Attachment problems and foster kids

I will say now that have no experience with attachment disorders. She sounds like she is hurt and scared like you mentioned. Parenting a preteen is very different than younger kids, and one who has basically parented herself will be even harder for sure. The great thing about her age is that you can reason with her and talk things out. Try to figure out what she is really capable of, maybe she can use the stove safely, or be in charge of laundry, or whatever. Try explaining that she can used the stove during the day to make lunch (many kids do that by 9 or 10), but at night it can be dangerous to use it, because if left on or something catches fire, then it could be dangerous for everyone in the house. Being home alone would need rules, no using the stove, stay inside with the doors locked, and maybe just for a hour (again not uncommon for that age group). Let her know that these things are privileges, and she needs to show you that she can be responsible and follow the rules, and the more she behaves the more privileges she will get. From now until 18 a parent's job is to help them be complelty self sufficient on their own, and it seems like a lot of time, but it is really not considering all that goes into being an adult. My bio dd is 12, nearly 13, and when I want to talk about behavior or responsibilities we go out for a girls's day just the two of us. We have ice cream, eat lunch at the resturant of her choice, and maybe go for a walk at the park. That takes the 'lecture' out of it, and we chat about many other things during the day with the meat mixed in. This is a hard age, because they want to grow up, but there are still things that they are not capable of making good decisions about. You are doing a great thing for her, and some day she will appreciate it. Can you two go to counseling together to have a third party help you work through these issues?