Advertisements
Advertisements
Viewing Single Post
wren24
...
We're never going to win the battle of convincing her that her mom is wrong or a bad parent.
I think she knows that its ridiculous that her mom let her do certain things but sheҒs also accustomed to being treated by her mom as being almost an adult or her BFF, not a child. Trying to dial her back to age-appropriate things is being met with her being absolutely hateful towards me....
It doesn't sound like attachment issues to me.
I remember getting in quite an argument with my grandmother when I was approx 12 yrs, because she didn't make mac and cheese the "right" way (the way my mom did). So maybe your cousin is in some normal human psychological stage when one's family's way feels like THE right way.
In any case, I would think it would be counterproductive and destructive to your relationship, if you criticize her mother's way of doing things. Especially right now when she is probably grieving and depressed. Losing a mom for 3 yrs would be a long time for any of us, but for a kid three years would sound a lot longer than to older people.
I think she sounds wild and yet very sad. Why doesn't she have friends, school activities, electronics, or something to enjoy?
She is at an age to appreciate music, does she have a favorite singer? To me it sounds like she needs to have something happy in her life, I think I would try to find ways to encourage her, praise her, love her, support her. But you need to remember she has no relationship with you and it will take time for a bond to form.
Does she like horse-back riding, is there a nice safe stable she could take regular lessons at? Horses can be very therapeutic.
It would probably help a lot if her mother would tell her she is in a good place with you and that she wants her to behave and follow your rules. That way she wouldn't have to feel like she is being a traitor if she does start to like you or feel safe with you.
I forget the exact ratio, but books on parenting talk about how we have to say a complimentary thing (a specific detail, not a generalized compliment) a LOT more often than a critical comment. That will be really hard with a wild and rebellious young teen, but I bet she would like to hear something positive. Personally, I think it is terrific that she can prepare her own grilled cheese sandwich! It's terrific she eats (somewhat) healthy food! It is awesome she is smart enough to walk away from confrontation! There is a lot you can find to appreciate about her? Does she actually close the door behind her when she goes out of the house? That could be appreciated! (We had to have a porch built after my daughter keeps not pushing the screen door shut and it tore the frame trying to blow off the house in the wind.)
If you can, try to fill her up with good feelings, I don't know which books they are but I remember reading about foster kids' "buckets" being empty and they need a lot of love to fill them up. A person can handle criticism better when their bucket is full. I think hers is probably bone-dry. Poor kid (annoying for sure, but still, pathetic).