I am 22 and have been married for 3 years. In August of 2011 I had a beautiful daughter. Shortly after I became severely depressed and it only got worse. In January of 2012 I separated from my husband and got my own apartment as well as filed for divorce. During our separation I dated a man for bit and got pregnant, The last time I saw him was the day of conception. He disappeared and when I called I knew it was him but he swore he didn't know me. I told him I was pregnant and he hung up on me. Never talked to him or heard from him again. I was so scared and upset, the only option in my head was an abortion. I had scheduled an appointment at the local planned parent hood and only one person knew of my plans or the pregnancy. A couple days before my appointment a friend dragged me to a church retreat and I was not the same. A women gave her story of how her life was changed by having an abortion. God touched my heart that night and all my anger and sadness was gone. I called my husband and told him I was pregnant, We have been back together 9 months now. The pregnancy was very rough and I had a lot of medical issues. Two weeks ago I gave birth to the most precious little boy. The adoption is very recent and I just want to talk to people who can relate to my situation. I chose an amazing couple that is everything I wanted for my baby and I know adoption was the best choice for him but I still am sad and find myself crying all the time. I have been praying a lot and writing to him about myself but I just want to feel normal again. I cant help but feel jealous of the adoptive mom.
I cannot relate to your struggles, but I just wanted to say congrats on the birth of your baby boy as well as mending things with your husband. Keep up the writing to your son, and think about talking with a therapist or a good friend who knows your situation as much as possible. I can't blame you for feeling sad or feeling jealous of the adoptive mom. It's natural to feel that way. I would think it will get much easier in time. Best wishes!
Having a child before I had the child I placed saved me. There were days I HAD to smile and be happy for the one who I parent. Waking up somedays you have to make a CHOICE to be happy, to put on your clothes and brush your hair. The first few days after I placed my child I would sit in my room alone and cry so hard I felt like the only thing keeping me alive were the gasps of breaths in between the sobbing. Then I would wipe my face, fix my makeup and go ask my daugther what the best thing about her day was. There is always something to smile about you just have to look and smiling seemed to be one of the best cures with the child I did have.
I feel like placing my second helped me to become a better mom. I appreciate the little things along with the big things I get to expirience with my first. I don't take a second for granted with her. I make it a point on a daily basis to figure out a way to make both of my girls proud. You never seem to get over the hurt of placing a child, I feel like I became immune to it.. I remember the first 6 month probably was a really trying time for me. I was emotionally all over the place. I tired to save the tears so my daughter wouldn't save them.
Try to remember that the lord put you here for a reason and he did so knowing you were strong enough to handle it. You haven't led a blessed life until you've blessed others. Choose to smile.
I wish you the best of luck and send all of my love :love:
Thanks so much for replying. He is now 9 months old and every day is a struggle for me. My daughter definitely is the reason I get up every day. I pray everyday the feeling gets easier. His adoptive family brought him to visit a couple months ago and it was so hard. Took everything I had not to break down. I was so angry and hurt.
I feel better most days but struggle daily with depression. Thanks so much for your reply. Made my day!
I wondered this about visits. Is it harder for you to have visits. We are in an extremely open adoption and I'm always so worried about DD's first mom. I don't know if visits as often as we do are good for her or not. They don't bother me and DD's too young to know but I wondered about her.
I've thought about less visits we typically do once a month (sometimes more) did a lot more at Christmas etc but I wondered if they were hurting her. DD's 7 months so it's still pretty new for her as well. Sending Hugs!