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i have one of each. the ODD kid was tough--he needed limited choices, some control of his environment, and a calm demeanor when the ODD went spiraling out of control. he had all that compounded by ADHD and bipolar. he would be defiant unless he felt he had some control. he was and is totally attached, has the ability to be loving and affectionate in a genuine way, and has made a good marriage, is a dad to 2 older kids who were an extra-good bonus with his lovely wife, and they're now expecting a daughter in September. it hasn't been easy for him--he still struggles with the idea of authority over him, has had a bunch of growing up to do, and has bounced around a bit with employment due to his issues. he's chosen to be a diesel mechanic--his inclination is to work with his hands in a physically demanding job so that he expends much of his energy. he's learned to adapt.
the one with RAD is on the mild end of the spectrum. he was very interesting at 4 when he came. he hugged random strangers but was evil to me. i was the mom and he already had one to whom he was attached in his own way. but he didn't trust her--she didn't meet his needs, refused to take care of him, had drug and alcohol issues, and eventually lost him. RAD comes with crazy lying and defiance (like ODD) but is more calculated in its response. this child did not trust that i would be able to take care of him. he didn't believe he was safe. he did all of the lovely behaviors involving bodily fluids and excretions. he hoarded and gorged. he was unkind to everyone including the animals. he bit and kicked and scratched and only once acted out sexually. over time, with consistant treatment, plenty of food and security, and love, love, love, this child has been able to learn that we are trustworthy. he needed almost no control in the beginning--we chose everything for him like we would a baby. over time, as he's improved in his responses, we've lightened up. we're 6 years in with this kiddo and it's looking much more normal--he eats like a regular kid, hasn't peed on stuff in over a year, gives hugs only to the family and good, good friends, and runs to me when he's hurt or scared.
let me say that this is all his doing--he was able to heal himself. some can't. some are also lots worse than he ever was--and he was a ring-tailed tooter!
the ODD kid wanted to be good, to do the right thing, but was chemically unable to do so. treating his ADHD and bipolar gave his brain a fighting chance to make choices, but i tell you that this was his issue almost from birth. the RAD kid was hardwired to fight me for his survival by his experiences. he had no reason to believe that i was safe until he saw it for almost a year.
the older one trusted that i would care for him. the younger one had to learn it. they both fought me, though!
which would i choose? NEITHER. they both suck. and while i birthed the boy with ODD, i chose the one with RAD! i wouldn't change a thing.