Why the inconsistant contact?

ULTREA, I’m not an adult adoptee but a birthmother with a degree in psychology who has listened to hundreds of adult adoptees in reunion. I don’t think there is much you can do unless she is willing to educate herself in order to understand the adoption experience from the side of the birthmother. There’s a large amount of adoption literature that she can read. If she has access to the academic databases, she can read the research studies. There’s no excuse for anyone to remain in the dark on the psychological effects of the separation of mother and child. She needs to be open to self-scrutiny and self-understanding as well, examining how she has processed being relinquished. The big problem here is there is a tendency to misinterpret the data. Feeling rejected because one was relinquished and actually being rejected are two different things. Feelings of being unwanted, unloved and abandoned, when left unresolved for years to fester and grow, distort social perception and healthy interactions with others. These negative emotions lead to anger, resentment and bitterness, which are destructive to relationship building. If she blames you for abandoning her, then it’s likely she feels justified in her anger toward you. You feel treated like a dog because she’s got you in the dog house. You gave her up. You don’t deserve the time of day. Be thankful for the scraps you get because birthmothers are the scourge of the earth. "I would NEVER give up my child!" That’s the mindset of those trapped in misdirected anger. There is nothing you can do but hope that someday she is willing and able to lay aside what some have called "adoptee rage." Has she had therapy? Met with other adoptees in group sessions or talked to birthmothers over the Internet? There are avenues she can take to better understand herself and you, moving toward a healthy, mature relationship with you that’s built on mutual respect. Hopefully that’s the course she’ll take.