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Thread: Heavey Heart
And here I come to chime in, and the regs already know all our story, but to give a somewhat brief synopsis. Josh's bmom lived with her brother when we were matched with her, approx. 3 months before Josh was born. She had no job, had to share a bedroom with her brother's kids and slept on a blanket on the floor because they supposedly couldn't afford a bed. This upset me terribly and one of the first things we did when we signed the atty's contract was to transfer funds to buy her a bed. Before our match was made, when we met emom, I told her how much I wanted the adoption to be open, and she was so happy because that is what she wanted too.
After Josh was born, and placed in our arms, I remember feeling really bad and thinking or maybe even wishing, that she could come home with us too. She did hold him the day we took him home from the hospital, she did say goodbye to him, then we didn't hear from her for several weeks. I was worried sick, not about her changing her mind but about her being so depressed that she might hurt herself or something. I was so relieved when she finally called.
When Josh was about a year old, her brother kicked her out and she went to live with someone she met online, she moved several states away from her home state and when she got to this guy's house, he had a wife and he wanted M.C. to live in his basement and have some sort of weird relationship with her. She called me, scared to death, and I arranged for a taxi to take her to the nearest airport and flew her here where we lived, to a womens' shelter. She was able to visit us and Josh and ultimately decided to attend Job Corps where she got her GED and driver's license and some certificates to enable her to try to get a job.
She stayed with us on some weekends and vacations, she wasn't so immersed in Josh's life and told me she thought of him more as a sibling or nephew, she loved on him and all that, of course, but never tried to dominate his care, was respectful of me in my role, etc.
Finally, though, after we had extended ourselves way beyond our contract, after helping her and giving her a place to stay and because I felt so bad for her, I had given her a few thousand dollars beyond our contract, had provided her with a cell phone, always arranged flights or buses to get her places...we came to a point where we just couldn't do it anymore. I talked to a lot of people here and grew to realize I was enabling her and just prolonging her situation. I think I may have cared too much at that point. I encouraged her to go back to her home state and stay with her brothers and as much as I hated to do it, I broke the financial ties off, cut her cell phone off, and she moved away. That said, now, I still care deeply for her and care what happens to her, she is pg again and plans to parent, lives in a homeless shelter, has no steady employment, is estranged from her family and bfather, on and on.
I did bus her here in August to visit us because she hadn't seen us for nearly 2 years. She stayed a week and I found myself wanting her to come live with us, but knew that would be a bad idea too, she needs to learn independence and how to care for herself. She has never taken drugs or alcohol and is now in her late 20's.
I care deeply for her and wish she lived closer although I could see now that she would be dependent on us perhaps the rest of both hers and ours lives and I feel that would ultimately strain the relationship. She knows we care and we love her and we still want to maintain openness and visits when we can and she refers to us as her real family.
Yes, you are very compassionate and I think it would be great if you expressed to her how deeply you care for her and that if she ever needs to talk or wants to visit, or whatever your agreement is, that you will do what you can do to help make that happen. That said, though, be careful that you don't care to the point that it consumes you and clouds your thinking and judgment. You still have your own family to think about. Sit down and make a list of things you think you could help her with, maybe taking her places to get housing assistance or food stamps, etc. Maybe thinking about some financial help, but set a limit and a clear boundary between you and her. Offer perhaps to pay for additional counseling for her beyond your agreement.
Just learn from my situation and know that as much as we want to, we can't fix everybody or every situation. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay I think, to feel compassion and caring towards her but try not to let your emotions get the best of you. I know it's hard, believe you me, it is terribly hard sometimes, but hang in there and feel free to talk to me anytime, here on a thread or in PM land. I know exactly what you are going through.
Sorry this was so long...
Blessings, Michelle