Adoptive relative is against adoption

Sadly, it seems people don't want to challenge bigotry like this for whatever reason. I think that those of us who know how hurtful it can be have to be the voice of reason. If as you mentioned bystanders and passive observers call people on comments pretty soon the message will be out there that it's unacceptable to speak like this. It would be just as rude to make a comment about a married couple's genes mixing up the genetics of a bloodline. It's nuts. When two people marry outside of the the gene pool it's for a reason so what's the difference really? None that I can see.

My adoptive parents don't get why it hurts so much. I think secretly they like it, feeds their ego. It hurts when I am talking about losing my bmother and someone says 'but you have nice adoptive parents!' as if that makes it all better. It's a slap in the face. My adoptive father and I were arguing about this, and he did his usual 'people mean well' crap. I asked him how he would like it if after his mother died, and his father remarried, if when he tried to express his grief over his mother people reminded him how wonderful his step mother was. I felt like **** for going below the belt, but I wanted him to feel what I feel and be more understanding. He doesn't see my bmother as my mother, whereas I do. Also, it makes me cringe when people talk about how amazing adoptive parents are for adopting. We all know why it happens. The adoptive parents are the lucky ones, all parents are! I mean really. We have kids because we want them. Nobody does the world a favour by giving birth or adopting. The pressure put on adoptees to be grateful is nothing short of prejudice. It's treating us like second class citizens, it's degrading.

This statement bothers me. "The pressure put on adoptees to be grateful is nothing short of prejudice. It's treating us like second class citizens, it's degrading." honestly, I think all kids should be grateful if they ended up with good parents. I know that I thank God every day I had the parents I had. And for adopted children, they are lucky if both sets of parents are decent and love them. They should be appreciative. I thank God every day I have the pleasure of raising my children.They are the greatest gift I was given. They are my joy. And sure, us adoptive parents are "lucky" to have great kids but so are people who have biological children. They are lucky they can have children and love them. I dont look at gratefulness as a burden whether you are the child or the parent. My children are fortunate they didnt stay in foster care. They have parents right now who are very messed up and dangerous. They are lucky to have gotten out and not been raised in the system. I am grateful to have been given the oppt to raise them.

Oh come on Latinosunshine, you have been around the adoption community long enough to understand the difference between "gratitude" for having a good life and the double helping of gratitude adoptees are expected to have. You should be grateful you weren't aborted - told to their face - have you ever been told that? You should be grateful you were adopted - despite the fact that they also LOST their entire biological family. You should be grateful you were given the chance to have a better life - despite the fact that they (the speaker) has no darn clue what life would have been in our biological families (mine was middle class just like my adoptive family). Of course if we had a great life (I did) we are grateful for our family - who isn't - but that is not the additional gratitude that is the point of that statement - we should not have to be any more grateful than you - especially to do any stranger that wants to tell us that. Kind regards,Dickons

I think that part of the confusion here is that the English language uses the word "gratitude" when we actually mean two different things - "appreciation" versus "indebtedness."Of course, all children should be appreciative of their parents, and of kindnesses that are done for them. A person who isn't taught to be appreciative during childhood will grow up to be a miserable, entitled adult.That said, the other meaning, indebtedness, is destructive. People should never be made to feel that they owe their parents, or that being cared for appropriately isn't just their basic right, or that they don't deserve the love they're receiving.It's important to encourage any child (adopted or not) to be appreciative. The problem is that for adoptees, often a line is crossed into expectations of indebtedness, and that's unfair and damaging. It's not that being adopted means a person should never be grateful for anything their parents do - it's that not all meanings of gratitude are good things.

I generally agree, except that I don't think all parents are necessarily "lucky." "Luck" is when someone gets something they want, or at least something they end up enjoying.

The pressure put on adoptees to be grateful is nothing short of prejudice. It's treating us like second class citizens, it's degrading. The pressure put on children to be grateful is nothing short of prejudice. It's treating us like second class citizens, it's degrading. It's a different thing.:3d:

As an adopted person I am thankful that I have been able to maintain some level of sanity despite being pulled from my clan. I am thankful that I have my daughter who I would never dream of putting through what I have been through. I have been an outsider looking in at life through bullet proof glass because I knew I was not part of the family who raised me. I am not grateful for what I have been put through. I am thankful I made it through it. I do not believe any child should be obliged to be grateful at all for what every child should have in this cold world....Their rightful place with people who love them.

The bloodlines and the name thing are both ridiculous in some ways and important in some ways, to some. The name thing gets on my nerves too LOL since it's typically a man only thing. I have two brothers (aparents bio sons), one has two daughters, one has a son and a daughter, I have a son and a daughter. So if we stick with the name thing, that leaves only one to carry on my father's family name... so all but one are left out! It all screams possessive paternal to me. I think it would work better maternally, lets change it LOL We are usually pretty certain the mother is the mother, usually. But secrets and altered birth records can bogus that up... I'd love to talk about it all and record it all factually together, along with DNA results! somehow, somewhere, haven't found that genealogical program yet! One day, it's the only true way to show "Family Links" :) As far as inheriting heirlooms, I think it's an individual thing, not always relating to blood or names. It's the connection one has with the person and the object to be given, sometimes. If my sister in-law thinks she is really getting (and she did/does) MY grandmother's crystal, silver and china, stuff that I grew up with, to give to her daughters who carry the family name and blood, who never even knew my grandma, she's out of luck. My daughter and I knew her well, and miss her greatly. Besides, Mom already sent it to me LOL SIL can go get her own mother's mother's stuff to give to her daughter's.:rolleyes:

I have pictures as far back as pictures go and on my dad's side the connection is without doubt - farther back the physical descriptions provided are proof enough to me to confirm true. Perhaps why I love doing that tree more than the rest - the striking similarities - both physical and in how each lived their life and actions taken are amazing - also because that family line is noted in books from the time they first came to this country. Heirlooms - I feel entitled to them, but because the line ends with me, they will and are noted in my will to go to specific ancestors of dad's silbings that I believe would appreciate the value of the connection - wouldn't be right to go to someone unrelated. Not sure even if I had a child to leave them to, that I would leave it to them - I don't think the personal items dad's ancestors touched and used should leave that line. I personally feel that if the concept of family and family lines stops being important - then a part of humanity dies with it. I dislike the dissing of family lines connected by blood that is seen so widely in the adoption community - there isn't a need to denigrate something so very special just because adoption and adoptive families exist. Both types of family should be able to stand proud on their own merits - not have to take something away from the other - just to make themselves feel better. Kind regards,Dickons

I agree 100% and think this needs repeating as often as possible.

Thanks Beth, I was just on facebook and my cousin on my dad's side, had just posted a picture of him and his son - spitting images. I pulled up one of the pictures I have of dad and man it is scary and that is uncle to great nephew to great/great nephew. To me that is comforting - and while I don't agree with my cuz lots of times I see his personality mirrors dad in so many ways (and was also the personality of dad's nephew) - it's comforting to know all the good in that line is still around. D

I've become a family research junkie. It's given me so much peace, and sharing it with my family has been a joy. Every line I have worked on in my family has strong similarities in every way. It blows my mind. Especially the talents and things people did. Like yours Dickons, my aDad's line is similar, doctors of some kind for generations. And we have connected with living distant cousins, yep doctors doctors everywhere. And the resemblance in pictures and personality is amazing. I found a picture of one of my 3rd great grandfathers, it could be a pic of my son, I couldn't believe it. I come from a long line of town building, river loving, land owning, beekeeping, cooking, inventing, self sufficient hunting, fishing, doctoring, tailors with farms, orchards and the like. NOW it's no wonder to me why I've done the same and live like I do. It used to be an odd thing to me before I new this. I even purchased the exact same land as one of my gg...grandfathers owned before I knew. It spoke to me in a way I'll never be able to explain with any sense. I can read about my ancestors in books like, The History of Kentucky and many others. So can my Afamily. My Mom has been trying to get her children and grandchildren to say what heirlooms they are interested in having. She holds tight to my opinions since "I make sense" according to her. That makes me too happy. My brothers are mostly interested in the money LOL and my gold-digging SIL went around Mom's house putting her name on everything she wanted, which was nearly everything... Mom told me she is worried when it comes time that SIL will try to leave me and my kids out if she gets the chance, since we aren't blood. Mom is closer to mine than her other grandchildren. She recently changed the executor from my brother to me, due to my SIL. I will certainly include my brothers 100% in decisions that need to be made. Dad said I've always taken the peacekeepers role, so they will leave me that, my brother agreed. (Gee thanks Dad LOL) I'm glad my parents are fair and consider all family links important in their own way. More so now than ever. IMO much of it comes down to the connection. Like the portraits of my Dad's 3rd great grandparents, his paternal family name. It only makes sense that they go to the only grandson that will carry on this name, hopefully. If he happens to have several sons, then they can fight that out I guess. Dad put his word in that they should always go to the oldest male. My son, the other male in that generation has a claim on his paternal name, not my father's, and he's the only son of an only son. That sure does make it easier. Mom's wedding dress... The grandaughters all want it. Except my daughter, the eldest grandaughter, she recently got married and it wouldn't fit LOL and wasn't really her style, so Mom gets to decide. We've come to the conclusion her next oldest gdaughter should have it if she wants it, plus she is the tiny one like Mom and it may even fit, and she's getting her degree in fashion, so it makes sense. If not, I've been commissioned to make everyone a quilt including it. My grandmother and I made a quilt from her wedding dress, her mother's wedding dress, mom's baby blanket and my baby blanket. I feel completely entitled to that. Of course SIL thinks her daughters should inherit it. It's my maternal line, not hers, or the other DIL's. We made many other beautiful quilts, and will try to divide them up fairly between all the grandchildren. At least the one's that my SIL hasn't already taken:rolleyes: Wedding rings... ugh. Dad says Mom's mother's ring and Mom's should go to the two grandsons, if they want them to give to their brides. Makes sense to me. Except not if Mom is still living!! So they are still thinking on that one. One of my goals now is noticing which of their grandchildren are interested in it all, and who will carry on the research, and keep all these boxes of pictures and documents I have accumulated on my Mom and Dad's ancestors! I hope at least one finds it interesting. I do think it is very important. All the stuff I've found on my blood lines will go to both of my children to keep and fight over, I've taught them to be fair about these things, they are good at fighting over stuff. :) They know how important it is to me, what I have gone through to get it for them, to leave it to them. They know how important it is too. Along with written wills!

missmiso, I'm sorry your parents can't "see the light", yet. It's so difficult and painful for everyone. Keep talking about it, even if you have to go below the belt to be equal. Jump in there. Shine the light on it all in a loving way. It helped me, us, so much and in so many ways, for me to find and show interest in my adopted families ancestors, even the ones I never knew. I assembled pictures, found names for the pics with no names by asking them and their relatives, just asked lots of questions and listened to lots of boring stories LOL and some good ones too and recorded all the memories they shared with me. It also helped us for me to share my ancestors with my afamily. They didn't like it. I did it anyway. Just threw out facts about what I had found out about mine, and theirs, at every opportunity. Showed them pictures and stories of All of the ancestors. It really has smoothed things out. It gave me a way to express to them how important I think they all are to me, and should be to them. At first I shared some of my anger with them about loosing my mother and how I felt about them not seeing that, accepting that for what it truly was/is. How that was stolen from me, and how they were continuing the theft. I got why that was hard for them, for me too. They didn't take it well at all. I heard a lot of the same "people mean well" crap. Like my sweet little gma telling me when we drove by or went to the local Home for Children how lucky I was not to be there. How I should "thank my lucky stars". She never said that to my brothers, their bios, just me. There lies the assumed difference of chance. By sharing facts about it ALL with them, MY entire family facts, especially making/taking claim on them ALL as my family regardless of how we are connected - I'm amazed at how that worked to calm those painful feelings we all had. Showing interest in my Dad's mother, asking questions about her, sharing it with his grandchildren - really opened his eyes. Plus I think it is easier to talk about long dead people we are connected to that none of us knew personally.:wings: Same with my Mom too. She didn't show much interest in her own genealogy for a long time. She had been given so much info about her ancestors, just took it for granted. Recently she asked me to find out more about her father's mother and her people, who died when he was an infant. She never wanted to talk about it before, not too important, he had a fine step-mother that he loved loyally. We knew all about her family. I also told her how he talked about his original mother and mine with me, things she didn't know we shared alone together, things she'd never heard, he understood. She just gave me all of her families papers, stories, books, pics, etc to look through, record and find more. I think it had a lot to do with sort of being left out while me and Dad were talking about so much LOL Got her thinking too. I hope you can find a way to keep talking about it missmiso. It's hard, but I've found it to be more than worth the time and extreme effort in so many ways.

I'd feel sad if Sweetpea didn't feel entitled to inherit anything my nieces and nephews would inherit. Thank goodness I know my parents well enough to know they would never make a distinction between adopted vs. bio grandchildren. I'm not dissing blood relationships (I expect Sweetpea to want to know about her biological heritage someday). I just feel that she's just as much a member of our family as her cousins are. There shouldn't be anything that could go to them that couldn't go to her. .