Why the inconsistant contact?

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I am and adult Adoptee that reunited with my birthmother when I was 18. (Closed). That was about 30 years ago. The reunion was full of emotions, and happiness/eagerness to reunite. I was also still a child at that age. I would talk with her about once a month which worked for me at that time. In my twenties, my bmom actually backed away from me and was busy living her life. Over the years I would visit, but the last time she visited me was almost 20 yrs ago. It felt like I was expected to go to her home and spend time with her family but she wouldn't come see me and my family. I love my bfamily, but they are not the same family that has given me years of familiarity. It has felt like she wanted to forget I have a family here, and sometimes its felt like she wants me to forget my family here. I doubt that's true, but it's a feeling that's been had. It's not the birthmothers fault, it just is what it is. For a long time I tried to be the child I knew she wanted. Now that I'm older, I know better and while I try to be polite and cordial, I don't bend over backwards to people please anymore, and that's ruffled quite a few feathers of late. She wants more communication than what I am capable of providing or giving...to anyone. It's not a lack of love or caring, ...or empathy, it's just something within some of us adoptees as adults who want these sorts of expectations lowered significantly. I do not wish her any harm, I love her dearly, but I cannot and will not be her emotional punching bag, or an emotional support person/therapist, I cannot be that daughter she so badly wanted but had to relinquish. I can't fulfill that fantasy because I am not that baby anymore. I've had to learn a lot lately about what it means to be codependent when in family relationships with vulnerable narcissists. I pray someday she will accept me as I am, not as whatever mental health disorder judgements have been rationalized upon me within her reality. Some birthmothers badly want contact with the adoptee and a relationship as if they were never ever placed for adoption. This is in no way meant to hurt my birthmother or bmoms in general. This post has been edited because of adoptee rage that floated to the surface and into a post. This is one of the realities of being an adult Adoptee. The trauma can stick and if it sticks to you, it's a difficult road for adoptees and their relationships with birthparents. We are not extensions of our biological parents, as in, we are individuals that have grown into adults. We are no longer children. We are not the child you dreamt of. We are adults with our own personalities, dreams, and behaviors. If we reunite and have a healthy relationship, that's fantastic and beautiful, celebrate it. If we reunite and cannot have healthy boundaries, that's when one has to back off contact. No one is entitled to treat people as less than, no matter the age difference, no matter their role in adoption relationships. We had no say in the way we were introduced to this world, and some of us are still trying to work through abandonment issues, attachment issues, various other mental health diagnosis with a common denominator. Obviously I'm still working through my adoptee rage because it's a traumatic experience for a child to 1) be relinquished and 2) are left without a primary caregiver for 3+ weeks. No matter how much I don't want it to hurt, it still does at times, especially when she's hateful and overly judgemental. I'm in therapy, but when I asked if she'd attend one, she said no. I want a healthy relationship with my bmom. I've read from birthmothers who long for their child they were maybe forced to relinquish, or pushed to. It's horrible that this happened to you and your pain is valid. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart that you had to go through that. If Bmom would research about adult adoptees and see the commonalities, maybe that could help tone down things....maybe? In regards to my amom, too, I've felt pulled between my mom's since day 1 of reunion. Neither of them consciously wanted to put me in the middle, but I was, and that still messes with me. Not in a victim mindset sort of way, but in an (as an adult, I've learned that healthy adults don't do this). There needs to be lateral respect between amom, bmom, and adult adoptees. This is why it is imperative for every person in the adoption triangle to be in therapy.

We don't know the extent of our birthmother or adoptive mother's pain they've experienced. You're right in validating their pain while at the same time setting boundaries for yourself. Be cautious in moving forward in your relationship with your birthmother if there is a noticeable toxic trait that she brings to the relationship. Also check yourself, are you doing what is best for you, the adult Adoptee? Or, are you still trying to gain the love and acceptance you have subconsciously and relentlessly sought since you were relinquished as a baby? Adoptive parents and birth parents can never truly understand what it's like to be the product of adoption. For example , to be the baby who was sold and bought by parents who had not yet grieved the fact they could not have their own biological children. To also be relinquished by a person who was either forced into this situation, or did not understand the consequences and thought adoption was the best option. Some of these children byproducts of adoption grow up feeling as though they never truly belong, to anything. No matter what you do, it's engrained at relinquishment, we don't belong to anyone, we must learn how to self soothe, and mask, oh the masking. It's heartbreaking, because as badly as these now grown adult Adoptees want to have healthy relationships, it's dang near impossible because of the inability to bond with others in the way most people are introduced to as they enter this world. When our infant bonds are severed, that trauma lives in the body, subconsciously coming out in ways we may or may not be aware of. Adoption can really f*** up adoptees, and we don't usually figure this out until halfway through life. Everyone has a different path, but when commonalities become prevalent and research shows how being relinquished as an infant impacts adult Adoptee relationships, it is imperative that we dig deeper to better understand as opposed to slough this off as nothing. As an adoptee in my 40s, I can say with 100% honesty that being adopted has brought challenges to me in adulthood that impact relationships and have revealed how detrimental the impact of adoption can be on adoptees. I've put in many many hours to heal the first wound, the severed bond, it is painful and I'm still working through that. Accepting that some of us will never be able to fix certain aspects of our personalities because of the depth of that primal wound is painful. It doesn't feel fair, and it's not. But we also need to take into account that our adoptive parents and birthparents experienced both pain and joy that led to adoption, and the life lived thereafter. It is hard to adequately describe what this side of the triangle feels like. One way would be to say that being an adult adoptee is like being dropped into a warzone with no weapons, no tools, and noone to have your back. Adoptees have to learn how to not let that feeling rule their lives. Some adoptees just shove that feeling down and act like nothing ever happened. Some adoptees end up having significant mental health challenges, and some even, well lookup the percentage of known serial killers that were adopted. Whoever sold adoption as this beautiful solution to an unwanted problem failed big time. While the warzone analogy may seem dramatic, even though we adoptees were raised by our adoptive parents, in my case, I never felt like I truly belonged to either my adoptive or bio family, the damage was already done on day one. Even if I convince myself otherwise, I know that little me felt like I was flying solo through this life. Even now, I love isolation and sometimes I have to force myself to interact with people. There's a stigma that Adoptees are narcissistic by default. First, that's horrible, and if you're not a psychiatrist, do not diagnose your adoptee as a narcissist, that is in itself narcissistic, though investigating the data, we see that the commonalities that cause narcissistic behaviors are more significant in those who have been adopted due to the severed primal bond. Man, if only we had this data 45 years ago. At least moving forward, open adoptions are more common and mental health resources have increased. Now we work on the stigmas, and on ourselves as individuals.