Heavey Heart

I have felt many of those types of things for our daughter's bmom but not to the level you describe. We talked numerous times during her pregnancy and a few times since birth. I cried with her in the hospital. I know some people think the birth and placement is a time of great joy. For me, I was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. I felt so sad for her loss and for our daughter's loss. I couldn't believe that this little baby was coming home with us. I loved her immediately but caught myself referring to her mom numerous times. I got a lot of funny looks from those not in adoption. Over the last 3 months, I've come to see our daughter as just that. Meaning she is my husband and I's daughter but she's also her bparents daughter. I love her beyond belief and I find myself worrying about her bparents. Due to their circumstances contact is sporadic. They don't always have the ability to call or get email. I think it's good to be empathetic and understanding. It's certainly an emotional time. I've never been able to get excited about this adoption like family and friends have because I see the loss and destruction of a family and what is at best an imperfect solution for a family in crisis.

I think this is the one thing I was never prepared for in our match. My son's bmom had a 4 year old and a 14 mo old and an abusive husband (not to mention a drug problem.) My heart broke for her!! I even tried to find her resources to help her (my hubby thought I was nuts!) I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry this is hard for you. But this is her choice and all you can really do is be there for her and let her know you support her and care for her. I will say, though, that your bond to her will make this easier in the long run.

I totally feel with you!!! Our DD's Bmom and I texted several times a week (about more than just the weather, too) for the three months of our match. We got pretty close, and I love her dearly. But she/they have chosen to only have twice-a-year updates as far as contact. I respect that. But I still dream about her. Last night I dreamed again. I hurt for her/them. Yes, I think I understand what you're feeling.

I think it just shows that you are a compassionate and loving person. I agree that many people don't initially think about how hard it has to be for the e-moms until you actually talk to them or get to know their story. It has to be one of the hardest things a person will ever do in their lives and it is ultimately so sad that any woman is in a situation where they have to place their baby. I love J's b-mom dearly and pray for her regularly. She's had a tough life and I would have to be a really cold-hearted person to not be sad for her. It sounds like you already know this, but be prepared for a big mix of emotions when the baby is actually born. We were so overjoyed to have our baby boy, but at the same time my heart was breaking for his birthfamily and the loss they were experiencing. You will have course have to follow e-mom's wishes, but I find that having a really open relationship and treating J's birthfamily like extended family has really helped them. They never have to feel like they are excluded from his life, because they aren't.

I hope you don't mind my chiming in here as a birthmother. A little over 3 weeks ago I was getting changed in our employer's fitness center when I heard a couple of women talking about her upcoming adoption of a baby. She had mentioned flippantly that it was the easiest pregnancy ever, she could drink and didn't have to worry about her health, etc. Her friends laughed but then she mentioned (a little under her breath) that she felt sorry for the emom. I wasn't sure if she meant in general, or just because she couldn't drink, etc. The first comment really bothered me, and I didn't say anything (although I wanted to). It's very comforting to hear that some AP's think so much of the birthparents and what they're actually going through. If your adoption goes through, it's my advice to you to relay this to her, if you feel comfortable doing so. I know I would want to know that the pain of doing what I did wasn't lost on the adoptive family. The adoptive parents in my case told me via their letter that although they didn't know the pain and heartache of putting a child up for adoption, they said that they had been through pain and heartache of their own with losing several pregnancies and could at least understand a little. It helped me immensely to know they empathized. Bless you and your family, and I hope everything works out for everyone involved.

That is sooooooo true!!! We were ECSTATIC when our DD was born, but oh, I cried for her birthfamily! That's the price of love--the joy and the pain. I think that if your heart isn't touched to one degree or another by the pain the birthmom/family is going through, you aren't really in tune with adoption and you need to wake up. Maybe that's being too strong, but really--adoption isn't just taking a baby from someone else and running off to live my own happy little life! There's losses and gains, and we have to be in tune with both. COMPASSION is hugely needed!!! OK, I'll get off my soap box. :)

Like the other women have said... you are not alone!! Our dd is now 5 months old and this was a major issue for me. Our agency had me talk w/ birthmom every week for 3 months so I felt very attached to her. For the most part during the match... I was worried about her health and the match itself and then as soon as soon as the day came to sign the papers those emotions hit me like brick. I was not prepared for them at all! I had a hard time checking out of our hotel and boarding that plane back home without her being heavy on my heart and tears. I would say for the first few months i had moments where it was very difficult. She was constantly on my mind. Would see her when I would like at my daughter and etc. Something that helped me was 2 months after the birth I wrote a pretend letter to her where I could let out all of my emotions and say everything I wanted to say without be gaurded or worried about being to emotional for her. Though i knew this letter was never going to be sent it helped. Also, at our 2 month update she replied back to my email and said she was doing good with a smily face. Those words meant a lot. She also has a son who is exactly a year older then my daughter minus a week. So that provokes some emotions too. Personally, I dont think adoption agencies prepare you enough for this part of adoption. All, I can say is that their is a grieving aspect to this part of adoption for the ap's and that with time it does get better :)

I haven't read all the responses but I am glad to hear that you care for her this way and that you are aware of how hard this is. I know it means the world to me to have my son's parents understand even if not fully. While it's a crummy emotion to have I also think it's a great emotion in that it shows that you have a compassionate heart. I love my son's parents for understanding that this is a loss to me. Also that they understand that I am a person with real feelings and not just a means to an end. There is no magic solution to these feelings. I hope for the best for all of you and that whatever is meant to be will be.

I totally agree with pp. One thing i can say many years out is that if the baby is placed with you, you are not a counselor or responsible for making her whole. I had a lot of guilt after we adopted dd because i hated the pain it caused her bps. Ultimately i realized they wanted us to be thrilled to be parenting dd...and we are! There are reasons that if emom places you will never understand....but trust that she has her own circimstances to deal with that you of course did not cause. One of the most beautiful moments i ever experienced was dd's bdad looking her in the eyes when she was 4 yo and saying...never lose the light in your eyes. It was a true realization that all of dd's parents want the best for her. Hugs!

Thank you so much for all of the input and replies, they do help. It is a journey of a lot of different emotions. It is nice to be able go somewhere to get some of the emotions out.

Like others have said, you are not alone! I cried tears of joy when we found out BM had signed the TPR papers, but when we went down to her room, I was crying so hard for her breaking heart that I was worried I was going to drop DS when she placed him in my arms. It is certainly one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. I love her like a little sister and hated to see the pain she was in. It just shows you have a big heart! Good luck on your match! Mandy

And here I come to chime in, and the regs already know all our story, but to give a somewhat brief synopsis. Josh's bmom lived with her brother when we were matched with her, approx. 3 months before Josh was born. She had no job, had to share a bedroom with her brother's kids and slept on a blanket on the floor because they supposedly couldn't afford a bed. This upset me terribly and one of the first things we did when we signed the atty's contract was to transfer funds to buy her a bed. Before our match was made, when we met emom, I told her how much I wanted the adoption to be open, and she was so happy because that is what she wanted too. After Josh was born, and placed in our arms, I remember feeling really bad and thinking or maybe even wishing, that she could come home with us too. She did hold him the day we took him home from the hospital, she did say goodbye to him, then we didn't hear from her for several weeks. I was worried sick, not about her changing her mind but about her being so depressed that she might hurt herself or something. I was so relieved when she finally called. When Josh was about a year old, her brother kicked her out and she went to live with someone she met online, she moved several states away from her home state and when she got to this guy's house, he had a wife and he wanted M.C. to live in his basement and have some sort of weird relationship with her. She called me, scared to death, and I arranged for a taxi to take her to the nearest airport and flew her here where we lived, to a womens' shelter. She was able to visit us and Josh and ultimately decided to attend Job Corps where she got her GED and driver's license and some certificates to enable her to try to get a job. She stayed with us on some weekends and vacations, she wasn't so immersed in Josh's life and told me she thought of him more as a sibling or nephew, she loved on him and all that, of course, but never tried to dominate his care, was respectful of me in my role, etc. Finally, though, after we had extended ourselves way beyond our contract, after helping her and giving her a place to stay and because I felt so bad for her, I had given her a few thousand dollars beyond our contract, had provided her with a cell phone, always arranged flights or buses to get her places...we came to a point where we just couldn't do it anymore. I talked to a lot of people here and grew to realize I was enabling her and just prolonging her situation. I think I may have cared too much at that point. I encouraged her to go back to her home state and stay with her brothers and as much as I hated to do it, I broke the financial ties off, cut her cell phone off, and she moved away. That said, now, I still care deeply for her and care what happens to her, she is pg again and plans to parent, lives in a homeless shelter, has no steady employment, is estranged from her family and bfather, on and on. I did bus her here in August to visit us because she hadn't seen us for nearly 2 years. She stayed a week and I found myself wanting her to come live with us, but knew that would be a bad idea too, she needs to learn independence and how to care for herself. She has never taken drugs or alcohol and is now in her late 20's. I care deeply for her and wish she lived closer although I could see now that she would be dependent on us perhaps the rest of both hers and ours lives and I feel that would ultimately strain the relationship. She knows we care and we love her and we still want to maintain openness and visits when we can and she refers to us as her real family. Yes, you are very compassionate and I think it would be great if you expressed to her how deeply you care for her and that if she ever needs to talk or wants to visit, or whatever your agreement is, that you will do what you can do to help make that happen. That said, though, be careful that you don't care to the point that it consumes you and clouds your thinking and judgment. You still have your own family to think about. Sit down and make a list of things you think you could help her with, maybe taking her places to get housing assistance or food stamps, etc. Maybe thinking about some financial help, but set a limit and a clear boundary between you and her. Offer perhaps to pay for additional counseling for her beyond your agreement. Just learn from my situation and know that as much as we want to, we can't fix everybody or every situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay I think, to feel compassion and caring towards her but try not to let your emotions get the best of you. I know it's hard, believe you me, it is terribly hard sometimes, but hang in there and feel free to talk to me anytime, here on a thread or in PM land. I know exactly what you are going through. Sorry this was so long... Blessings, Michelle

And here I come to chime in, and the regs already know all our story, but to give a somewhat brief synopsis. Josh's bmom lived with her brother when we were matched with her, approx. 3 months before Josh was born. She had no job, had to share a bedroom with her brother's kids and slept on a blanket on the floor because they supposedly couldn't afford a bed. This upset me terribly and one of the first things we did when we signed the atty's contract was to transfer funds to buy her a bed. Before our match was made, when we met emom, I told her how much I wanted the adoption to be open, and she was so happy because that is what she wanted too. After Josh was born, and placed in our arms, I remember feeling really bad and thinking or maybe even wishing, that she could come home with us too. She did hold him the day we took him home from the hospital, she did say goodbye to him, then we didn't hear from her for several weeks. I was worried sick, not about her changing her mind but about her being so depressed that she might hurt herself or something. I was so relieved when she finally called. When Josh was about a year old, her brother kicked her out and she went to live with someone she met online, she moved several states away from her home state and when she got to this guy's house, he had a wife and he wanted M.C. to live in his basement and have some sort of weird relationship with her. She called me, scared to death, and I arranged for a taxi to take her to the nearest airport and flew her here where we lived, to a womens' shelter. She was able to visit us and Josh and ultimately decided to attend Job Corps where she got her GED and driver's license and some certificates to enable her to try to get a job. She stayed with us on some weekends and vacations, she wasn't so immersed in Josh's life and told me she thought of him more as a sibling or nephew, she loved on him and all that, of course, but never tried to dominate his care, was respectful of me in my role, etc. Finally, though, after we had extended ourselves way beyond our contract, after helping her and giving her a place to stay and because I felt so bad for her, I had given her a few thousand dollars beyond our contract, had provided her with a cell phone, always arranged flights or buses to get her places...we came to a point where we just couldn't do it anymore. I talked to a lot of people here and grew to realize I was enabling her and just prolonging her situation. I think I may have cared too much at that point. I encouraged her to go back to her home state and stay with her brothers and as much as I hated to do it, I broke the financial ties off, cut her cell phone off, and she moved away. That said, now, I still care deeply for her and care what happens to her, she is pg again and plans to parent, lives in a homeless shelter, has no steady employment, is estranged from her family and bfather, on and on. I did bus her here in August to visit us because she hadn't seen us for nearly 2 years. She stayed a week and I found myself wanting her to come live with us, but knew that would be a bad idea too, she needs to learn independence and how to care for herself. She has never taken drugs or alcohol and is now in her late 20's. I care deeply for her and wish she lived closer although I could see now that she would be dependent on us perhaps the rest of both hers and ours lives and I feel that would ultimately strain the relationship. She knows we care and we love her and we still want to maintain openness and visits when we can and she refers to us as her real family. Yes, you are very compassionate and I think it would be great if you expressed to her how deeply you care for her and that if she ever needs to talk or wants to visit, or whatever your agreement is, that you will do what you can do to help make that happen. That said, though, be careful that you don't care to the point that it consumes you and clouds your thinking and judgment. You still have your own family to think about. Sit down and make a list of things you think you could help her with, maybe taking her places to get housing assistance or food stamps, etc. Maybe thinking about some financial help, but set a limit and a clear boundary between you and her. Offer perhaps to pay for additional counseling for her beyond your agreement. Just learn from my situation and know that as much as we want to, we can't fix everybody or every situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay I think, to feel compassion and caring towards her but try not to let your emotions get the best of you. I know it's hard, believe you me, it is terribly hard sometimes, but hang in there and feel free to talk to me anytime, here on a thread or in PM land. I know exactly what you are going through. Sorry this was so long... Blessings, Michelle