You missed the first part of my comment: "
Why should the sibling who was attacked be the one to make nice?" I didn't miss it. I suggested that "the one in full protective mode because she feels her sister has intentionally wounded her mother" wouldn't be likely to do this anytime soon.
In other words, it's not a matter of "should." Sometimes, as adults, even when we're not in the wrong we're well-served to make the first move to strengthen our relationships. Maybe that's not appropriate in this case -- but then I'm pretty sure I sprinkled my post with sufficient disclaimers to that effect.
I didn't say you used those words in this thread but the tone and your words here indicate that would be how you would view it: "
The #1 reason I have never considered it is that I wouldn't want to cause my mom even an ounce of pain after all she's given me. If I had an adopted sibling who made the decision you have, I'd probably go to war, too. (I hope I wouldn't be hateful about it, and you definitely don't deserve that, but I wouldn't be nice, either.)" Um...okay...I still don't see anything in this that suggests I consider "searching" disloyal. "Searching" would hurt my mom. I don't want to hurt my mom. If I had an adopted sibling who hurt my mom, I'd be protective and angry. The end.
Note the complete lack of judgment or justification here. I'm not saying my mom would be "right" to feel hurt. I'm not saying I would be "right" to feel protective and angry. I'm suggesting that the OP's sister may have reacted as I would have, right or wrong.
