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Thanks so much Kathleen for this information. I will do some more reading from the books you suggested. I have been avoiding Primal Wound for some reason - now I know why!
I did write a short email to my daughter stating that I would like to understand her better and mentioned that I have been offended by a few things and she actually called me to apologise. I was very surprised. We had a long talk and I think we have sorted out a way to move forward. The problem is we have only met half a dozen times so we don't know each other very well. She told me she has had counselling in the past for a number of issues and feels that for her the issues have all been dealt with well. She would like to have a friendship with me. She mentioned her amother has made it incredibly hard during the last 2 years because of her emotional response to my daughter actually finding me and starting contact. I know her amother wasn't prepared for it (we have written to each other) and so there is a barrier of guilty/loyalty for my daughter which inhibits how much time we spend together at the moment. I can understand she is caught in the middle, time will tell - it's frustrating mostly.
I find it hard to meet her for a few hours catch up then not see or hear from her for months. She explained that by saying that is just her personality and she doesn't keep in constant touch with her own family and sometimes doesn't talk to friends for weeks. I will just have to accept that is the way she is and get over my disappointment and try not to feel like I'm on the fringes of her life at the moment. To be honest, this reunion has been my main focus for over 2 years and I think we all need to settle and relax a bit. I need to find balance within myself too. I think communication is really the key and being willing to openly talk and listen to each other with understanding. Thanks again so much for all your help forum members.