Birthfathers wife jealous!

If you poke around on the forums a bit you will actually find a few older threads dealing with this issue. It is way more common than I thought. One thread got hi-jacked by a couple of Wives of bio-dads ( I think it is on the bio-dads board), and for all of the vitriol, there was a window into the way the wives' minds were working. A couple of them seemed to be blind-sided by the strength of their own emotions when their husband's daughters sought reunion. This sort of jealous reaction seems to happen almost exclusively with wives of bio-dads with daughters. I guess in some way it is like their husband is spending time with another adult female, and even though they logically know that she is his daughter, they still feel jiilted? I don't fully understand it either. I don't see how a person can have such a hard time stepping out of that mindset, or fail to see that reunion doesn't need to be a tug of war. Then again, I have never actually been in their position. Staying with friends when you are town sounds like a good idea. I don't think the Wife Situation should stop you from going. Bottom line is that reunions can be very difficult, full of ups and downs. It won't kill you, but it will show you some of the dark sides of people. good luck.

Murf, This is great reading (and could make your head spin :woohoo: a little too, but there is a lot of emotion in this thread - good and bad - that could help you): [url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-adoptive-family-relationships/385963-my-birth-fathers-wife.html?highlight=wanttodoright[/url] Kind regards, Moonbeam

I wonder if the reason SOME wives do this isn't just the result of their own insecurites. In other words, maybe it isn't the whole reason, but is part of it. In my case, I found my father wasn't telling everyone the same stories about the past-me one thing and his wife and siblings other things. He was also telling her things about me and my conversations with him that led her to get upset. Example-Things I said to him about holding him responsible for my step parent adoption after he had been my active father the first few years of my life. This led to his wife's irritations and what eventually led to my lack of contact with everyone. I was lied on and misrepresented about his reasons for being out of my life and what took place between us during reunion. Throughout my reunion, my father always seemed not "all on board", but I was the only one who seemed to see it. When things were over, I had a wife who had her own insecurites ON TOP of the crap he had fed her to stay out of trouble, keep lies covered, and keep me away. So, when people have wife issues, they should make sure the father isn't part of the problem and possibly feeding it. My father's wife had insecurites, but there was also more going on to add to it. I ended up being out of my father's family because of it all. I think this garners another comment to people in reunion reading this thread. If you have a father or other family member in reunion and then he attempts to end it based on bad things he has said about the adoptee, think twice before you end it, too. The adoptee may be being lied on to insure a break in contact.

that's exactly the thread I was thinking of, too-- thanks for posting the link, moonbeam!

Just some insite for you on the wife's part I am in a very similar situation, as the "wife". However I have not treated my husband or his daughter this way. Jealousy does play apart in this of course. However i describe it more as heart break. It is very hard to see someone I have only met once call my husband dad, and my children brother and sister, and also he him self has only seen maybe 11 days total in the past 20 some years. It hurts very deeply in an indescribable nature, I know this is apart of his life that is very important to him on many levels. I have choose to deal with my issues. At this time I have been put on calming medications and have entered counciling. I don't know if it will work, I love my husband dearly and want nothing more then him to have what he deserves, but the heart break tears at me everyday. It is not the child's fault that this happened or yours. But understand you at anytime may choose to walk away from the reunion with no repercussions as you have the right to choose what part you want to play. But being the "wife" you have to live with what ever the father and child Decide. I do not get to choose what part the child will play in my life with out consequences. If you the child are uncomfortable it is ok and comforted. If I the wife am uncomfortable I have to deal with it. Hope all works out for you!! she is just sad displaced and probably has no where to turn for advice.