to hear that he had the presence of mind to acknowledge his mistake. Hopefully he will think before he lashes out again.
[FONT="Tahoma"]Something I've learned along the way is that while we sometimes blame ourselves for the way other people treat us, it's most likely (and in your case, I believe one-hundred percent) not our issue, but an issue on the behalf of the other person.
I'm sorry he's done this. Please know that while this may be the end of his road (with you) it certainly doesn't have to be - nor should it be - the end of yours.
Something I've concluded from situations that I've had with my birth mother and adoptive parents is that I can't change how they feel or act, but I'll put all the cognitive effort I can muster into making sure that my kids don't have to know what some of my experiences feel like.
In the meantime, do your best to take care of yourself. If that means removing yourself from the situation (and you have the means), don't hesitate.
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