Adoptive relative is against adoption

I'm not sure what section to post. I hope it's alright here. I suck at titles. I have this adoptive aunt (She's married to my dad's little brother). Anyway, I don't know if she has something against adoptive parents or adoptive children/adults or what. It sure feels like that. I have no clue what the heck is her problem. My adoptive parents and few of my parents friends (Since I knew as a child) They all went to a retirement party. My mom's friend asked my mom, "How are your 3 kids?" (btw, my brothers and I are adopted) My mom said, "They're doing good." My adoptive aunt jumped in, "It's not like they're your kids! They are someone else and you're just raising them." She's always been like that around my mom since she adopted us. The two do not like each other. Maybe, that's the reason why also. Jealousy? Don't know. My brother had called at the house and we were having phone problems and he begin to worry about us. So, he called our aunt and she would not accept the call from him and she flat told my mom, "He is not blood related. That's the reason I did not accept the call from him!" My aunt thinks she's very perfect and she had her own blood babies and I guess where not perfect for her. My parents couldn't have kids and they wanted kids. So they went to adopt us. My Adoptive dad said, "Just ignore her." But, How can you ignore on what she said? It's a hurtful way. My adoptive cousin was so ticked off at my aunt. She's a red headed and when she loses her temper. Watch out. She said, "They took your last name. They're considered as family period." My aunt always introduce, "This is my adoptive niece." I don't know why she can't leave "Adoptive" out.Has anyone ever come across with a relative who is so small minded? What were your experiences?Do people have problems with adoptive kids? I told mom, "Look at our cousins (that are from dads side of the family) and they adopted children from different countries.Kathy

If I were in your shoes, I would confront your aunt directly and tell her exactly how her words are making you feel like a piece of crap. I would then ask her to keep her mouth shut around me if she has only negative stuff to say. Mostly, though, I would totally ignore her...

I would rally some support, corral her and tell her if she doesn't stop this nonsense she will be introduced from now on as "Our simple Aunt who has no social etiquette". See how she likes it.

By her ridiculous logic only inbred children would be full blooded relatives. Is that what she wants. Ask her if that's the reason she feels her children are her own. Everyone who marries someone introduces a different blood line into the family for the love of God....doesn't she see that? The rest of your family should have an intervention with this woman and set her straight. If I were her sister or brother or her mother or father I would inform her that she and her prejudice are not welcome to any family gathering. Tolerating this kind of rude, cruel behaviour merely to prevent hurting her feelings is outrageous. Embarrass her just as glibly as she has embarrassed others. That might shut her up.

Some people don't accept it, and yes it hurts. It is hard to deal with if you have to associate with people like that - in the name of family peace. You have options already provided above. Personally, if I had to be in that situation seeing as she does not see you as real, would be to not acknowledge she exists either. Go in, hug/talk to everyone except her - and make it seem like you didn't see her in the room (takes skill and practice, or you can excuse yourself half way through and use the ladies room, take your coat off, or whatever and then just miss her again). When she speaks her words don't exist to you. Turn and speak to the person next to you about a different subject making eye contact. Don't make eye contact with her, and be the most outgoing self you are naturally, and have fun. Do it carefully so no one can accuse you of trying to make a production out of it - more like you just didn't know she was there and thought she opted out of attending. She will go home feeling the sting of not being real. Kind regards,Dickons

I like Dickon's idea better than mine. Thanks. I think what you suggest has a lot more grace than being confrontational. I had a weak moment. Merry Christmas.

I love all of the suggestions you've gotten here. I would also suggest having a frank conversation with your parents and let them know EXACTLY how this makes you feel. Every family has different dynamics and a lot of families have the "keep the peace and ignore" dynamic. It sounds like this is what's going on.My feeling as an AP is that anyone like that wouldn't ever be included in any family celebration or activity. Ever! And I'd have a talk with them and let them know exactly why.

I agree. Talk especially to your a-dad, since it's his brother's wife who is doing it.

Wouldn't it be good if we could all just shape shift and show up when people like this open their traps. Simply appear like the peanut gallery, elbow our way into the cheese trays and pickle dishes at the dinner table and say things like..... "Excuse me for interjecting but have you completely lost touch with reality. Do you have any clue how ridiculous you sound? It's a pity about your impediment let me help you remove your foot from your mouth" or how about hanging a sign on her back saying "please flip switch to engage brain before mouth opens".

Oops there goes that dark side again.

I would probably just deck her in the face.... that might not be too helpful though. :)

If you speak to her or about her do you call her aunt? I don't think I would anymore! I'd just use her first name and maybe "adoptive aunt" if I needed to introduce her. It works both ways.

I would have never allowed her my children life. I'm not getting why she would be welcome to the home or in your guys lives.

This is an attitude and subsequent actions on the part of your adoptive aunt that were allowed to get out of hand by your adoptive parents. They should have had an in depth conversation with your aunt about the inappropriateness of her behavior towards you a long time ago just simply because it's unfeeling and mean. Then, they should have let her know that you are their child to them. Her behavior is obnoxious and odd. The only type of things I can see blood ties come into play over are family heirlooms. Example-A great great grandmother's item has been passed down for generations and it was meant to go to a descendant. I can understand a family wanting those types of items staying in the bloodline. You see this working in families with titles. Example-Earl and Duke. Adoptees can't inherit those. At least, that's my understanding. I don't have a problem with that.

I agree - I wouldn't address her as my aunt. If I had to introduce her, I'd do so as "my uncle's wife". P.S. She's a fool. Just sayin'.