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I was adopted within my family. My biological mother had me, i went to foster care right after birth, she didn't sign the papers. So she took me home and kept me for 11 month and then gave me to her older brother and his wife.
My adoptive mother had 5 children of her own.. They changed my name from Rachael to Natalie. I have no idea why people do this. Its already hard on a 11 month old child to lose their mother but to be called by a new name is absurd. I feel like its not the adoptive parents worrying about the child attaching it the child being changed so they can attach and I was their niece.
I remember I was very clingy.. I would hold onto my mothers skirt.. (1978) they would wear house dresses..and I was 4 when my adoptive mother turned to me in anger, slapped my hand away and said,"Stop grabbing onto my skirt! You are always under my feet! I wish we never adopted you!"
I remember the spite and the hate that was on her face. I asked my grandfather when my grandparents came to visit what adoption was and he told me who my mother was. They thought my grandfather was the one that broke the adoption news but it was her own hatred that did she just didnt remember.
As I got older I did everything wrong, I even laughed wrong, i talked to much, i wasnt like the other children. She talked about my mother like she was a whore that cursed all the time.. That I acted just like her.. My older sister who 13yrs old when adopted protected me a lot and I remember her arguing with our mother and I remember our mother saying," If you dont like it why dont you leave and take that whore baby with you."
I remember her beating me for breaking a candy dish to the point I lay on the ground and lost consciousness. My older brother thought she had killed me.
I remember how much I loved her but I was so worried about upsetting her, my father was kind and when he got home from work i remember jumping on his lap and just bring held. She had my youngest brother 4yrs after I was adopted. They now had 7 children. My fathers attention was less I remember my mother complaining that he showed me to much and I am sure she needed help with the infant.
She used to lock me and one of my older brothers outside all day, We would drink out of the hose. His twin got to stay inside because she said he was helpful and not a hindrance. So it wasnt just me she chose favorites with her own children.
Abuse went on for years, the beatings got worse..beaten with a deep frying pan because I didnt wash it good enough and her taking the grease and shoving it in my mouth was the last time she touched me because I told the therapist and the next thing I know they took me out to dinner and then to a state park. They told me I was going to live with my Aunt (My biological mothet) I said,"For the summer?" They said,"No for the rest of your life." I begged and pleaded to be better to be whatever they wanted. I sobbed..
A few weeks later I was dropped off at my Mother's 1 bedroom duplex. They gave me the picture album, and that was it.. My brothers and sisters were not allowed to contact me, my parents didnt contact me.. When I was a few years older I saw my siblings away from my adopted parents. They were not allowed to call me their sister or brother. Only cousin. I see them at family functions.. I was told that I needed to forgive and get over it.
Can anyone tell me how does a child get over the loss of her family? How does a child get over being discarded like her life didnt mean anything, how can a child ever really trust.. When the people that were supposed to protect and love her destroyed that.
I was married and of course I was young. I have two children of my own whom I love but I do have to force myself to hug and to pet. Its not something that was ever done to me. .
In my extended family the failed adoption caused a major riff between my biological mother, her brother (my adopted father), their 2 sisters, and brother. All of that is still an open wound and I am the reminder. Its a rippling effect of shit that all comes back to me.. So I have decided to give them all up for adoption. I decided to give them all away and I basically washed my hands of dealing with any of it. I will say this to any Adult who adopts a child. Its not about you. When you sign those papers your only job is to love. Your only job is to nurture and build and teach them how to be decent human beings and parents. If they never love you, hug you, have emotional issues, ect. Deal with it with emotional intelligence. We are not dogs from a shelter, we dont need to be renamed, we dont need to conform to what you want us to be... So think long and hard because your actions effect the innocent (the adoptees) who never had a choice. The lonliness and despair and not being loved is the greatest form of poverty a child can endure.
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I was adopted within my family. My biological mother had me, i went to foster care right after birth, she didn't sign the papers. So she took me home and kept me for 11 month and then gave me to her older brother and his wife.
My adoptive mother had 5 children of her own.. They changed my name from Rachael to Natalie. I have no idea why people do this. Its already hard on a 11 month old child to lose their mother but to be called by a new name is absurd. I feel like its not the adoptive parents worrying about the child attaching it the child being changed so they can attach and I was their niece.
I remember I was very clingy.. I would hold onto my mothers skirt.. (1978) they would wear house dresses..and I was 4 when my adoptive mother turned to me in anger, slapped my hand away and said,"Stop grabbing onto my skirt! You are always under my feet! I wish we never adopted you!"
I remember the spite and the hate that was on her face. I asked my grandfather when my grandparents came to visit what adoption was and he told me who my mother was. They thought my grandfather was the one that broke the adoption news but it was her own hatred that did she just didnt remember.
As I got older I did everything wrong, I even laughed wrong, i talked to much, i wasnt like the other children. She talked about my mother like she was a whore that cursed all the time.. That I acted just like her.. My older sister who 13yrs old when adopted protected me a lot and I remember her arguing with our mother and I remember our mother saying," If you dont like it why dont you leave and take that whore baby with you."
I remember her beating me for breaking a candy dish to the point I lay on the ground and lost consciousness. My older brother thought she had killed me.
I remember how much I loved her but I was so worried about upsetting her, my father was kind and when he got home from work i remember jumping on his lap and just bring held. She had my youngest brother 4yrs after I was adopted. They now had 7 children. My fathers attention was less I remember my mother complaining that he showed me to much and I am sure she needed help with the infant.
She used to lock me and one of my older brothers outside all day, We would drink out of the hose. His twin got to stay inside because she said he was helpful and not a hindrance. So it wasnt just me she chose favorites with her own children.
Abuse went on for years, the beatings got worse..beaten with a deep frying pan because I didnt wash it good enough and her taking the grease and shoving it in my mouth was the last time she touched me because I told the therapist and the next thing I know they took me out to dinner and then to a state park. They told me I was going to live with my Aunt (My biological mothet) I said,"For the summer?" They said,"No for the rest of your life." I begged and pleaded to be better to be whatever they wanted. I sobbed..
A few weeks later I was dropped off at my Mother's 1 bedroom duplex. They gave me the picture album, and that was it.. My brothers and sisters were not allowed to contact me, my parents didnt contact me.. When I was a few years older I saw my siblings away from my adopted parents. They were not allowed to call me their sister or brother. Only cousin. I see them at family functions.. I was told that I needed to forgive and get over it.
Can anyone tell me how does a child get over the loss of her family? How does a child get over being discarded like her life didnt mean anything, how can a child ever really trust.. When the people that were supposed to protect and love her destroyed that.
I was married and of course I was young. I have two children of my own whom I love but I do have to force myself to hug and to pet. Its not something that was ever done to me. .
In my extended family the failed adoption caused a major riff between my biological mother, her brother (my adopted father), their 2 sisters, and brother. All of that is still an open wound and I am the reminder. Its a rippling effect of shit that all comes back to me.. So I have decided to give them all up for adoption. I decided to give them all away and I basically washed my hands of dealing with any of it. I will say this to any Adult who adopts a child. Its not about you. When you sign those papers your only job is to love. Your only job is to nurture and build and teach them how to be decent human beings and parents. If they never love you, hug you, have emotional issues, ect. Deal with it with emotional intelligence. We are not dogs from a shelter, we dont need to be renamed, we dont need to conform to what you want us to be... So think long and hard because your actions effect the innocent (the adoptees) who never had a choice. The lonliness and despair and not being loved is the greatest form of poverty a child can endure.
Only way I would consider renaming a child would be if the child would be in danger if the birth parents could easily find them, (a situation that would be very extreme and typically would be more likely t happen with a child from the foster system) or in the case of a child WANTING TO CHOOSE their own name as a fresh start in life. Having been through some of the experiences I hablen through actually considered legally changing my name completely, but instead tend to just use an abbreviated version of my name for everything but legal documents and as I have since gotten remarried I already have a different last name. Seeing my old last name was a painful reminder and even my first name felt tied to all the pain of my past, but I was not sure my family would understand my name change completely, so I opted for mostly using Yve instead of Yvonne and having the new last name my family has accepted for the most part that I prefer to go by Yve and addresses me accordingly. It is a matter of giving a child the OPTION to CHOOSE as so many times choices are taken away from them giving them a voice is important. I honestly would be very reluctant to change the name of a young child who was not able to voice their own name choices because, why for the same reason that I was reluctant to change the name of the dog I adopted from the Humane League. I did not know how well that dog knew it’s name or how l it had been called by it. However, calling her by a different name might prove confusing and make it hard for her to know when she is being communicated with and if for some reason I would choose to make a change, If it were not a name I could not pronounce or for some reason could not bear to use, ( or in the case of a child whose name might blend with my last name in a way that would subject him or her to ridicule from cruel peers) I would only consider a name as close as I would be able to pronounce to the original name so as not to cause confusion or lack of Identity. How much moreso should a child who has learned his or her own name be given at least as much respect as one would give a dog and one would hope even more respect.
I am sorry you were expected to respect parents who clearly had no respect for you and your feelings. If one of my brothers were to bring me one of their children to raise, I would live that child like I had born him or her myself, would raise them knowing they were loved by all of us, but for whatever reason their parents were not able to raise them but still wanted to make sure they were well loved and taken care of, and I know my husband would too. There are many people who would have loved to be blessed with a child like you whether naturally or through adoption. Please remember that and know that you are a valuable person, who has thoughts and feelings that matter. When struggling to show affection to your children due to the modeling you received, perhaps if you can envision the mother of your dreams, the mother you wish you could have had giving you the hugs and kisses and affection that you so deserved, maybe you will be able to copy that modeling rather than the modeling you saw growing up. Start by telling yourself in the mirror each day until you believe it, “I love you! You are loveable! Your thoughts and feelings matter!” It is something I have begun doing as part of my own healing and some days I believe it more than others, but I believe it allot more than I used to. Then as you have communicated this message to yourself some would call it reparenting yourself) share the message with your children so they grow strong in their sense of personal value so they won’t be as vulnerable to any instances where you may encounter family members that once tore you down. And I know you don’t know me but if you feel you can accept it I am sending you a (((hug))) and a reminder, “You are worthy of love and respect and your thoughts and feelings DO matter!
Last update on October 14, 9:23 pm by Yve Brown.
This is from the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. First, I'm sorry for those of you that had parents with no maternal or paternal instincts. I'm single parent adopter. I adopted 2 sets of brothers: L, came home at 6, his bio brother, P, came home as 12 and J and B came home a year later at 8 and . P was 2 therapies as he was the victim of SA by bf. J and B had multiple placements so they were put in talk therapy. One problem is both sets of brother had bio family not far from where we lived. That made the situation raw. I read about trauma therapy on the predecessor to this site and looked into it. The therapist J was seeing was versed in EMDR and he would get that. It took me while to get B into trauma therapy. The problem is both J and B are still healing and now teenagers so that's all thrown together. Also, I'm older and I don't have the patience I did when they were younger. I am proud to say P graduated high school and is now enlisted. L is looking for a job; he has a learning disability so his options are more limited. J and B both messed up school last year and are getting back on track. B is on probation but he's doing what has to be done. I do agree that adoption is for the kids but it's not as easy as one may think.
This is from the viewpoint of an adoptive parent. First, I'm sorry for those of you that had parents with no maternal or paternal instincts. I'm single parent adopter. I adopted 2 sets of brothers: L, came home at 6, his bio brother, P, came home as 12 and J and B came home a year later at 8 and . P was 2 therapies as he was the victim of SA by bf. J and B had multiple placements so they were put in talk therapy. One problem is both sets of brother had bio family not far from where we lived. That made the situation raw. I read about trauma therapy on the predecessor to this site and looked into it. The therapist J was seeing was versed in EMDR and he would get that. It took me while to get B into trauma therapy. The problem is both J and B are still healing and now teenagers so that's all thrown together. Also, I'm older and I don't have the patience I did when they were younger. I am proud to say P graduated high school and is now enlisted. L is looking for a job; he has a learning disability so his options are more limited. J and B both messed up school last year and are getting back on track. B is on probation but he's doing what has to be done. I do agree that adoption is for the kids but it's not as easy as one may think.
Not easy, but also would definitely not consider that a failed adoption as you have not given up on them but have advocated for them to get the help they need.
I can relate to what you've been through and the fact that the media shoves false narratives about adoption is really disgusting. It's not uncommon at all to be placed with abusers. I was placed into a violent and alcoholic home with a mother who is a sociopath. She abused me in every way she could. Reliving the nightmares in therapy sent me into a nervous breakdown. The problem is greed and corruption within the child welfare system.
Hello Everyone,
I am new to this site. I recently started therapy at the age of 25 and needless to say it was long overdue.
I want to share my story and hear what other adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents think. I want to start by saying I have a huge amount of respect for everyone involved in an adoption process. My story is not meant to attack anyone. It's my experience and as I continue my therapy I would love to use this as another source of recovery. One of my biggest reasons for sharing this is that I have not come across any support groups for my situation in own city. If you search " failed adoption " what pops up in support for parents who's adoption process who did not work out. I have found very little material on what is going on through the childs head.
Here goes-
My biological brother and I were adopted at the ages of 4 and myself 8 years old. We were adopted after spending years in and out of foster care because our birth family struggled with addiction. My brother was blessed with being young enough that our adoption was a clean slate for him. He was to be raised by two people that would be the only parents he would ever know. I had seen too much, been through too much in my first eight years. I had an abusive birth father and a mother who was so involved with her addiction that we were frequently pulled in the middle of the night to be put into various foster homes.
We met our adoptive parents in the fall of 1995. I can't recall exactly what I was feeling, other than I was excited at the thought of living in a lovely home with these " nice " people. They took my brother and I on fun weekend outings before we were able to actual live with them and we were able to meet the people that would be our family members. Eventually we were placed in their care. I left the horrible foster home behind and settled into my new life. I was told later on in life that they had chosen adoption because my adoptive mother had fertility problems and was not able to have children.
We had problems right from the start.
I had not had adults in my life showing me consistent love and care and I did not know how to handle a new " mom " and " dad " . I was acting out in many ways. In desperate need of attention, even if it was negative. I remember one of our first issues was my constantly feeling sick. I would spend most of my days at school with the school nurse. I did not know how to properly socialize with children my age.
About a year later I had my last visit with my birth mother before we were to be legally adopted . I again dont remember what I was feeling. I dont think I understood what this meant. I was 9 years old. My birth family gave me a huge photo album that would remain on my shelf for years at my new home.
The following years brought out repressed feelings from me. I was still acting out. I was either mad and argumentative or in wild need of love. I started to lie to my adoptive parents about things that were just not necessary. It seemed that I had taken on bad traits that I had seen from my birth family without even knowing it. My adoptive mother was a teacher and schoolwork became a big issue. I was either 100% into school or not at all depending on how I felt and how things were at home. She was an extreme perfectionist and this caused major problems.
During this time I overheard my adoptive mother discussing whether or not she could send me back . Needless to say , I had a problem taking to her after this. She assumed I should be happy. She herself was raised by a family other than her birth family. She used to say " I was so grateful for what I was given, why can't you be ?"
At this point my adoptive parents had no idea what to do to motivate me. There form of punishment was for the most part shutting me off from everyone and anything for years. I was allowed to go to school and be in my bedroom. I did not see friends for many many years other than at school. I was not allowed to watch any tv in our family room. I had to do what they said when they said it. I was not an individual at all.
This was backfiring because it only made me more distant. I didn't know how to voice the pain I was in. I was never put in therapy. The 8 years prior to them knowing me were a big mystery they never asked about.
As I got older I became curious about my birth family and I went searching for any paperwork that may be related around my house. They were not having this. They established a rule that I was not allowed around the house unless they were home. When I got home from school I had a key to our basement that I had to stay in until someone else came home. They were helpless and I was helpless.
In highschool things remained the same. It was a constant battle between us. One that was only dealt with by punishing me. I was so lost and hurt all the time. My grades were either straight A's or F's. There was no happy in between with anything in our household.
When my highschool graduation was nearing, I was so detached from our relationship that I chose to move out right away. An incredibly silly move on my part but at the time I needed to be away from them. Far far away.
I was so emotionally damaged that I couldn't get my life in order. I was only 17 and had no clue how to live on my own. I was living on a small savings I had and being reckless.
We emailed every so often.The older I got and looked for a healing process the more angry I got with them for not seeing clear signs of how badly I needed help . I read countless books on the signs of child abuse and what to expect from a child of addicts. I was the poster child. The more I tried to talk it out with them the further away they went. They said they would only see me and talk to me if I mailed them a pay stub every single week I worked. In there eyes this meant I was being a proper adult and worthy of their attention.
4 years ago when I had turned 21 I received an unprompted email from them . They told me that they considered this a failed adoption and did not wish to have me a part of their life anymore. They said they hadn't connected with me as a child and that it had become impossible to try to have one with me as an adult. They said that my brother would have to decide what to do with a blood relative. Wished me the best and that was it.
Over the years I have found some healing on my own. I had to try to forgive myself and not carry guilt with me all the time. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for years now who is a great support system. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
The big question on everyones mind is how could my adoptive parents choose to just give up.
Many of my adoptive relatives are in touch with me. Upon hearing this they shared with me that they always thought my adoptive mother had no maternal instinct and had always been cold to me. When people hear about this I have always said , " you dont understand how hard I made it for them " with great sadness. The response I receive 100% of the time is that parents dont give up. You love your child no matter what.
There are so many variables here. Present day I have no family but have a huge open heart that is aching for someone to love me. I think I still dont quite understand what it would mean to have a family , but i'm aware of its absence. I have not been able to see my dear brother in over 8 years because they would not allow it.
I have grown up. I am a trustworthy, caring, loving person. I have a great job I work hard at. A stunning apartment in a beautiful neighborhood. And most of all , I have a healthy lifestyle. I thank my lucky stars I was never tempted as my birth family was by drugs or alcohol.
My therapist is working with me in finding self worth and realizing I am worthy of love. It is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around.
I want whoever reads this to know that I am not bad mouthing my adoptive parents. I am looking for some understanding. I wish with all my heart I could have known how to be a good loving kid. It just wasnt in the cards for me.
I hope no one ever has to feel this pain.
I have to be an optimist though.
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