Birthdays not a big deal?

Each year has been a bit different for me. I've realized tho, after making a huge deal out of my last birthday myself, that I like that sometimes. I had no expectations from anyone, and tried to make it all about the day, and about me, good and bad. Which is hard to do! Especially being a mother myself and knowing how I feel about my children's birthdays, which I feel are sort of my birthdays too! So it's no wonder it's hard to remove my mother, and the loss of her, from my birthday. I don't try to anymore, I celebrate her too. It's almost like having a funeral every year on the same day too, since I accepted that it's been easier. Last year on my 50th I even gave a bit of a speech between all of the fun , sort of a memorial to our loss on that first birthday. My loved ones that were there listening "got it". It was a really good day, I got hugs of joy and hugs of comfort, it was awesome. My Mom (amom) was always constant on my birthday, nothing big or extravagant, but always something to mark the day even if it was just a card and a call when I was far away. I'll always be thankful to her for that, even tho she expected me to be nothing but happy for another year. She stays on the sunny side always, nothing good to say, say nothing. I can't dog her for that anymore, I can only accept that about her. I think Christmas was always our "gotcha day" in the back ground since my adoption was official a couple of days before christmas. I'm glad no one brought that up tho! This year I think I am more focused on getting older than anything else! But on the other side of that I hope I have many more and get much older. Mine is coming again, so quickly, in a month. I'm already thinking about it! Glad 51 is kind of a boring year as far as birthdays go. I think what has bugged me the most is being expected to be nothing but sunny and grateful for life thruout the day by most people. Like it's bad to grieve on that day too. It's really not that easy, and I can't imagine expecting it to be so easy for anyone else like me. It's an awkward thing for everyone I guess. I've learned it's OK to be happy and sad on that day, no matter what others think and say or want from me. It's not their birthday, I'll do what I want:woohoo: I've always felt very vulnerable on that day, with good reason. I did loose my mother the second I was born, and even if it were days, weeks, months, years later - how could anyone not reflect on "the birth" "birthright" and especially their mother on their day? It's just not that easy for some of us. :) Peachy, I'd never ask, and I'd never expect my mother to go overboard on my birthday. But as uncomfortable and joyfully painful as it could be, knowing it would surely bring me to my knees - I think I would welcome it completely! I imagine it's sort of a dream for a lot of us, like Santa bringing a pony or dirt bike, but not something I would ever expect or admit LOL