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I would guess that it isn't attachment disorder. She may be depressed. SHe's lost. No one is in control and she doesn't really know how to let them be anyway. Well, and then people are trying to get her to act like a 4th grader (at best).
I would approach her and her situation COMPLETELY differently. I did substitute teaching (ended up preferring high school) and we've had a couple teens (not many) other than our own two basically grown children (almost 18 and 20).
I would aim to work WITH her, treating her as old as possible. She is very likely to step up if given the chance. As for being unreasonable when you do try to be reasonable? A lot of that sounds like a defense mechanism. If she knows you are trying to find a way to give her the freedom she wants, she'll slowly let up.
*I* would apologize to her, stating much like you did here that you've never been the parent of a teenager; but would like to work with her if she'll give you a chance. I would tell her that you need her to let you know when you're screwing up, that you'd appreciate her doing it gently though because you really are trying. BTW, *I* had to do this with a 4yo who really did have attachment issues.
I would consider doing this conversation over pizza or starbucks or whatever.
Anyway, then I would tell her that she was right. If a kid can make a sandwich at six, they certainly can at 13. Tell her why it worries you. Come up with a game plan on how y'all can work out that issue. For example, a fire concern would be tops, I would think. Okay, so lay out the scenario and see if she knows what to do. If not, help her know what to do. But really, 13yos run households, she can make a sandwich.
Okay, so bedtime....I allow kids, about 6th grade, to start working out their own bedtime. THis is what my mom did with me and what I've done with bio and foster kids. Basically, school is going to require most kids to get up at a certain time. The kid needs to work out when to go to sleep to meet their own sleep needs. It would be fine to have an upper limit with a child not used to doing this; but this may not be the issue you want to start with. She is used to managing this herself and has for a long time. She isn't going to understand why it needs to be your way now when it was just fine for years. *I* wouldn't touch this one for now EXCEPT to do things like picking up cell phones at 9pm and password/time locking the wi-fi at that time also. She is much more likely to go to bed if she isn't FBing or texting all night. IF sleep is an issue for her, you might suggest something like 1-3mg of melatonin to help her get to sleep. If she is on medication, you may also speak to her doctor to see if the sleep issues (as well as certain behaviors such as aggression) are related to unmedicated issues or medication side effects.
Okay, so going out by self....I would say that with this too you need to find a way to let her. Tell her that this is what you want and the two of you can brainstorm some ideas. Obviously, if she can call/text you with her location when she changes location or who she is with, this would be ideal. If you are doing the cell phone bill, you can get a tracking device also. I would let her know that this is for her safety and to build trust between you. Again, be super gentle, you're on her side, make it all about that you are inexperienced and just want to do it right and need her help. But in the meantime, you're also meeting her needs on levels she wants and doesn't necessarily care for. Another thing on this one is meeting friends as she makes them.
Same with staying home alone. 13yos are often babysitting, running households while parents work, etc. It is unreasonable to think she can't do so. SO what do you need to allow her this freedom that most 13yos have and that she has had for years? Texts every so often? Only for X amount of time (again, you need to be reasonable). Only if certain things weren't done?
Anyway, her behavior sounds to me like a kid who has had a bit of upheaval and then expected to behave like a little kid when she hasn't been in a long time.
As for not taking her unless her behavior changes? Well, I think the only way her behavior changes is if you'll take her and work with her. You're going to have to work through all the issues from treating her like the person she is versus a young child to the issues from the hand life has dealt her. She has the RIGHT to be sad, angry, hurt. She will do better when she CAN do better. It is going to take time.
I highly suggest Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control by Heather Forbes. Maybe start with the 2nd book as it has a lot of examples. Empathize A LOT. Discipline (guiding, teaching) is not done IN the moment, but at a later time when everyone isn't upset. Sometimes, it doesn't even NEED to be done. Just like adults know when they messed up, teens do too, so if she knows what TO DO, then you might just let her work on it....and realize it may be slow going.
I hope this helps a little. Think: Empathize, work WITH her, be a safe place, pull rank only when you NEED to. It really does work. She is going to have to find her way in this world. Having you on her side is only going to help. Fighting with her is going to push her away making her feel that no one cares.
Hope any of this helps...