Cant stop crying

This is the story of the night Doc was removed from my care simply because his county worker wanted him moved. I am now trying to get him back through fighting CPS in court. Doc is pre adoptive and his mother asked me to adopt him. The night Doc was taken I had to drive him to a strangers house and drop him off. On that night it was raining very hard. As we made the 30 min drive I reached into the back seat and held his little hand the entire drive. He was silent. That afternoon as I was frantically calling everyone and anyone who could stop the removal of Doc I was stoic in my voice, or tried to be at least with the FFA people. I feared they would think I was a lunatic. In between calls I would wail in my little apartment and Doc would track me with his eyes. At times he would begin to cry simply because I was crying. (Thank god for the neighbor girls coming over to distract him after I bum rushed the three of them and herded them into my living room so they could distract Doc.) As I made phone call after phone call I was torn because I was knew I was missing the last few moments of time with Doc. At 3:45pm I was supposed to have been at the FFA office to hand him over. At 3:45pm I called back to the FFA and said I will not being bringing him in. I had forwarded legal documentation to them showing them that I was entitled to a 7 day written notice of the removal of any child if they were not in danger. Doc was clearly not in any form of danger. He was loved, thriving, and safe. With a single phone call my life was redirected. I went from a very typical foster mother to someone who needed to fight for this baby. At 4:30pm I met with a lawyer at her home office. Doc was asleep in his car seat when we arrived but woke up once we got inside and her dog began to lick his little feet. Doc was wearing a Carters elephant onsies which said I love MommyӔ which was always weird to dress him in. While sitting in the lawyers office, feeding him a bottle, I got a very angry phone call from the CPS social workers supervisor. At that point I had no intention of handing him over to anyone that night because I knew what was taking place was based on retaliation from CPS for having started looking into how to take legal action and get what is called a Do Not RemoveӔ order so that I could fight them and not risk Doc being taken. The CPS social worker had been tipped off to this by the home health nurse who just weeks before had told me she thought that I should fight for him to be kept in my home. As the supervisor threatened to remove my foster license and call the police on me I remained very flat in my tone of voice. Repeating over and over Sir, what you are intending to do is illegal.Ӕ I understand that you may try to take my foster care license but I am also very aware that I am capable of getting another one in a different county.Ӕ I have done nothing to harm this child.Ӕ And he heard the exact same thing from the lawyer who I handed the phone to after he decided to cycle back into the same bull**** for the third time. I left the lawyers office with legal paper work to serve on everyone involved on Monday. CPS used the exact same tactic they always use when making illegal removals of children. They removed Doc on a Friday and late enough into the day that the county courthouse would be closing. My mom had come to my house by this point to take my dog to her house in case I was going to be arrested. By the time I got into the car Doc was asleep again and it was 7:00pm. I pulled to the side of the street under a freeway over pass because it was raining again. Getting out of the car so that I would not wake Doc up I got on the phone with NyD and other FFA workers. While talking to NyD the director of the FFA was on the phone with a very mad CPS supervisor. As far as I know at this time he was threatening to have be arrested for kidnapping. (The very first phone call to my FFA from the CPS social worker at 2:45pm she was threatening to call the police to have them come and take Doc from my house. The ***** knew she was breaking the law.) As it became more and more real that if I did not take Doc to his THIRD foster home I would be arrested. If the police came Doc would have been taken from my house by a stranger and it did not want to put him through this. He needed to be handed over to the newest foster parents by me and not police. I stood under the over pass and agreed to put Doc into what was going to technically be labeled Respite Care.Ӕ From my understanding this was agreed upon by the CPS supervisor and I would go to court on Monday to start to get him back. I stopped crying for that time. I drove home to pack up enough things to get Doc through what I had hoped to be a 72 hour respite placement. My mother was still at my house and I asked her to leave so I could be with Doc alone. By the time we got into the car it was around 7:45pm. I reached into the back seat to hold Docs little chubby hand. I talked to him the entire drive to L&RҒs. Telling him that I am really sorry that I failed him. I was sorry her was going to have to go sleep at someone elses house. That I loved him and would try my ****edest to get him back home. I remember making a continuous effort to drive way under the speed limit to stretch out the moments that I still had him. He was sleep when I unloaded him from the car. I stopped to look at him half way up the driveway. I knocked on L&RҒs front door and was greeted by an older lady who was very cold to me. I felt like she was expecting me to hand him to her at the doorstep. I was sobbing by this time again. Standing in her entry way I could see her husband sitting on the couch next to a blonde headed little boy. I wanted her to invite me in and ask me to sit on her couch. But she did not. She did not speak to me. I had gotten Doc out of his brand new car seat Id bought for him two days before. He was awake and staring into my eyes the exact way he did the his first foster mother then day I was sent to take him from her. (Friday night at 4:45pm. Exact same MO.) He was still as I held him to my chest and tears streamed down my cheeks and onto his hair. I think I stood in the entry way for about 5 minutes with L not saying a word to me and R sat on their couch watching TV, not bothering to look at me. I ran down Doc facts. Telling her he had not had a bath yet tonight and please give him one. ғDoc likes water. He only cries if he needs to be fed. He eats 4 oz every 3 hours. Allergic to dairy based formula. Will only sleep on his stomach. Wakes up at 1am, 3am, and ready for the day to start by 6am. I kissed him on his lips and told him I am so sorry and loved him. His hair was wet when I handed him over to L from my tears landing on his head. I said thank you to L. Turned around and left. Forgetting the car seat I had just bought I turned around and he was sitting on LԒs lap starring at me. I dont know how to do this and I hate my county! It is not getting any easier emotionally.