So I've been asked for input on a situation and honestly don't have a lot in terms of legalities--thought I would throw it out and see what others have to say before I get back to them.
I've been put in contact with a father of six children, all of whom have been adopted. A few weeks ago the wife apparently decided she didn't want to be a mom any more and walked out on the family. The odds that she will come back or want anything to do with the children in terms of visitation/support are slim. The older 3 children already have emotional issues, and are acting out/in (either anger or depression) in response to the situation. The father feels the youngest three are at risk of being overlooked, at best, and victimized by the older children at worst. They are 6, 4, and 2 1/2 and they just finalized on the two youngest 7 months ago (they were adopted out of foster care, the 6 year old was adopted privately). There is no support from extended family on either parents' side. He is pretty isolated apparently, aside from some support from his church group, but nobody who understands the complexity of dealing with children with emotional issues--from what has been described I would guess at least one of the three older children has RAD (perhaps mom didn't just "walk out" but was driven out?). He has asked about the possibility of placing the 3 younger children in another adoptive family privately.
Does anyone know what legalities are involved in finding a private placement for children who were previously adopted, particularly through the foster care system? We are in UT if that makes a difference.
I know my input off the top of my head would be to be cautious about making any decisions this soon after a transition when the family is still in crisis...but if the kids are at risk staying at a home where there are older, emotionally unstable children it may be the best option!
I agree with contacting NACAC as they are always helpful. Is there a Foster and Adoptive Parent support group in his area? Perhaps he could contact his local state representative for assistance to see if they have any ideas? Has he looked into what the local Mental Health Center might offer in services?
This is from the NACAC website which list what is offered in Utah {sorry if you have already seen this}.
[url=http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/stateprofiles/utah.html]NACAC | Adoption Subsidy[/url].
The above page lists who your NACAC representative in that might be able to assist him.
My prayers are with him as he tries to make a decision that will affect each of the members in his family... :(
THANK YOU for posting the link to NACAC. Through them I was able to locate a respite program that provides care for a minimal co-pay. If nothing else at least this will give him some time to focus on himself or a couple of the kids at a time. Hopefully that will help!
hrisme
THANK YOU for posting the link to NACAC. Through them I was able to locate a respite program that provides care for a minimal co-pay. If nothing else at least this will give him some time to focus on himself or a couple of the kids at a time. Hopefully that will help!
Oh that is good news. I hope things work out for this papa and his children.
Please believe me when I say I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just trying to wrap my head around this and it's not working. How is this situation not a total failure for these younger children?
I sincerely believe every word you all are saying about RAD. If a family is knowingly dealing with sexual abuse, physical abuse, or addiction and then decides to have their fifth or sixth child, how is that not wrong? Big difference is that most of the bios we run across get pregnant in three minutes. Adoptions take time. Questions are asked. I find it highly improbable that they were not aware all three of the older children had major issues. Or that the marriage had issues. Say they just wanted to help a kid in need. I see episodes of Animal Cops all the time where hoarders actually believe they are doing the animals a favor, when clearly they have just made the animal's lives worse.
What about the six year old that was privately adopted? Do you really think the bioparents that signed their child over thought that child would be dealing with a dangerous living situation and a mother that walked out on them? What is killing me about this is that it has been less than a year since the last adoptions. Does anyone believe this came out of the blue? These children are paying the price for decisions adults have made.
If you see a mother on the side of the road beating her child, do you stop and give her a business card for anger management, or offer to babysit so she can have a break? Or do you call the cops? These children's lives are undeniably at risk as well as their physical and mental well-being, with one man trying to handle six of them alone. Bad things are already happening. If that is not worth a hot-line call or CPS investigation, I don't know what is.
Also there are RTCs in other states (like mine) who run privately off of donations and accept out of state placements. Im not sure what state youre in, but if you want info to a few goods ones just let me know and i will pm you.
controllnmychaos
I find it highly improbable that they were not aware all three of the older children had major issues. Or that the marriage had issues.
My DH and I never had much conflict in our marriage before kids. I wouldn't say we have a lot now, but it's sure a lot more now than we ever have. But we work through it. We had no clue how our marriage would be impacted because we had never experienced the added stressors to our marriage. Something good can certainly go bad, and it can go bad quickly. We went from managing some challenging behaviors one month with our fs, to being told he needs in patient psych stay just 2 months later. We never dreamed what happened would happen and how it would affect all of our lives and our marriage.
just-breathe
My DH and I never had much conflict in our marriage before kids. I wouldn't say we have a lot now, but it's sure a lot more now than we ever have. But we work through it. We had no clue how our marriage would be impacted because we had never experienced the added stressors to our marriage. Something good can certainly go bad, and it can go bad quickly. We went from managing some challenging behaviors one month with our fs, to being told he needs in patient psych stay just 2 months later. We never dreamed what happened would happen and how it would affect all of our lives and our marriage.
I am sorry you went through a tough time. But you didn't abandon your children. Crack can turn a good person into an addict overnight. But it is not an excuse to let children live in peril.
To this day foster parents have a bad wrap in our society. Just look at how they are portrayed in major movies. All because of the few bad ones. That little Russian boy put international adoption on everyone's lips. In a bad way. Nobody blames the child, just the adults. I'm not saying it is right. But that's how it is.
One thing I do agree on, it probably would be best for the younger ones to get into a stable home as soon as possible, before any more mental damage is done. Or one of them ends up seriously injured or killed.
If local resources are scarce, would it be possible for him to move his family to an area where they are more accessible? Maybe he could call the people who helped find respite care and see if they could recommend a location that would have the resources his children need.
I give the dad a lot of respect for looking out for every one. if he is still looking we would love to talk to you and him about the possibility of taking the younger three. looking forward to hearing from you soon thanks.
madonnabrasseaur@yahoo.com
If anyone know of someone who wants a child removed tell them to contact me. There are to many children getting pushed aside and not loved when neither one of them asked to come into this world. What people don't relize is these children is a gift from God.
God gave them a gift and they just want to throw it away. what will you say when you stand before God.
Contact me I will not judge but will give the child love
timsmithy08@gmail.com
talk to the man and tell him I have raised 6 boys whom are all grown tell him if he feels the need for the 9 or 11 yr old to stay some where eles have him to contact me I am willing to assist all I can
timsmithy08@gmail.com
Well, first you judged in this post.
And second, with the current news (and hopefully most people before that!), people would be plain dumb to just email some stranger and ask them to take their preteens.
hrisme
Found out today that shortly before Christmas one of the older children attempted to burn the house down, resulting in evacuating the entire family in subzero temperatures in the middle of the night. My guess is at this point the father actually fears for his younger children's lives if they remain in the home. Still haven't talked to him personally, so I don't have the full story.
There are numerous RTC options in Utah, but they run thousands of dollars a month in most cases that this family probably doesn't have. To get a child into the state hospital here they have to be an "active threat" to themselves or others, and there has to be beds open. There usually is not. Post adoption support is obviously very limited. There is apparently more in the county I am in than the county they are--at least there is a decent respite care program here. Trying to see if there is any chance of getting the younger ones into a crisis nursery for a couple of weeks. Down here it's possible--up there they don't offer 24 hour care.
I don't know if he feels like he can handle the problems the older children are presenting, probably more of a logistics decision. Who is going to willingly take a 13 year old with RAD vs three young children with apparently no major issues? Not to say they won't develop after this kind of trauma.
And to clarify, while I have had symptoms of RAD myself I have not raised a child with RAD. Only done respite for a maximum of two weeks. Quite honestly, I don't think I could do it without landing in a psychiatric facility myself. My situation wasn't that severe compared to some, but enough that I have some idea of where these kids are coming from. Even then, I can only take so much manipulation and triangulation before I give up myself!
I would be interesting in helping plz email me. I have been a CASA ( court appointed special advocate ) for kids in foster care for years I may be able to help in some way.:happydance: Maybe together we can find a solution because the younger children are being more affected each day they are live with all this going on. I have dealt with kids with RAD and its a full time job.
Tiamariebabey, this thread is over a year old, so I'm sure the situation has been dealt with by now.