Hi there
I am a fairly new adoptive mother. We have a most amazing perfect and beautiful baby girl. I must admit the adoption took me completely by surprise. We had signed up for adoption 15 months earlier and had been told the waiting time average would be over 4 years without any guarantees of any child for us. Suddenly then after only 15 months we got the call. So it would be safe to say I was in no way prepared. I was still wishing for my fertility to finally Work. Hoping for a Wonder but I believe in Wonders.... I thought I had a lot of time still and thought I could think about adoption later when the time came a bit closer...
Then we became parents. God gave us this most perfect baby and a perfect adoption story. Anything we ever could have wished for. For 2 months I was full, then one day I heard about someone being pregnant and I felt that stab in my Heart which I would feel earlier. I was honestly devastated to discover that I still would feel that way. I read somewhere on the internet afterwards, that this in not so rare. It has to do with unresolved infertility. So although I am no longer childless I am still infertile and struggle with that. So I am thinking about moving forward with one more attempt of fertility treatment. Nothing huge or very invasive but still. I would love to hear your thoughts/comments/experiences with such situations/feelings as mine.
Sorry it got so long,
(PS I am over 30 so I also don't have all the time in the World when it comes to fertility...)
Congratulations Amber on your baby girl! Please know that you are not alone. Adoption doesn't "cure" issues regarding infertility. And truly, I think it is incredibly difficult to truly resolve those feelings. You get more to a place where it becomes more of a passing thought. My DH and I worked for 19 years to build our family. We have one daughter conceived with the help of IF treatment and one son made ours through adoption. Both are miracles to me. Have I accepted that treatment is behind us? Yes Have I accepted that another pregnancy is not going to happen? Yes But that doesn't mean I don't cringe when I hear someone complaining about their pregnancy or thinking that everyone under the son wants FB updates. Is there a small piece of jealousy that exists for what seems to have come so easy to others, but not for us? Yes. There is nothing wrong with trying treatment again if that works for your family. I know someone who tried it after adoption because they finally had insurance coverage for it. It's what worked for them at that time.
Good luck with your decision and know you are certainly not alone!
I think whether or not to try fertility treatments again is a completely personal decision.
Personally, we didn't even start the adoption process until I was truly done with fertility treatments but that's just me.
I would take some time to think it through. Think about the implications and the conversations you'll have with both children (if you're successful) about how your family was built.
And know, that if you try again and are unsuccessful, it won't fix that twinge you get when someone announces their pregnancy. Just recently, I had a call from a very good friend to tell me she was pregnant. I'm incredibly happy for her. But, I got off the phone and just burst into tears. It caught me completely off guard. Sometimes, grief just hits you like that. The loss never completely goes away, you just learn to deal with it. It's like any other loss. For me, it didn't make me want to try again. That part is past for me and I really have no desire anymore to be pregnant. (I had a friend offer me her remaining embryoes, which I turned down, so I do know I'm past the pregnancy desire).
You need to figure out if you're just having a grief reaction or if you truly desire pregancy. Once you can answer that question for yourself, you'll know what you should do. Good luck with the decision.
so much for your replys. I think my need to try again is not just a need to be pregnant (for me that is not a huge desire although it would be an amazing experience) I think it this deep biological need as a woman to give life. I also think it would be amazing to create a life with my husband. And I think there is just that sense of having really tried, that I wish to achieve so that I will not feel later in life that I left a stone unturned. I also just feel like giving up and letting go is practically impossible, maybe I am too stubborn or I have begun to see this Whole quest as a game in a sense, which has been "entertaining" me for a very long time. I love our daughter and I don't believe that I would ever love a biological child more than her so whether we try to get her a sibling throght foster care, adoption again (which sadly is probably not possible where we live) or biological would not make a big difference for her. I don't really believe fertility treatment would get me pregnant but I hope it would help me accept more that I am not (maybe you are right that it would not;)
Hi Amber,
I was DONE with IF treatments when we adopted our DD. We had such a fast and wonderful adoption experience as well, and she is the light of our lives. I wanted to be a mother more than I cared about biology; I was done grieving.
But, then I found that I really wanted for her to have a sibling. We could not afford another private adoption quickly, and we were getting older. We were considering foster to adopt options, however, I found out that I still had more insurance coverage for IVF and we had a frozen embryo left. I decided that I may regret not trying one last time down the road when it was truly too late to try (I was 40). So, we did one last fresh IVF cycle; I never expected it to work, so I was pretty much unstressed and felt that I would be content to know that I tried.
Well, we just welcomed newborn twins and now have three babies 16 months and under! We love all of our babies, and our adopted DD is such a sweet big sister already. Pregnancy was much, much more difficult for me than adoption, but much less expensive.
Families come in so many different forms these days, so if you feel that you will regret not trying again, then go for it! I was personally at peace with my own infertility after adoption; but even after giving birth I can say that nothing will ever take away the pain and loss of the 9+ years that we spent trying to conceive. But, I can now say that I have had many experiences that many others will never get to have, and everyone likes to tell stories about us to others who are struggling, there is always a path if you want to be a parent.
Good luck with your decision and with growing your family!
Thank you. What an amzing story.
I would also say that I am certainly much more over my infertility because I now have my beautiful daughter. However, we also face the question of how to have a sibling (we actually dreamt of a bigger Family but having our first child took us almost 6 years so we dont have that much time;)
Right now we are planning to do everything that we can. We will ask for permission to be on the adoption waiting list again although in this country there is a rule that says only one adopted child per family. And then in the spring we will do the foster care course. There is a big need for foster care parents here but it is a big decision so I see the course as a part of the decision making process. And now I am charting my cycles. I will have to chart 3 cycles (NaProTechnology) and then send them to one of the best fertility specialists in the World;) For the moment I am feeling quite cool about the whole thing but deep in my heart I think it would be wonderful if my biology could work just once;)
Thanks again and all the best wishes for your busy family
Hi Amber,
I had to sign up just so I could comment to your post!
You are NOT alone. We just finalized the adoption of our precious little girl last fall. We adopted through foster-care, and I honestly could not imaging a more perfect little blessing and addition to our family. Now that she's 2, we are trying to figure out what we will do for a sibling.
We never were covered insurance-wise for infertility in the past, but currently we are at least covered for 1/2 of testing. I feel like I need to at least give it a good try, so that I'm not kicking myself when it's too late.
There are so many wonderful things about adoption, and so many kids need a home, that it's kind of difficult for me to move forward with fertility treatments, when I know we can offer a home to a child already in the world. But, on the other hand, I also look at my daughter, and if she struggled with the same thing when she's an adult, I'd want her to go for it. A biological connection has never been as important to me, but the loss of experiencing pregnancy is what hurts the most.
So, we are just now going in for testing. It's just the right timing for us, and I mostly feel good, though it's hard to bring up that feeling of hope again every month, when for so long I had set it aside.
Please keep us posted as you move forward, and if you have any questions about foster care or foster-adopt, I'd love to help!
Dear Jenny, thank you for sharing your story. Unlike you I have already been in fertility treatment before. I guess my problem is accepting that I can't be helped. I still have this thought that I just need to find (or find a doctor who can find) that one olittle thing that needs to be fixed and then I will be fertile. I will keep you updated, and please keep me updated too:)
Amber PS since we live on different continents I think the rules for foster care differ a lot. Also here there are not many children needing to be adopted. Not every couple who wants to adopt even gets a child so the rule is that there is only one adoption pr Family.
Hi Amber,
That makes total sense. I loved hearing the stories of the other women too. Sorry I misread. I think I just got so darned excited to read that anyone on the planet was doing infertility stuff after adoption I probably read to hastily. :)
Tomorrow morning I am getting some bloodwork done...
I've done almost everything I could think of "naturally" when going to a doctor was out of reach for us,
(creams that gave me rashes, teas, yoga, diet, needles, etc.), so this is my first attempt with the more invasive stuff.
It is not viable to seek both infertility treatment and adoption afterward without compromising your commitment to either.
If you and your family doesn't have any problem you can go ahead and lead a happy life.
I would like to recommend Esha IVF which is the Best Fertility center in Hyderabad who helped to fulfill the desire for pregnancy/conception for an infertile couple.
Esha IVF always keeps in mind that "Parenthood is the utmost joyous blessing experienced by couples."
I wish you the success of your parenthood journey with IVF.