We are a new foster/adopt family and are waiting on our first placement. We have been submitted for 2 siblings groups in state and found out today we are being considered for both of them (we could only take 1 set right now)- just waiting to hear if we are "chosen" for either. The first sibling group are 2 brothers- 5 years and 15 months. The second sibling group is a 6 year old boy and 5 year old girl.
Both are healthy (relatively speaking) but we have not yet had a disclosure meeting for either but have basic information provided by their SW.
Our Bios are 6 (girl) and 2 (boy). We initially did not think taking a girl the same age or older than our daughter was a good idea, but the sibling group of a boy and girl are adorable and my heart just hurts for them. When we talked to our BD about the possibility of having another girl in Kindergarten, sharing a room, etc. she was thrilled! I know this is a first response and the excitement may wear off once she is sharing her room and toys, but for now she was ecstatic. On the other hand, the other sibling set of boys the youngest boy would be around 9 months from our BS and our BS tends to be VERY jealous with younger children- but LOVES older kids (very much the typical baby of the family)
Any experience with adopting close to the same age and same sex as bios? I would HATE to bring in children and have a lot of resentment/jealousy between our bios and our new children, even though I understand no matter what there is going to be a great deal of transition for everyone. These placements are adoptive placements so the goal for both is adoption.
Any advice/experience is welcomed! :thanks:
We fostered a sibling group of 3 and they were all the same ages as our 3 bios. Rivalry/jealously would be an understatement, more like war zone. It was beyond exhausting.
I would advise against having kids the same age. it means your kids would feel constant pressure. They would share their grade, their birth year, their friends. Though I'm not even a fan of adopting children that displace birth order so I may not be your favorite person to weigh in. Good luck, it's a tough choice.
We go against the norm and will adopt any age even if it changes our family order. As long as it is "safe". I was raised as the oldest of 4 bio kids born in 4 years to the day. My sibling and I were also basically raised with a HUGE extended family. We were raised with cousins almost as close as siblings and both my sisters have cousins the exact same age. My one sister and 3 girl cousins are all born in a period of 2 weeks. They were all raised together including shared classes, campgroups, friends. It's not exactly the same. I can assure you there were many fights, screaming, and drama. Later when my parents started taking in kiddos and almost right from the beginning I ended up being displaced as oldest my freshman year in high school. I am not going to say it was perfect. But honestly life went on. There was fighting but just as much between my bio sisters and I. I can honestly say we were also each others best friends and still are. As adults we get along really well. We love to be together and I really attribute that to being so close in age as children. Don't get me wrong even now there are fights LOL and they can be brutal but they are usually less physical LOL. Honestly, you need to do whatever works for your family. If you think it is a good fit go for it!
Like TNLMommy, I have a lot of direct experience with birth order being disrupted in my own biological family, which makes me willing to do it. I got two older step-siblings when I was 8, which I loved. My parents fostered and while the kids weren't the same age as my teen sister and I, they did disrupt the birth order of my youngest sister, but she found it totally positive and loved having a little sister and a same-aged brother.
I would do it myself - we had a sibling set last summer where one of the children was older than my youngest, the other exactly the same age as my third son, and we would definitely have adopted if it had come to that (they RU'd). That doesn't mean every match will work, but I think it CAN work. There will be battles over this, of course, but I'm not at all convinced that sparing children all conflict is necessarily in their interest myself.
I think a lot of it depends on how important place in your family is to you and your extended family - is "oldest" or "youngest" a big deal here? How do you view these things, because you have probably transmitted some of that thinking to your children.
Thank you all for your input- a lot of great things to think about! We have not made a huge deal about birth order thus far, and actually when I was looking at children on adoptusakids one day our daughter was sitting next to me looking as well and out of the blue she said "mommy, we can adopt a bigger kid, I don't have to be the oldest anymore. The bigger kids need a mommy and daddy too." insert proud, crying mama here!:)
Now, I am well aware that this in no way means that everything would go peachy once and if we were to take the sibling group with a girl her age, but it was heart warming that she came to this conclusion on her own. I want our kids to know that the world does not revolve around them, while they know that we would move heaven and earth for them, I also want them to have a bigger concern for a child without a family than their own birth order, make sense? But, we are also well aware that adopting a sibling group that will mesh well with our family will make for the easiest transition for everyone. At this point , it almost seems that our youngest will have a bigger problem with a baby coming along than our oldest will have with a same age or older sibling.
HeFirstLovedUs, that's exactly why we raised our age range, and I've always been glad we did. Our children pushed us. We pushed back, making sure they understood that this wouldn't be a playdate, that this would be being a family, and that some big things would change. They still wanted to do it, and in all the placements we've had, have never wavered.
We did a *lot* of preparation for my older kids about what fostering would be like, talking about it, imagining situations. We also played the game they play in MAPP class with them where you have to give up all of your favorite things one by one, and then asking them to imagine what happens to kids who have lost all of these things. We talked about conflict resolution, and we also talked a LOT about safety - what kinds of behaviors and actions might require them to tell Mom, or be unsafe.
So far it has been great - I can't promise at some point we won't have a bad situation, but we have LOVED our school-aged placements that disrupted birth order, and every one has been a gift for our kids. We have yet to have a chance to adopt any of them, but we would have adopted all. I think you are right to trust your daughter, even while you make sure she understands. And right to be proud.
For us, our bios were actually really excited to have same age sibblings. It was the foster kids that had huge huge issues because they , ofcourse, needed a lot of attention and on top of that felt like they had to compete for age specific activities, toys, attention, ect. So while YOUR daughter might be peachy with the idea, that little girl coming in might not feel the same way. And I know for my bios that created alot of stress because they felt so rejected.
I think it just depends on the child and their personality. My son struggles some with being competitive with his sister who is the same age. I am so thankful they are not the same gender as it would be much worse. My daughter doesn't' mind it but her personality is very different than my son. My younger son could handle it. The oldest has been very clear that he wants to stay the oldest though, and I choose to respect that.
Farmchick- Those are some good ideas. I have, also, tried to stress with our daughter that it will not be a "sleepover" but a forever sister. She says she understand, but I know it wont hit her until it happens.
These are all good things to think about- thank you alll for sharing your experiences/stories! :thankyou:
I would like to hear an update on this forum. I have recently fostered a child the same age and gender as my bio child and it has been horrible. My bio was excited but the foster child competed for attention 24/7 and caused much stress to my bio. It’s been rough!