Advertisements
Im not sure if im starting this thread in the right category or not, so if there is a different place for this please let me know..
I have always wanted to adopt. When I was a little girl and would play with dolls, even then i always said my baby was adopted. Im not sure what it is, but the only way i can see myself as a mother is through adopting a child.
My husband does not feel the same way. He wants a child of his own. I understand where he comes from but i feel so lost because i do not want that at all. This is the only, and seems to be the most important, thing that we have ever disagreed about, and it is odd for me since we always come up with middle ground. there is no such thing as middle ground here. Its hard for me to talk about it with him because i just end up crying. Can anyone offer any advice? I feel so sad and so lost. I want to give the gift of life to a child that maybe wouldnt have one. That would mean more to me than anything. My heart is truly saddened by this. I have never felt so sad about something.
any words of advice would help. Thank you.
Like
Share
Welcome to the boards, you'll find a lot of helpful information here and just about any issue there will be someone who has been there and done that (BTDT) -
You might also want to copy and cross post this same question under the general Foster Care & Adoption area, that seems to get the most action.
Although I am adopting as a single mom, I understand about always wanting to adopt and not having the need to give birth.
Are you looking to straight adopt or would you consider fostering also? Infant only or older?
Hopefully there will be someone who can share there experience with this issue. There are a few men on these boards too, so there tends to be good all around support and advise - often if no advise at least empathy and support in knowing that others care.
Advertisements
I would try "general adoptive parent support" or "getting started" under the Adoptive Parents section. There have been other similar posts over there, and people with similar experiences.
I am a single adoptive mom, so I didn't have the same experience. However, a couple of things jumped out at me from your post. The first was the part about wanting to "give the gift of life to a child that maybe wouldn't have one". It sounds like you are talking about situations where the emom would choose abortion, but chooses to carry a pregnancy to term because there is a potential adoptive family? I would start off with suggesting an alternative view of the situation. It is unlikely that this will be the case. First of all, many agencies will not match eparents with pap's (potential adoptive parents) that early in a pregnancy. Second, by the time an emom is looking at pap's she has already decided to carry the pregnancy to term. The choice is generally not between abortion and adoption, but between adoption and parenting, by the time an emom is matched with pap's. At one point there are all three options, but most likely, not by the time she is making a choice of pap's. Most of the time, there are plenty of adoptive homes for any child, so it is unlikely that a woman would choose abortion because there were not enough pap's. If that is your primary draw to adoption, you may want to think through the other reasons that adoption interests you.
In terms of discussing it with your husband, have you considered going together to talk to a counselor? Where you are having a hard time talking about it with him without crying, some neutral person to help you look through your thoughts, feelings, and reasons together might be helpful. It is also possible that your husband doesn't know a lot about adoption or has inaccurate facts that lead him to a negative view. Then again, he may have a good understanding and very valid reasons for feeling that way. I would say that if he doesn't think he see a child he adopted as "his own child" then he is right not to adopt, because no child deserves to be second-best or a compromise. However, until you are really able to explore these issues together, neither of you will know for sure.