Foster Mom Dealing With Very Difficult Bio Mother

The workers know that. The fact that she has a drug problem and her children are in state care truly speaks volumes. One of the most helpful pieces of advice I got was no phone conversations. If she wants to contact you without others present do it in email so that it is recorded. If that is not possible email your caseworker after an interaction and give a synopsis of it and your concerns. Honestly there is nothing you can do to stop the lying but you can just follow regs and that should be enough.

I was trying to be super foster mom previously and would call. I stopped the phone calls, but I am to sit with her at the doctors' appointments and she will babble on and on then manipulate and come up with a lie. I don't know how to sit next to her. What do I do if the kids act out, shewould never let me parent them and her skills are lacking.

it never hurts to remind medical providers that if they see or hear anything that concerns them *this* is the case worker's information. i keep the worker's business cards on hand for this reason. i would only step in during medical appointments if the child is in immediate danger. even if she is a master manipulator, mom is a drug addict who does not have custody of her child(ren) and a doctor will easily sort through the BS. they can see that mom is not even able to control the kids so it is unlikely she is tending to their medical needs with great care. ya know? i always let mom schedule the next appointment with the check out desk (if the specialist allowed us to pick) and offered zero influence over anything. it removes so many of the opportunities for lies, "she's picking times that she knows are difficult for me." "she wouldnt let me talk." but i'm also a SAHM so i have a lot of freedom with scheduling its not easy, i am sorry you're stuck with one of THOSE bios. the next time you want to roll your eyes, remember that we are ALL rolling our eyes with you.

I also send my sympathies for having to deal with a difficult person. My advise would just be to keep in touch with your CW and make sure none of this is getting any serious attention. Complaints are one thing, allegations are another. If the CW isn't making you feel better, you can also talk to your licensing worker about making sure your foster license is protected. Good luck.

poker face, girl, poker face!!! :) this is soo hard, I know. Try to smile, and agree. (even if you don't). If she demands silly stuff, and you can comply, then do it (I know, grinding your teeth!! but WE have to be the bigger person!!) example: BM of my STAD got her a winter coat. Just after I bought a brand new one. She INSISTED that STAD ONLY wears HER winter coat!!! mine was new, and prettier... but oh well... so we only put BM's coat on for visits. ours also finds something to complain about EVERY week... for the past 20 month!!!:hissy: not once did she say, 'oh, how pretty is baby girl dressed' or something like that. She brings NOTHING for the visits, but still complains about what *I* pack. Not enough of this, not good enough, not sweet enough, not whatever enough.... arggghhhhhh complaints you can deal with. Now, if she takes it up a level, and starts allegations, put your foot down! take the child to the ER immediately, and have a report written. IF she shows up for Dr. visits, make sure the Dr. knows who you are, but let mom lead. Now, if she lies to the Dr, then kindly give your opinion, without getting personal...like: this is how *I* noticed ...... (insert behavior/boo-boo/etc) none of the bios in my cases have EVER made it to the Dr... never. So, she might not even show up. I always took the first appointment in the morning :) like 8 or 8.30... WAY TOO EARLY for many bios, lol (hint hint) hang in there, smile, I know it's soo hard!! I really really do!!!! my face is going to freeze in a smile soon, from smiling so darn much, lol

Both my husband and I work full-time, so I can't be too flexible on appointments. She did come previously to some, usually late, then stopped. Now she is court ordered due to complaining that I didn't tell her what was wrong. She kept my notebook that I would pass on to her supervised visits. I took in a large group of siblings and I love them with all my heart, but honestly, the stress from her is something I am not prepared for. Yes, I am afraid she would make an allegation. For this reason, I am the only one in my house that takes the girls to the restroom and gives them a bath. Plus, I feel limited on what to tell doctors when she is with. Telling the doctor about the baby was exposed in utero to meth and other drugs would be denied by her.

Document document! Call the drs office prior to appts. tell them bio is coming. Arrive early- tell the check in staff and have them call the drs. nurse letting them know a bio may show with you. Have the drs office print and provide appt summary to you and bio or a duplicate for bio if not in attendance. PDF every drs visit summary to cw over email for bio. Wait to schedule upcoming drs visits after you have "discussed" or emailed with cw. I wouldnt worry about discussion of medical history with bio and dr. They will never admit anything. Simply say to dr. In regards to relevant info, it should be in medical histoey. You can also ask your drs office for a private consult appt. with you only to discuss any concerns ir issues. My dr. was more than happy to do this when we were facing joint drs. appointments. My pediatric clinic has been our biggest cheerleaders!

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will get there early and give the doctor's office a quick heads-up. I don't want any of my personal info. given out. She is not the type I want showing up at my door or job.

Can the CW go to the Dr. appt as well? We have a visitation supervisor run interference with mom and it seems to help.We have also spoke with our Dr. on the phone about any concerns.

We have a lot of doctors' appointments due to having four foster kids. No, I wish the CW or someone could attend. Today, mom attended with a male friend. It is very uncomfortable for me. I don't know if he does drugs with her or anything about him. Waiting rooms are too small. Sigh... I came into this with such an optimistic view of being a foster parent and being a good role model. I feel like crying, not because of the children, but from the stress from the parents. Obviously there is more that I haven't posted, but I am feeling like taking care of four foster kids, plus mine, plus working is enough. I was all about helping the parents be successful until they started bashing me to CPS and the judge.

I had to do the dr thing with bios. it's fun to have the child say 'I have TWO mommies, in a waiting room~' But seriously, our dr knew the deal. I called ahead, explained bio would be attending, told her to NOT give out my personal information, address, phone number etc. I also made the apt for the earliest in the day. i'm surprised they let her attend while testing positive. our mom couldn't do anything, visits, etc when testing posibitive. our 'dad' couldn't drive the kids anywhere because he was still testing positive for alcohol. he was only allowed to attend therapy with the kids and their psychologist, but not visits. he came to one or two of those therapy appts. and no one could attend anything with mom unless the caseworker background checked and okayed it.

I did email the CW today to let her know the mom brought her friend. Also, it was the judge who ordered her to attend every doctors' appointment. It sucks because both parents are still testing positive for meth and other stuff. I really think I am put in an ugly position. I have another appointment this week and I have a feeling she will be joining me again.

I know it's so hard, and I'm sorry you're going through this. When we have this type of situation I just have to keep reminding myself that I am being a positive role model every time I keep my cool, am kind, and don't get ruffled by them. Good luck!