Why the inconsistant contact?

Hi ULTREA, I am sorry you are hurting. Reunion is tough - for everyone - and it is a long and winding road. Have you read the book, "Coming Home to Self" by Nancy Verrier? If you haven't, I highly recommend it. It will give you great insight into the mind of an adoptee. I felt like she wrote the book just for me (I am the bdaughter in reunion with her bfather). This information my be helpful to you also (regarding the stages of Reunion): RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION

(Author Unknown) Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion. HONEYMOON STAGE: Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each others life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts. Preoccupation with other party Minor negotiations about relationship, ie. What to call birth parent Some uncertainty about place or role in otherҒs life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members TIME OUT STAGE: One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation SHOWDOWN STAGE: Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents DISENGAGEMENT STAGE: Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great SOLIDIFYING STAGE: Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge "Birthright," author (and reunited adoptee) Jean Strauss writes about the stages of reunion 1.) FANTASY: This begins at a very young age for the adoptee. Fantasies are hard to avoid when there's so little info to go on; some are positive, some negative. Fantasies are not limited to the adoptee; bmoms have them. Conscious awareness of fantasies are limited and may not surface until long after reunion is underway. Key: Fantasies are forever changed and altered by the realities of stage #2....First Encounters. 2.) FIRST ENCOUNTERS: Every encounter is different; most are civil; it's a highly charged time of massive amounts of shared information; questions are finally answered; people ride on a euphoric high for days or weeks or months; but after all the questions are answered, then what? Who are we to each other? Where do we go from here? How do I incorporate you into my life? The third phase of the reunion begins with these questions. 3.) THE MORNING AFTER: First encounters can be super intimate, but when everything settles down, bfamily members can find themselves feeling as if they've just slept with a total stranger. In the roller coaster ride analogy, this is the *big drop down* and is unexpected. Bfamily members are blood relations, but socially and experientially strangers to each other. Differences are discovered and magnified (backgrounds, memories, values, religions, beliefs, etc.). This stage can have varying lengths depending on the individuals involved. It's a time of examining expectations and struggling with defining the new relationships being formed. Feelings are confusing, complicated and surprising. These emotions can escalate and become overwhelming and paralyzing. When this happens, people often put up walls and back away. This begins stage four: Limbo. 4.) LIMBO: It's one side who pulls away, leaving the other side to "tread on eggs" wondering what's happening; adoptee or bmom can step back, but it's rare for both to want distance; many, many issues are at the forefront. Key: When a person chooses limbo, what is really going on? Processing. Person needs time to sort out new emotions, work through the past, decide what he/she wants to have happen, set boundaries and define the relationship. Making demands on the person choosing limbo for a greater, closer relationship may only serve to widen the gap between adoptee and bmom. 5.) RECONCILIATION: Final stage without a definitive starting point; can start years after the first encounter; this is a solitary experience. Bmom and adoptee confront issues, deal with losses, and move on. Decisions are made about how the new person will be assimilated; choice may be made to have an ongoing relationship or continue on alone. Problems arise when the two sides choose different paths. This phase is continual and includes setting goals.