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We are having a slight issue with the birthparents of our baby girl and could use some advice.
Our visitation and picture/letter agreements with our adoption agency very plainly state that we are to send 10 pictures and a letter to the agency every 6 months. They, in turn, forward it to the birthmother. Additionally, we will have a visitation with the birth mother once a year.
We have gone beyond this by engaging in Facebook contact, text messages, and a couple of video conferencing visits prior and immediately following our girl's birth. This was all done only after constant and repeated arm-twisting by the birth family. We really had no choice but to agree (our mistake).
However, over the months this is just continuing and we no longer feel comfortable having contact beyond what we agreed to in the contract with the adoption agency. Their incessant text messages and posts about adoption and their "little girl" on Facebook are driving my wife crazy and are a disruption in our lives. It has to stop.
We do not want to sour the relationship and don't want to make our first visitation awkward, but we need a way to tell the birthparents "we respect you but we want to play by the rules now".
Can anyone share any advice in this regard? We want to be respectful, polite, but firm.
First of all, you have every right to whatever feelings you are having about the situation. You also have the right to want whatever you like.
I do agree with those, however, who said that you did have a choice. Basically, you crossed your own boundaries because you wanted the match to continue. That's completely understandable, but it did send mixed messages. It's absolutely understandable that your daughter's bparents would assume that level of contact would continue.
I would suggest, before you have any conversation with her bparents, that you spend some time talking together and possibly with a counselor or someone from your agency. Are you open to any additional contact beyond what you formally agreed to? Although that is your formal agreement, you essentially changed that by agreeing to additional contact, and it is likely to be very hurtful to pull back that far now. What would it be like to stay friends on facebook? As others have said, you can set it to not see their posts in your newsfeed. You can also identify your friends in different categories, so you can always mark them as "acquaintances" (the default setting for your posts is usually "all friends except acquaintances", so if you don't want them to see all your posts, you can mark only those posts you want them to see). Or think of what else you might be comfortable with, if that is not it, and talk about what will fit in your lives.
I will say that I think more frequent contact is, in some ways, easier. My agreement is for pics and a letter every months as well, but I tend to send them more often (of course, I am in a different situation in that I wanted more openness than my son's bparents to start with). However, putting six months into a letter is HARD - it's the little every-day things that I want to share, but I'm trying so hard to sum up his life that it's hard to prioritize.
Good luck. If you're really frustrated and angry, please make sure you get to process this with someone before you talk with your daughter's bparents. They are having their own feelings (which they are also entitled to), so the more you can stay calm, the easier the conversation is likely to go.
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bclay,
So what steps/actions have you taken to make things better since last November when you posted here?
Or are you expecting the family of birth to just realize that you want things to work differently?
Kind regards,
Dickons
As an adoptive parent, I have given leeway that I've had to take back, and I did it very honestly and very matter of factly.
Definitely stop looking at their facebooks. Block them if you have to so you're not tempted. Are you fb friends with them, or have you just been exchanging fb msgs? Explain that you're making your circle of friends smaller if you have to de-friend them so their feelings aren't hurt, etc etc. The next time bps text you, explain that baby girl is keeping you very busy and email/letter (whatever you want) is a better way to reach you.
I think as your child gets older you will not care so much about bm referring to her as "her little girl", because that's what she is. I know it bothered me in the beginning, but absolutely does not bother me in the slightest now. I wouldn't say anything about it, and I think not having SO much contact will help you in this matter.
Good luck. It's hard navigating things in the beginning.
RavenSong
Yes, you did have a choice. You say that the video conferencing calls were made "prior and immediately following" the child's birth. If they made you uncomfortable before the baby was born, you could always have passed on the match and kept looking for another match.
Sorry, I should have made myself more clear.
We agreed to the match, signed all contracts and agreements, well before birth. It wasn't until after these contracts were signed that these requests for Skype and Facebook were made. At this point, we could not back out as we were contractually obligated.
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ruth74
I would suggest, before you have any conversation with her bparents, that you spend some time talking together and possibly with a counselor or someone from your agency. Are you open to any additional contact beyond what you formally agreed to? Although that is your formal agreement, you essentially changed that by agreeing to additional contact, and it is likely to be very hurtful to pull back that far now. What would it be like to stay friends on facebook? As others have said, you can set it to not see their posts in your newsfeed. You can also identify your friends in different categories, so you can always mark them as "acquaintances" (the default setting for your posts is usually "all friends except acquaintances", so if you don't want them to see all your posts, you can mark only those posts you want them to see). Or think of what else you might be comfortable with, if that is not it, and talk about what will fit in your lives.
I will say that I think more frequent contact is, in some ways, easier. My agreement is for pics and a letter every months as well, but I tend to send them more often (of course, I am in a different situation in that I wanted more openness than my son's bparents to start with). However, putting six months into a letter is HARD - it's the little every-day things that I want to share, but I'm trying so hard to sum up his life that it's hard to prioritize.
Good luck. If you're really frustrated and angry, please make sure you get to process this with someone before you talk with your daughter's bparents. They are having their own feelings (which they are also entitled to), so the more you can stay calm, the easier the conversation is likely to go.
Hello Ruth thank you for your kind post. As I clarified earlier, we unfortunately signed all contracts with the agency prior to these additional contact requests. Our agency advised us against it and even told the birth parents it was not a good idea; our birth parents laughed it off and told us to do it anyway. This was during our stay in the hospital with them before our daughter was born and birth mom was about to be induced. Extenuating circumstances, I think.
I agree with you and we had intended in sending pictures and letters far more often than every 6 months - we want them to feel comfortable with their decision in choosing us and want them to know the baby is being well taken care of.
What we're not comfortable with is the level of back-and-forth communication. And yes, we are going to talk to our counselor. The problem is, in the meantime, the birth family keeps requesting to video conference in text messages from both birth mom and birth grandma.
Dickons
bclay,
So what steps/actions have you taken to make things better since last November when you posted here?
Or are you expecting the family of birth to just realize that you want things to work differently?
Kind regards,
Dickons
Hello Dickons,
From January to end of February their contact with us really slowed down after we started regularly sending them pictures and updates about our daughter. However, starting last week the contact has ramped back up and they insist on video conferencing with us again.
bclay,
I feel for your situation. Every adoption is uncharted territory with no great "map" to follow. A lot of times we proceed with trial and error in the relationship building. I see some similarities in our experiences so I'll just share what I did. Within days of coming home from the hospital, we were getting a high volume of calls and texts. At first I felt a sense of obligation to respond or answer immediately if possible because I wanted to reassure our bmom that all was okay and if she was having a hard time, help her feel better if possible. What I realized after two weeks of this, was that I was becoming more anxious and allowing the contact we had agreed upon to be breached, but I didn't want to damage the relationship or hurt or dishonor anyone. For texts, I began to slow my response time by explaining that I had stopped keeping my phone in my pocket and would only check it when I had time. I was always kind in my responses, but let more time go between answers. When there were requests for texted pics (and they did feel like demands when they were worded as "Hey, send a text pic now plz.") I would answer that I wasn't able to right then, but would be sending the update packet by "x" date and had some great pics to share. I would text a pic or 2 each week.
The calls, some I'd answer, some I'd let go to voicemail if I honestly was not up to a conversation or was just busy with baby. I have noticed that contact seems to ramp up then fall off in cycles. We recently went through a ramped up cycle and it's hard because I don't want to lose the relationship, but do need to feel like our time and privacy is respected as well.
Have you finalized yet? That seemed to be a ramp up trigger in our situation. As 1st bday approaches, I expect another.
As for the Skype requests, you could simply say that you would rather keep things as they are now as you work on the relationship. Or unless you skype with other people regularly, deactivate your account and say that you simply have cut out the expense of skype.
As for Facebook, I would advise considering deactivating your accounts - tell them you need a FB vacation. FB is notorious for boundary crossing in all social venues - not just adoption.
Try not to burn any bridges, just shore up your position. Please know I'm not judging when I say this, but you are going to have to let bfamily comments about "our girl" roll off your back. To them, she is. Our bmom refers to my son by his middle name which she chose as his 1st name and while it always make me do that "what? who?" double take for a second, I realize that that is who he is to her. I have accept that that is not something I can or should try to control.
Just try to envision the relationship you would like for the future and how you can get there with respect, honestly, and showing care for all. Good luck because I do understand how hard it can be.
bclay1974
Hello Dickons,
From January to end of February their contact with us really slowed down after we started regularly sending them pictures and updates about our daughter. However, starting last week the contact has ramped back up and they insist on video conferencing with us again.
So by my calculations baby is 5 months old - give or take?
The grief is still incredibly raw at this stage and perhaps more so, than at the start when it was so real (I am basing this on my grief when my son passed). There are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. All of us go through the stages, but not in the same order. We also revisit stages as well. For me, I stayed in Bargaining and Depression stages the most. Perhaps they are in the Bargaining stage where they desperately need to know they aren't being shut out.
Regardless if it is loss like I had, or loss through adoption - the first year is absolutely the worst, and every impression you have of them is while they are in the throes of grief. (definition of throes Intense or violent pain and struggle, esp. accompanying birth, death, or great change: "he convulsed in his death throes".)
From what I have been told - the first year of adoptive parenting is also the hardest - which makes complete sense, as you are finding your feet in parenting another persons child and becoming the parents, and your fears and feelings are just as valid - yet you are coming from the point of power, and yet, because you held yourself out as secure, responsible, ready to be parents it also means you need to show grace as well.
Have you written, talked, told them how the current requests are taking a toll on you as a family, becoming a family? That while your child will always have two families in order to get on the right track of bonding and attaching you need to know you aren't going to get requests out of the blue? Could you agree to send a few more photo updates with quick blurbs for the next six months?
By the way you don't mention whether it is the grandparents or the parents making the requests - perhaps all correspondence should go through the first mom?
Another idea: there is a book called The Spirit of Open Adoption that might be a good idea to pick up. I have heard nothing but good things about it in adoption circles.
[url=http://www.amazon.ca/Spirit-Open-Adoption-James-Gritter/dp/0878686371]The Spirit of Open Adoption: Amazon.ca: James L. Gritter: Books[/url]
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Instead of saying no more Skype, why don't you try to integrate it into a schedule, like the second and forth Sundays of the month are Skype days. Or the third Wednesday. That way boundaries are being set but you are also maintaining some contact.
Why are you Facebook friends? I ask because if it is causing you that much concern to see her thoughts with relationship to her child, maybe you need to not be Facebook friends especially if you could accomplish your intentions another way. If you use it to share photos, maybe setting up other online photo sharing. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being Facebook friends (I am with my son's birthmom) but neither of us is the type of person to overshare so I haven't had a problem with it. But if either one of us were that type, I would have declined her Friend request because it wouldn't have been productive.
I think, above all, it is important in any relationship to communicate and be respectful of others' feelings. If you just do that, you will find a solution that works for your family.
In my opinion open adoption works when BOTH parties are comfortable with the boundaries. So, don't agree to something beyond your agreement if you aren't comfortable with it just to keep the peace.
I can't imagine that if a bfamily said they only wanted pics and letters (as agreed) but the afamily wanted more that people on this forum would accuse the bfamily of forgetting the baby had two families or of not "really" wanting an open relationship. I certainly think boundaries can be established in a respectful way.
GOOD LUCK
It is really hard at this early stage to figure out how you want this relationship to be. Our DD is 6 months now. We have a FB page set up for her and the bparents are her only friend. I have to log into that page to see them and I post updates there a couple of times a month in addition to sending the agreed upon updates through the agency. Right now they don't have a phone so we aren't dealing with a lot of contact. I expect to hear from them again however, once they do.
C (the bmom) told me that it was really important for her to know that DD was okay, to receive updates. She doesn't always want them exactly when they're scheduled. Sometimes she needs to know earlier and sometimes later. It's really about her grief. Dickons had some great points about grief. I think when the bparents are reaching out at this point, it's about their grief, their need to know they did the right thing, that their LO is okay.
Certainly, you need to figure out what you as a family can handle and in a nice conversation, reestablish boundaries based on that. I would suggest though, that going back to the original agreement may not be the best right now. Perhaps you can find a middle ground.
If this was me, I would decide what I could do, and then have a respectful conversation with them to establish new boundaries. Let's face it, you're off the original agreement anyway. It's doubtful you'll get back to it easily, so just set new boundaries that you're comfortable with. So here's the things I think I could do:
1. Decide now, in advance, when you'll video conference and having bmom and grandma on there at the same time, not separately. Once you have the conversation about this, deny all additional requests nicely reminding them of when you will be having the call. So far, you haven't honored any boundary set, so when you set new ones, expect them to be tested at first. Don't get angry, just be nice and firm.
2. Slow down the response to texts and phone calls. Explain, as suggested above, that baby is keeping you busy and you don't always have your phone on you. (for me this is true, I missed a family members going in the hospital cuz they texted instead of calling).
3. Tell them, that right now, you're feeling overwhelmed with all the contact. Express that you value the relationship and want it to continue but you need some additional family time and that you'd like to find a way to continue contact that works for everyone involved. I think if you're going to have an open relationship, you need to be honest, although in a nice way. You need to respect their feelings and they need to understand yours.
4. Change the FB relationship. If they are friends with you, set up a page just for DD and have them move the friendship there. You can do a quick update there without seeing them in your feed. I'd suggest a quick 2 sentence update about DD either once a week or twice a month, whatever works for you. I always update after a DR visit or if she does something new (tried sweet potatoes, sat in a high chair for the first time).
I'm also going to second what others have said on how they refer to DD. Let it go, remember that our hearts are big enough to love many people. She will have space for all of you, if you'll let her and she'll be happier for it. When she's old enough, she'll decide what to call her bfamily. You are not less of a parent, I'm not less of a mom, just because my DD has 2 moms. We have different roles to play in her life and all of those roles have meaning and value. How you handle this situation will have an impact on DD and your relationship with her when she's older.
Good luck and please, keep us posted on how it goes.
It is really hard at this early stage to figure out how you want this relationship to be. Our DD is 6 months now. We have a FB page set up for her and the bparents are her only friend. I have to log into that page to see them and I post updates there a couple of times a month in addition to sending the agreed upon updates through the agency. Right now they don't have a phone so we aren't dealing with a lot of contact. I expect to hear from them again however, once they do.
C (the bmom) told me that it was really important for her to know that DD was okay, to receive updates. She doesn't always want them exactly when they're scheduled. Sometimes she needs to know earlier and sometimes later. It's really about her grief. Dickons had some great points about grief. I think when the bparents are reaching out at this point, it's about their grief, their need to know they did the right thing, that their LO is okay.
Certainly, you need to figure out what you as a family can handle and in a nice conversation, reestablish boundaries based on that. I would suggest though, that going back to the original agreement may not be the best right now. Perhaps you can find a middle ground.
If this was me, I would decide what I could do, and then have a respectful conversation with them to establish new boundaries. Let's face it, you're off the original agreement anyway. It's doubtful you'll get back to it easily, so just set new boundaries that you're comfortable with. So here's the things I think I could do:
1. Decide now, in advance, when you'll video conference and having bmom and grandma on there at the same time, not separately. Once you have the conversation about this, deny all additional requests nicely reminding them of when you will be having the call. So far, you haven't honored any boundary set, so when you set new ones, expect them to be tested at first. Don't get angry, just be nice and firm.
2. Slow down the response to texts and phone calls. Explain, as suggested above, that baby is keeping you busy and you don't always have your phone on you. (for me this is true, I missed a family members going in the hospital cuz they texted instead of calling).
3. Tell them, that right now, you're feeling overwhelmed with all the contact. Express that you value the relationship and want it to continue but you need some additional family time and that you'd like to find a way to continue contact that works for everyone involved. I think if you're going to have an open relationship, you need to be honest, although in a nice way. You need to respect their feelings and they need to understand yours.
4. Change the FB relationship. If they are friends with you, set up a page just for DD and have them move the friendship there. You can do a quick update there without seeing them in your feed. I'd suggest a quick 2 sentence update about DD either once a week or twice a month, whatever works for you. I always update after a DR visit or if she does something new (tried sweet potatoes, sat in a high chair for the first time).
I'm also going to second what others have said on how they refer to DD. Let it go, remember that our hearts are big enough to love many people. She will have space for all of you, if you'll let her and she'll be happier for it. When she's old enough, she'll decide what to call her bfamily. You are not less of a parent, I'm not less of a mom, just because my DD has 2 moms. We have different roles to play in her life and all of those roles have meaning and value. How you handle this situation will have an impact on DD and your relationship with her when she's older.
Good luck and please, keep us posted on how it goes.
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Read this:
[url=http://dontwelookalike.com/2013/03/11/a-story-of-open-adoption/]A Story of Open Adoption – Don't We Look Alike?[/url]
Trust me. Just read it.
I would set boundaries with Facebook. They do not need to know all the details about your life.
I would make a Facebook under your child's name, that is for the birth parents and their family only. Or maybe set up a free blog.