I feel horrible

My advice is the same advice my social worker gave me - FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. Attachment (both ways) and bonding takes time. You ARE committed to her. She IS your child. And now you show that. Love really isn't a feeling -- it is an action, and interaction, and the "feelings" are a bonus if they come. You, as the adult, need to have a safe place to vent and a safe place to express your feelings -- but YOU as the adult and the parent have a responsibility to ACT loving to her (she has none to you - she didn't asked for this screwed up life) ... Put yourself into situations to foster intimacy (massages with lotion, swimming together, painting each others nails, doing make up together, going for walks to talk, choosing music out together, making ice cream sundaes together etc). And give it time. You need to understand that this journey to relationship is a JOURNEY -- really a marathon. Things might get VERY hard before they get better and your CHOICE to love her will be hard some days, and may not have lots to do about how you FEEL other days -- but it is a choice and a commitment and you need to walk it out :)The feelings will come -- give yourself the space to be ok to fake it until it does.

I think Jen gave you some very valuable advice! One thing I would add to her advice is maybe just start softly placing your hand on the 11-year-old's shoulder when you're standing next to each other or if you come up behind her. Sometimes that works, and the child becomes accustomed to being touched. Then proceed to putting your arm around her shoulders when you're standing side-by-side. I've known a lot of children this technique has helped.The "fake it 'til you make it" saying really does work. I've had to use it several times back when I was fostering teenage girls who had just been released from reform schools. The strange thing is that it resulted in ME feeling more attached to them over time. Actually, the kids that I used the "fake it 'til you make it" approach on were the ones I became closest with.On a side note, you may want to private message one of the moderators or the administrator and ask them to edit out the children's birthdates (or placement dates, I couldn't tell which one), so they can't be identified.Keep hanging in there. This stuff takes time. :loveyou:

I hear you loud and clear....However, Hugging so soon may feel like an attack to her right now. Like it's already been said, find ways to ease into it.Also, love is received in several ways. Read up on the 5 love languages. Also, she's old enough....ask her to complete the sentence "I feel love when you...." Plus she IS 12......she is likely to push away any "baby-ing affection" just because of her age/puberty alone. My dd is 11 and very similar, although we've been fighting attachment issues (hers and mine) for years and are now to the "cuddle-bug" insecure attachment phase that 2 yr olds go through. I'm also not beyond simply asking for what I need from her. I will go tell her I need a hug, or I need to cuddle by you.....Maybe you can ask her for 1 GOOD hug every day....and work your way up to more over time.