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SAHmom
I have no advice, but wanted to offer prayers. Is it possible for the father to get in touch with the SW that did the adoptions to see if she can help?
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controllnmychaos
Aren't foster-adopted children supposed to be looked in on every once in a while?
Lorraine123
Do not blame the parents. In my book, the dad is not noble for doing this. He chose disordered children over his spouse. His wife had to be a loving mother or she would not have gone through what she did. Very sad, but that seems to happen a lot with marriages of RAD parents. These children are such great manipulators and triangulators. You think you have a strong marriage - don't be sure. I read somewhere that 80% of all marriages where the couple adopted an older RAD child fails. This dad needs to determine who can be saved and focus on that. He can't save them all.
I don't think it would be too difficult to find a new home for those younger children. BUT, it seems to me that maybe the displacement should be with the 13yo in question. If all other children can manage through with dad and therapy, why disrupt the littles for the 13yo. Not saying to get rid of the 13yo, but, imho, *this* is exactly what CPS should be helping with. Dad can do a voluntary placement of the child with CPS, which will open a case, and then hopefully get the child into RTC through CPS funding.This is one of the biggest reasons I advocate that ALL children adopted from foster care should get MEDICAL period, until they are at least 18. Not to say all medicaid is equal, I understand it varies from state-to-state. Also, if dad contacts SW, they may be able to help arrange respite for the littles until something can happen with the 13yo. Here, they offer respite for bio families, so why not for adoptive families.I'd not be so quick to blame these parents. Children with intense RAD are master manipulators. The child may have waited to show his/her true colors after AFTER they adopted the littles. And, sorry, but managing 3 littles alone is a LOT, but then add on one or two teens, let alone teens with RAD. I'd not be so quick to rule out mom either. It is one thing to leave and try to escape older kids, but the younger ones, she is likely really bonded too. She may just need TIME. Perhaps she can then take the 3 littles and dad keep the 3 older kids with of course visitation and such. Maybe that can give the other child the time they need. I don't think it was mentioned how long the older children have been with the family or adopted. Please pass along our prayers to this poor father. I can only imagine the stress and pain he is in.
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Thanks for all the input...actually a lot more than I expected. I did talk with Dad today & the older kids are 13, 11, and 9. The 13 year old is full blown RAD, sneaking out of the house to meet with boys, lying, stealing, the works. The 9 year old is the one who tried to burn the house down intentionally--put a roll of paper towels in the oven and left it turned on high, luckily there was nothing but smoke SAID he wanted to kill his parents by doing it, and STILL is not considered a risk to himself or others because he didn't actually manage to do it successfully, this time. The 11 year old is seriously depressed bordering on suicide watch--he MAY be able to get into the state hospital if he actually tries to kill himself! This man is basically watching his entire family fall apart. I don't know what mistakes he/she/they made in the past and if they should've, could've, would've done it differently, but nobody deserves this. After a full day of calling around I have determined that there is NOTHING helpful out there that is easily accessible until you pull out the pocketbook--and we're talking a pocketbook with several zeros at the end. Period. End of story. No easily accessible post adoption services, if the adoption is already finalized and they were not written in the subsidy agreement. DCFS gave me a total brush-off. In their county no trained respite care, even PAID respite care! Only a crisis nursery that will take children short term for appointments and such. The only specific program for children with severe behavioral issues only provides services for children under age 5. Since the younger children are not the one with issues that is out. Nothing accessible through the district, that I could find. I can totally see WHY this dad feels like he is out of options. At least in this county we have a respite program specifically focused on providing care for families who adopted out of foster care and a crisis nursery that can take children for up to two weeks as needed. And no, I can't get them into the program since they are not in the county!!!So I think I've done pretty much all I can do, for now. Short of volunteering to take the little ones myself, and don't think it hasn't crossed my mind! Not at all possible where I am at in my life right now, unfortunately. I did pass on the info for CHASSK. At least that's something for him to look at if he does decide to go with a disruption. I would love to see that avoided, but really have no idea where else he can turn!
Oh my! That is so heartbreaking. I just don't get it. I guess I won't complain about my state. As bad as it is, we do have PASSS for post adoption assistance. Is he a member of a church or anything? Maybe he could get some assistance that way? We'll pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to give "services" to bio parents who refuse to admit what most of us know, they not only are incapable of raising children, but do NOT want to, yet we can't pay to assist a father who has adopted some of these child. We can't afford to pay to help the kids?! It is infuriating. HRISME, has he tried to contact your states NACAC rep? When i contacted mine for Chubbs' AA negotiation, he was working with a family to try and renegotiate subsidy. Maybe they can help?[url=http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/stateprofiles/utah.html]NACAC | Adoption Subsidy[/url]
I agree with contacting NACAC as they are always helpful. Is there a Foster and Adoptive Parent support group in his area? Perhaps he could contact his local state representative for assistance to see if they have any ideas? Has he looked into what the local Mental Health Center might offer in services? This is from the NACAC website which list what is offered in Utah {sorry if you have already seen this}. [url=http://www.nacac.org/adoptionsubsidy/stateprofiles/utah.html]NACAC | Adoption Subsidy[/url]. The above page lists who your NACAC representative in that might be able to assist him. My prayers are with him as he tries to make a decision that will affect each of the members in his family... :(
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hrisme
THANK YOU for posting the link to NACAC. Through them I was able to locate a respite program that provides care for a minimal co-pay. If nothing else at least this will give him some time to focus on himself or a couple of the kids at a time. Hopefully that will help!
Please believe me when I say I am really not trying to be difficult. I am just trying to wrap my head around this and it's not working. How is this situation not a total failure for these younger children? I sincerely believe every word you all are saying about RAD. If a family is knowingly dealing with sexual abuse, physical abuse, or addiction and then decides to have their fifth or sixth child, how is that not wrong? Big difference is that most of the bios we run across get pregnant in three minutes. Adoptions take time. Questions are asked. I find it highly improbable that they were not aware all three of the older children had major issues. Or that the marriage had issues. Say they just wanted to help a kid in need. I see episodes of Animal Cops all the time where hoarders actually believe they are doing the animals a favor, when clearly they have just made the animal's lives worse. What about the six year old that was privately adopted? Do you really think the bioparents that signed their child over thought that child would be dealing with a dangerous living situation and a mother that walked out on them? What is killing me about this is that it has been less than a year since the last adoptions. Does anyone believe this came out of the blue? These children are paying the price for decisions adults have made. If you see a mother on the side of the road beating her child, do you stop and give her a business card for anger management, or offer to babysit so she can have a break? Or do you call the cops? These children's lives are undeniably at risk as well as their physical and mental well-being, with one man trying to handle six of them alone. Bad things are already happening. If that is not worth a hot-line call or CPS investigation, I don't know what is.
controllnmychaos
I find it highly improbable that they were not aware all three of the older children had major issues. Or that the marriage had issues.
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just-breathe
My DH and I never had much conflict in our marriage before kids. I wouldn't say we have a lot now, but it's sure a lot more now than we ever have. But we work through it. We had no clue how our marriage would be impacted because we had never experienced the added stressors to our marriage. Something good can certainly go bad, and it can go bad quickly. We went from managing some challenging behaviors one month with our fs, to being told he needs in patient psych stay just 2 months later. We never dreamed what happened would happen and how it would affect all of our lives and our marriage.